Sunday, March 23, 2014

Exclusive: Russia threatens to ‘liberate’ Chicago’s Ukrainian Village

Will Russian MiGs fly over Chicago's Ukrainian Village? (Based on photo by David Hilowitz.)

Highly ranked sources say that Russia plans to follow it’s annexation of Crimea by annexing Chicago’s Ukrainian Village neighborhood.

“We’re concerned for the safety of residents who have any Russian blood in them, no matter how small.”  Said a source within Chicago’s Russian Consulate.  “We have a new saying in Russia.  ‘Wherever a Russian steps is Russian territory!’”

According to various sources, The Russian Government plans to hire Tea Party affiliated militias to “secure” the streets leading into the neighborhood.  

One militia member, who asked not to be identified, says his “army” is ready.

“What’s not to like?  We get to make Obama look bad, exercise our Second Amendment rights against the Chicago Police Department, and get in gold!  Of course, we could change our minds if, oh say, our liberal Congress would grow a pair and impeach Obama!”

Once the streets are secured, Russian President Vladimir Putin will declare the neighborhood “disputed territory.”  Putin will then send in Russian paratroopers to “ease tensions,” then ask the UN Security Counsel for permission to declare the rest of Chicago a “demilitarized zone.”  After the US vetoes the resolution, the Russian Consulate will hold sponsor an election to let Ukrainian Village residents decide their fate and "bring peace to the neighborhood."  The sources say that residents will choose to either join Russia now, or join Russia later.

Said one highly placed source, “Some people think democracy mean giving people a right choice and a wrong choice.  It’s not!  Democracy means demonstrating to the world how strong our leaders are!  You don’t show strength by letting spoiled citizens throw temper tantrums because they don’t like certain laws.  You punish them like a good father should!”

As to why Russia would risk nuclear war to annex part of Chicago, the sources doubt the US Government would go to war.

“Everyone who loves toughness loves Vladimir!  Even your Republican Party cannot hide their love him when he takes off his shirt!  Your Congress would stop your President from blowing up the world over a few acres of land in Chicago.  Let’s be honest, Congress would make Vladimir Prime Minister of the United States if they could get away with it!”

Attempts to reach President Obama never got past the White House Switchboard.  

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, however, was more forth coming.

“You (Expletive Deleted) Bolingbrook people are so clueless.  There’s no (Expletive Deleted) way anyone is going to be attacking Chicago.  Let me explain.  First, no matter which party takes the governor’s office, I will still have him under my finger!  Second, I still have pull with the Obama administration.  Third, thanks to CNN, I’m a bigger reality TV star than Rod Blagojevich ever was!  Fourth, I have the full support of Chicago’s 1 percent!  Fifth, no one is (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) enough to try to take a piece of Chicago from me!  Most people get (Expletive Deleted) by the Chicago City Council.  I (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) their (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) every day!  Finally, if Putin is stupid enough to (Expletive Deleted) with me, the new sanctions will (Expletive Deleted) over his economy.  He won’t be able to afford to (Expletive Deleted) with me or my President!  In a few months, the Russian people will be annexing the Kremlin from him!  With a little assistance, if you know what I mean!”

A spokesperson for the Russian Embassy in Washington denied that Russia has a consulate in Illinois.

“I urge the American people to reject the propaganda from your corporate media, and embrace the more reliable!”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar denies forcing H2O clients to help repair Clow UFO Base
Lost Tribes vow to still vist Chicago for Passover
Soviets taunt Chicago with another snow attack

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/26/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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