Popular music stars from around the world gathered in Chicago this weekend for secret “review sessions” with the Illuminati.The results of each session will determine the future of that pop star’s career.
“It’s really scary.” Said Selena Gomez. “One wrong move and they can ruin your career. I screwed up my last review. They were kind enough to make my last album a top ten hit, but as punishment, I had to star in “Getaway.” That was embarrassing! I hope this coming session will get my career back on track. Fnord! Oops. I shouldn’t have said that out loud.”
This reporter managed to infiltrate some of the sessions run by Illuminati Adepts Alec and Moonfire.
In the first session, Macklemore performed an anti-racism rap. The adepts seemed unimpressed.
“It would have been fine 20 years ago, but we want you to be more cutting edge.” Said Adept Alec.
“Why don’t you rap about transgendered people right now?” Asked Adept Moonfire. “That’s going to be the next social justice issue we want people to debate.”
“I don’t know.” Said Macklemore. “I don’t really understand them, and I’m kind of afraid of the backlash.”
“Don’t worry.” Said Alec. “You’ll have the support the Illuminati. Give it a try.”
Macklemore thought for a moments, and then started talking. “When I was 6 my sister forced me to wear a dress. I wanted to take it off because it was so messed up. Now I’m thinking about what some people go through every day. What it must be like when society forces you to wear the wrong clothes because you’ve got the wrong parts. Gender identity is more than the clothes you wear or your private parts. Would Kid Rock be less of a man if he didn’t have a little rock?”
“We don’t need to hear it.” Moonfire replied. “We’ll be in touch.”
After Thicke left, Alec asked, “I think we should 27 Club him.”
“You mean 37 club him.” Corrected Moonfire.
In the last session observed, Taylor Swift approached the adepts. Because they could speak, a hooded figure entered the room and formed a triangle with her fingers. The adepts stepped out from behind their table and kneeled before the figure. She uncovered her hood, revealing herself as Beyonce.
“You may arise.” She said. The adepts stood up, but kept their heads bowed.
“Taylor,” said Beyonce, “you still have our support.”
“We obey.” Replied the adepts.
“Great!” Swift replied. “I can’t wait to write new songs trashing my ex-boyfriends!”
Beyonce shook her head. “You need to think much bigger now because you now have Beyonce privilege! I was able to flash an Illuminati symbol during the Super Bowl halftime show, and nothing happened to me. There is more to life than bad boyfriends!”
“Wow! There is? That blows my mind. This is why you are so awesome!”
“Thank you. Just remember that if you find a powerful man, put the Ring of Illumination on him so the Illuminati can control him.”
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