Sunday, April 27, 2014

Sources: MSNBC to produce Bolingbrook documentary

Will MSNBC produce a documentary about Bolingbrook?  Some sources with ties to relatives with friends who work at MSNBC say yes.

“Thanks to CNN’s Chicagoland documentary, Chicago is a hot property.”  Said one source who insisted on being called Paul.  “Unfortunately, we can’t just do another documentary set in Chicago because it would look too much like we were copying CNN, which we are.”

The sources agree that MSNBC decided to do a series based in a Chicago suburb.  After hours of discussion, they narrowed the choices down to Naperville and Bolingbrook.  The decision, according to a source, came down to their desire to appease the Republican Party.

Said a source, who asked to be called Amy, “this whole ‘liberal alternative’ to Fox News thing just isn’t working out.  It’s ticks off Republicans because we have talk shows that are critical of them.  It also ticks off liberals because they think we’re trying to fool them into supporting a media conglomerate, which we are.  Liberals know that the moment a liberal host says something we don’t like, we’ll force them out.  Just ask Martin Bashir, Keith Olbermann, and Phil Donahue.  Plus liberals notice when you give Joe Scarborough three hours of air time, and Rachel Maddow only one.”

All the sources agreed that after pre-production work, Bolingbrook became the obvious choice.  While Naperville expressed concerns about how a documentary would affect the city’s reputation, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar seemed open to the idea, provided that could choose the producers, select the camera angles during his interviews, and bring in his own “consultants” to advise the producers.  In return, Claar promised that all local businesses would sponsor the program.

“It was like free money!”  Said Paul.  “All we had to do was make it look like a hard news program.”

While agreeing to most of his demands, MSNBC did “lean forward” on Claar for one concession.

“He agreed to let us interview former Bolingbrook Mayor Edward Rosenthal,” said Amy.  “We could only use 10 minutes of film from the interviews, but it will be enough to satisfy our liberal consumers.  I mean viewers.”

The sources also said that they liked Bolingbrook for its diverse population and “pro-business leadership.”

“We can’t let CNBC have all the fun.  This show will make Bolingbrook look good, and make the Illinois Republican Party feel good!  When the Illinois Republican Party feels good, the Republican Party establishment isn’t far behind!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Claar replied, “we can save time and money by producing our own documentary about Bolingbrook and uploading it to YouTube.  I’m sure it would reach more viewers than MSNBC could.”

When reached for comment, an MSNBC spokesperson referred this reporter to Maddow.  As of the deadline, this reporter was still trying to decipher her comments.

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago denies paying Pluto to install air conditioning in Chicago’s schools
Sources: Valley View to bring back year round classes unless parents stop complaining
Bolingbrook refuses to annex Florida subdivision

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/2/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Bolingbrook man threatens to sue for the right to have a concealed nuclear bomb

Bolingbrook resident Josh Z. Webb is threatening to sue for the right to carry a concealed nuclear bomb.

“There are no exceptions in the Second Amendment!”  Said Webb.  “That means I have a right to carry a nuclear weapon, and the state has to provide me with the proper training so I can obtain a conceal carry license.

Webb says that his problems began shortly after he found an ad for a suitcase nuclear bomb on Craigslist.

Said Webb, “I thought at the time it would be a great buy.  No one would threaten me if carried one of these!  I would be safe!”

According to Webb, he asked the buyer to hold the bomb for him because he needed to obtain a conceal carry license.  After talking to some local instructors, he realized they were only trained to teach the proper handling of guns.

“They didn’t even offer classes on improvised explosive devices!  Come on!  Guns aren’t the only form of arms!”

Webb then wrote a letter to State Representative Emily McAsey asking the state to find an instructor to train him in the proper use of a concealed nuclear weapon.  He expected a prompt response with name of a trainer.

Instead, the ad disappeared and agents from the Department of Homeland Security interrogated him for several hours.  No charges were filed against Webb, but he was told that they had a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay that they could give him at any time.

Webb then claims he sent an e-mail to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar asking for his help.  Claar, according to Webb, replied that nuclear weapons are not allowed in Bolingbrook, and that the United States Government’s treaty obligations limit the number of nuclear weapons in the US.  Enforced treaties, Claar allegedly added, have just as much weight as the Constitution.

“He said he would report me for treason if I brought a nuclear weapon into Bolingbrook.   That’s crazy!  Nothing overrides the Second Amendment!  Not even another amendment.  The Internet says so!”

Webb says the he’s searching the Internet for a lawyer that will take his case, but he hopes that an agreement can be reached that will allow him to bring a nuclear weapon into Bolingbrook.

He also concedes that using the weapon would destroy Bolingbrook, and expose millions of Chicagoland residents to lethal doses of radiation.  

“Because it’s so powerful, no one will attack me.  No one will attack any resident who has a nuclear weapon.  Bolingbrook will become the most peaceful village in the world!  Peace through the atom! Peace in our time!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Claar replied, “It’s Easter!  I’m trying to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord.  Don’t bother me!  Why don’t you support a worthy cause today?  I heard about this woman who is trying to raise money for research into Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.  Why don’t you help her out instead of bothering me?”

Also in The Babbler:

Editorial: Why are skeptics so mean and stupid?
American Atheists fail to destroy Mormonism
Christ spotted in Wheaton

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/24/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Chupacabra files defamation lawsuit against skeptic Ben Radford

Lawyers claiming to represent Chupacabra filed a $2 million dollar defamation lawsuit against famed skeptic Ben Radford in Chicago court this week.

“For years, my client’s existence has been brutally denied by Ben Radford’s so-called investigations.”  said Ronald Z Patterson, the lead lawyer representing Chupacabra.  “If we could charge Ben with a hate crime we would, because he’s that evil!”

Chupacabra, according to cryptozoologists, is a blood sucking creature that travels throughout the Caribbean, Central America, and Southern United States feeding off of the blood of livestock.  There have been numerous sightings of the creature since 1995.

Skeptics claim that Chupacabra sightings and photos are really various canines suffering from mange.  In Radford’s book, “Tracking the Chupacabra,” Radford notes that Chupacabra resembles Sil from the 1995 movie Species.  In his interview with the first eyewitness, Madelyne Tolentino, she stated that she had seen the movie and believed that a similar experiment had taken place in Puerto Rico and, as in the film, the creature escaped from a laboratory.

In the lawsuit, Chupacabra claims Radford and she had a five year relationship.  During the relationship, the lawsuit alleges that Radford promised to confirm her existence and make her famous.  He allegedly promised her a regular column in The Skeptical Inquirer, an annual speaking engagement at TAM, and her own livestock ranch so, “she would never have to hunt again.”

According to the lawsuit, the relationship ended when Radford proposed an “open marriage” with Chupacabra.  When she refused, Radford threatened to debunk her unless she agreed to the terms of their marriage.

Radford allegedly said, “Right now, I am the only man who can love you!  If you turn me away, I will debunk you so hard that no man will ever love you again.  Do you really want to die alone, knowing that you rejected the only man who could love a blood sucking monster like you?”

Chupacabra refused his proposal, and, according to the lawsuit, wrote “Tracking the Chupacabra” and proceeded to, “build a career out of denying the existence of my client.”

Patterson say he will produce hundreds of selfies taken by Chupacabra that allegedly document “an intimate relationship” between the two.

“Although the man in the photographs is covering his face,” said Patterson, “we are confident that our photo experts can undeniably prove that the man is in photos is in fact Ben Radford.”  He also promised to produce “intimate” videos of Radford and Chupacabra.

Patterson also produced an unsigned letter allegedly written by Radford, in which he confessed to defaming Chupacabra.

Part of the letter reads, “When my former lover Chupacabra refused my marriage proposal, I became very angry, and decided to debunk her.  When people still believed in her existence, I became angrier, and doubled my efforts to debunk her.  I now see the error of my ways.  Chupacabra is real, and I have acted like a selfish bully towards her!  My behavior towards Chupacabra makes me unworthy of speaking at TAM, which is saying a lot!”

Patterson added that when Radford refused to sign the letter and post it on the Internet, he had no choice but to proceed with the lawsuit.

Radford could not be reached for comment, but a person who claimed to be his spokesperson said, “we are prepared to destroy anyone who doesn’t describe Ben as a brilliant skeptic and one the brightest candles against the darkness of woo!”

Chupacabra could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets to follow thunderstorm attack with snowstorm attack
Bolingbrook rejects reality show based at Clow UFO Base
Bionic Animals terrorize Naperville

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/17/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Happy anniversary webmaster!

Babbler Editor Sara Langston
By Sara Langston
Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler.

One year ago today, our webmaster married the love of his life.  So we’re giving him the day off.  He’ll be back next week, but in the meantime, I hope you will join us in wishing his wife and him a happy anniversary!  

Also in The Babbler:

11000 psychics protest Chicago Skepticamp
Sen. Mark Kirk:  What is a conflict of interest?
College of Curiosity unveils hand powered boiler!

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/9/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.