Sunday, March 16, 2014

American Atheists President David Silverman denied access to Clow UFO Base

David Silverman, president of American Atheists (Image from the Friendly Atheist blog.)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs denied David Silverman, president of American Atheists, access to Clow UFO Base.

Said an anonymous source, “He isn’t even listed as a level one skeptic.  At the very least, he would need to be a level two skeptic and be sponsored by either Skepchick or The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry.  I don’t see that happening any time soon.”

According to sources in the department, Silverman sent an unsecured e-mail to Village Hall demanding access to Clow UFO Base.  Silverman said he wanted to have pictures of himself taken removing debris and helping Clow recover from the recent abductee uprising.

“As the representative of the 20 percent of Americans who do not believe in God, I should be granted access Clow UFO Base to help with the cleanup efforts!  While religious people are wasting their time praying for Clow to be cleaned up, I will symbolically represent the atheists who are doing the actual work!”

The department sent Silverman an standard form denying that Clow Airport houses a UFO base, and extended an invitation to Silverman to visit “The real Bolingbrook.”

Silverman replied that he wasn’t fooled because he reads The Bolingbrook Babbler.  

“There is more evidence for the existence of Clow UFO Base than there is for God!”  Silverman wrote back.

Silverman also offered to help defuse any potential “legal issues” that could be associated with the clean up.

“I can help find cross bars that now resemble religious crosses.  You know that displaying crosses on public property is government property is a crime.  We’re enforcing the law at the 9/11 Memorial, and we can help prevent a similar situation at Clow.”

After the department sent a second form letter to Silverman, he replied, “You know we could search all of Bolingbrook’s government property for religious symbols or religious organizations renting government facilities.   Wouldn’t be better to just let me access your UFO Base?”

This prompted Mayor Roger Claar to write back to Silverman.  Claar denied that Clow UFO Base exists, and that he wasn’t going to waste his time with Silverman.  “If Clow UFO Bases exists, and it doesn’t, I would instruct my Men in Blue to arrest you if you came within a 5 miles of the base.  Then I would instruct them to brainwash you into becoming a devout Pope loving Catholic!  You obviously have confused Bolingbrook for a Fox News studio!  If you want controversy, why don’t you visit Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation, and tell Rabbi Chalom to his face that he’s not Jewish!  Now leave my village alone!”

A source within American Atheists says that Silverman never intended to get inside Clow UFO Base.  Instead, he was “trying to build his credibility” before attending The StarworksUSA 2014 UFO Symposium in Chicago from May 2 to May 4.

“Most people assume that atheist means being a so-called skeptic.”  Said the source.  “David knows that there are secular reasons to believe in UFOs, and we want to let atheist UFO believers know that you are not alone.  American Atheists is behind your fight to expose the truth!  We represent all atheists, skeptic and non-skeptic alike!”

David Muscato, Public Relations Director for American Atheists, denied that Siliverman had any contact with The Village of Bolingbrook, or will be attending StarworksUSA’s symposium.  

“We’re still in damage control over David’s comment about there being secular arguments against abortion.  We’re not going to be offending the skeptical leadership anytime soon.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Siliverman said, “Why are you attacking me?  We’re all atheists here.  Don’t you realize that there are forces out there that want to create a theocracy that will ban abortion for non-secular reasons.  We need to come together!  I run the only organization that can bring all atheists together.  You’re not helping with your blog posts.  If you want to save the world from religion, your followers and you should just shut up and give us your money!  Hello?”

Also in The Babbler:

New World Order: We know what happened to Flight MH370 and we’re not telling!
Pothole monsters strike Bolingbrook
Mayor Claar tells Tribune reporter: The village trusts me and you should too!

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/18/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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