Sunday, April 20, 2014

Bolingbrook man threatens to sue for the right to have a concealed nuclear bomb

Bolingbrook resident Josh Z. Webb is threatening to sue for the right to carry a concealed nuclear bomb.

“There are no exceptions in the Second Amendment!”  Said Webb.  “That means I have a right to carry a nuclear weapon, and the state has to provide me with the proper training so I can obtain a conceal carry license.

Webb says that his problems began shortly after he found an ad for a suitcase nuclear bomb on Craigslist.

Said Webb, “I thought at the time it would be a great buy.  No one would threaten me if carried one of these!  I would be safe!”

According to Webb, he asked the buyer to hold the bomb for him because he needed to obtain a conceal carry license.  After talking to some local instructors, he realized they were only trained to teach the proper handling of guns.

“They didn’t even offer classes on improvised explosive devices!  Come on!  Guns aren’t the only form of arms!”

Webb then wrote a letter to State Representative Emily McAsey asking the state to find an instructor to train him in the proper use of a concealed nuclear weapon.  He expected a prompt response with name of a trainer.

Instead, the ad disappeared and agents from the Department of Homeland Security interrogated him for several hours.  No charges were filed against Webb, but he was told that they had a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay that they could give him at any time.

Webb then claims he sent an e-mail to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar asking for his help.  Claar, according to Webb, replied that nuclear weapons are not allowed in Bolingbrook, and that the United States Government’s treaty obligations limit the number of nuclear weapons in the US.  Enforced treaties, Claar allegedly added, have just as much weight as the Constitution.

“He said he would report me for treason if I brought a nuclear weapon into Bolingbrook.   That’s crazy!  Nothing overrides the Second Amendment!  Not even another amendment.  The Internet says so!”

Webb says the he’s searching the Internet for a lawyer that will take his case, but he hopes that an agreement can be reached that will allow him to bring a nuclear weapon into Bolingbrook.

He also concedes that using the weapon would destroy Bolingbrook, and expose millions of Chicagoland residents to lethal doses of radiation.  

“Because it’s so powerful, no one will attack me.  No one will attack any resident who has a nuclear weapon.  Bolingbrook will become the most peaceful village in the world!  Peace through the atom! Peace in our time!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Claar replied, “It’s Easter!  I’m trying to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord.  Don’t bother me!  Why don’t you support a worthy cause today?  I heard about this woman who is trying to raise money for research into Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.  Why don’t you help her out instead of bothering me?”

Also in The Babbler:

Editorial: Why are skeptics so mean and stupid?
American Atheists fail to destroy Mormonism
Christ spotted in Wheaton

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/24/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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