Sunday, April 13, 2014

Chupacabra files defamation lawsuit against skeptic Ben Radford

Lawyers claiming to represent Chupacabra filed a $2 million dollar defamation lawsuit against famed skeptic Ben Radford in Chicago court this week.

“For years, my client’s existence has been brutally denied by Ben Radford’s so-called investigations.”  said Ronald Z Patterson, the lead lawyer representing Chupacabra.  “If we could charge Ben with a hate crime we would, because he’s that evil!”

Chupacabra, according to cryptozoologists, is a blood sucking creature that travels throughout the Caribbean, Central America, and Southern United States feeding off of the blood of livestock.  There have been numerous sightings of the creature since 1995.

Skeptics claim that Chupacabra sightings and photos are really various canines suffering from mange.  In Radford’s book, “Tracking the Chupacabra,” Radford notes that Chupacabra resembles Sil from the 1995 movie Species.  In his interview with the first eyewitness, Madelyne Tolentino, she stated that she had seen the movie and believed that a similar experiment had taken place in Puerto Rico and, as in the film, the creature escaped from a laboratory.

In the lawsuit, Chupacabra claims Radford and she had a five year relationship.  During the relationship, the lawsuit alleges that Radford promised to confirm her existence and make her famous.  He allegedly promised her a regular column in The Skeptical Inquirer, an annual speaking engagement at TAM, and her own livestock ranch so, “she would never have to hunt again.”

According to the lawsuit, the relationship ended when Radford proposed an “open marriage” with Chupacabra.  When she refused, Radford threatened to debunk her unless she agreed to the terms of their marriage.

Radford allegedly said, “Right now, I am the only man who can love you!  If you turn me away, I will debunk you so hard that no man will ever love you again.  Do you really want to die alone, knowing that you rejected the only man who could love a blood sucking monster like you?”

Chupacabra refused his proposal, and, according to the lawsuit, wrote “Tracking the Chupacabra” and proceeded to, “build a career out of denying the existence of my client.”

Patterson say he will produce hundreds of selfies taken by Chupacabra that allegedly document “an intimate relationship” between the two.

“Although the man in the photographs is covering his face,” said Patterson, “we are confident that our photo experts can undeniably prove that the man is in photos is in fact Ben Radford.”  He also promised to produce “intimate” videos of Radford and Chupacabra.

Patterson also produced an unsigned letter allegedly written by Radford, in which he confessed to defaming Chupacabra.

Part of the letter reads, “When my former lover Chupacabra refused my marriage proposal, I became very angry, and decided to debunk her.  When people still believed in her existence, I became angrier, and doubled my efforts to debunk her.  I now see the error of my ways.  Chupacabra is real, and I have acted like a selfish bully towards her!  My behavior towards Chupacabra makes me unworthy of speaking at TAM, which is saying a lot!”

Patterson added that when Radford refused to sign the letter and post it on the Internet, he had no choice but to proceed with the lawsuit.

Radford could not be reached for comment, but a person who claimed to be his spokesperson said, “we are prepared to destroy anyone who doesn’t describe Ben as a brilliant skeptic and one the brightest candles against the darkness of woo!”

Chupacabra could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

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Bolingbrook rejects reality show based at Clow UFO Base
Bionic Animals terrorize Naperville

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/17/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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