Monday, February 24, 2014

Web exclusive: Wordmonster terrorizes Chicagoans with manifesto

Enhanced photo of Wordmonster, which matches the illustration on its blog.

Terrified eyewitnesses claim to have seen Chicago’s Wordmonster passing out leaflets to unsuspecting residents.

“Oh my God, it was a real monster!”  Screamed Paula X Miller.  “I thought it was just a silly Internet handle, but it’s real!  Real scary!  I’m so glad guns are now legal in Chicago!”

While many believe that Wordmonster is the pseudonym of a person who likes to blog about the use and meaning of words, others believe that Wordmonster really is an inhuman monster with Internet access.  Until recently there had been few sightings of the alleged Wordmonster, which is believed to live in the sewers of Chicago.

One of the recent witnesses, Donald, who was too frightened to give his last name, says Wordmonster accosted him while he was driving.

“I heard something tapping on my car door.”  Said Donald.  “So I lowered the window so I can take a look.  Then it appeared out of nowhere.  It had huge teeth.  I screamed and it growled, ‘Pay attention!’  Oh my God.  Then it dropped a leaflet in my car.  It was horrible!  The whole thing was horrible.”

The recent eyewitnesses agree that Wordmonster appears as a three foot tall ball of green fur with two stubby arm and short legs.  It has rows of sharp teeth and at least seven eyes.  Wordmonster appears to move by holding a balloon and floating with it.  Cryptozoologists are uncertain how Wordmonster controls the monition of the balloon.

The leaflet Wordmonster handed to the eyewitnesses is also available on the Internet.  It appears to be a manifesto that calls for “honesty,” “empathy,” “critical thinking,” “humility,” and worship of a “pale blue dot.”

Writes Wordmonster, “We have a lot of work to do. I hope you’ll stick around.”

Chicago based cryptozoologist Kyle Z. Stagner, fears the true motivation behind the manifesto.

“Wordmonster wants to take over Chicago by using the power of words!  If Chicago falls, Wordmonster’s followers will spread their infectious message to the rest of the world.  We’ll be enslaved by the power of the Pale Blue Dot!  That’s just my opinion, but the skeptics can’t prove me wrong!”

Cassie, who asked that we not reveal her real name, said she almost fell under the influence of Wordmonster while out for a jog.  While jogging, Wordmonster floated directly in front of her.  Though frightened, she managed to tell Wordmonster that she was going to call Animal Care and Control.

Wordmonster replied, “Why do with call it ‘Animal Care and Control’ and not ‘Animal Jailers?’  Why use the word ‘care?’  Are we saying that we care enough to control animals?  Humans are animals.  Do you want someone to care enough to control you?”

“At the time I thought it had a point.”  Said Cassie.  “Then I realized it was really trying to control my mind.  So I started playing Justin Bieber on my MP3 player to drown that thought out.  Boy, that was a close call!”

When e-mailed for a comment, Wordmonster replied, “Sensationalism.  We like to feel sensations, but we hate it when the media sensationalizes a story.  Do they really mean that they hate the media for trying to create a sensation when there is really very little feeling behind the story.  Do we feel that the media is void of feeling and tried to compensate by sensationalizing their stories, like a certain Southwestern suburban publication is prone to do?

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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