Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Web exclusive: Mayor Claar demands rock salt reparations from the Soviet Union

Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar is demanding that the Soviet Union give Bolingbrook 500 tons of rock salt as reparation for their weather attacks.

“You tried to subdue us by attacking us with blizzards.”  Wrote Claar to the Soviet Union.  “You failed!  Now PAY UP!”  

Though popularly believed to have disbanded in the early 1990s, some say the Soviet Union really gave up their territory and went into hiding.  After spending over 20 years building Tesla weather machines, they have launched extreme weather attacks against the world’s governments.  The Soviet’s goals, according the these experts, are to destroy Earth’s governments, and impose world communism on humanity.

Sources who provided copies of Claar’s letters to the Soviet Shadow Government, say Claar believes the Soviets have already lost, and should pay for the damage their attacks have inflicted.

Said one source, “After all the car accidents, destroyed mail boxes, forced indoor confinement, and children being forced to shovel snow, residents still don’t want to live under a communist government.  Heck, we didn’t even have an Occupy Bolingbrook protest.  It’s clear that the Soviets can’t win, so they should pay reparations now!”

Sources with contacts in the Soviet Government, say they Soviets have not, and will not surrender until all farms are collectivized, all workers are members of the Communist Party, and there is only one dictatorship of the proletariat!

“They want to turn Bolingbrook into China!”  Said one source.  “Only this time the government won’t help the job creators become rich off of cheap labor.  That’s evil!”

When this reporter tried to contact Claar, his receptionist said Claar no longer does interviews with reporters.

“Roger strongly feels that reporters ask questions that the residents aren’t interested in.  He would rather talk directly to the voters at one of his many dinner events.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Hello Bill Nye?  You say Global Warming is real?  Then why did we get so much snow.”  After a long pause, the man continued.  “You’re saying that as the Earth warms, the chance for extreme winter storms increases?  Well, why didn’t anyone tell me this before I cut the rock salt budget?”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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