Gay UFO crew crash lands at Clow UFO Base after escaping Sochi Olympics

A burning UFO streaks over Chicago before crashing at Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook.

By Reporter X

A UFO from Gliese 668 Cf crash landed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base Saturday.  Clow officials say 17 crew members are in critical but stable condition and 10 crew members are in stable condition.

The burning UFO streaked across the skies of Chicago before diving through a cloaked landing bay entrance and exploding into a fireball once it touched the metallic floor.  Clow’s Covert Fire Squad 1X extinguished  the blaze within minutes.

“We’ve had some pretty intense fire drills, but I’ve never seen anything like this.”  Said Firefighter Rebecca, who did not reveal her last name.  “I thought we’d only find the charred bodies of the crew, but they survived.  All I can say is thank God for that.”

The initial debriefings, leaked to this reporter, say the crew were flying over the Sochi Olympic games when they were attacked by the Russian Star Guard, a covert branch of the Russian government that manages the country’s interstellar relations.  The crew members confirmed that they were made up of gay and transgendered individuals who wanted to observe the olympics.

According to the interviewed crew members, Russia’s UFO bases are hostile towards LBGT beings.  LBGT visitors are not allowed openly state their sexual orientation or sexual identity.  Violators are exiled or executed depending on the each base’s administrator.  Additionally, gangs of human vigilantes roam the bases looking for LGBT aliens to kidnap or harass.  The kidnappers have posted videos to the interstellar Internet of their victims being forced to drink urine, and other humiliating acts.

“There was no way we were going to land in Russia!”  Said an unidentified crash survivor.  

Instead the crew planned to observe the events hovering over the venues.  Interviewed crew members insisted they had the necessary permits to be in Sochi air space.  Though their spaceship was rainbow colored, the crew insisted that their ship was cloaked the entire time they were in Russian territory.

The crew claimed after spending Friday watching the game without incident, the Russians attacked them on Saturday with Soviet era interceptors.  The Interceptors, a type of alien-human hybrid spacecraft, severely damaged the UFO and tried to force them to land at a Russian base.

Though fires were raging throughout the craft, the aliens refused to land.  Instead, they plotted a a suborbital flight path towards Clow UFO base.

“We knew Clow had available hanger space, and there was no way we were land at one of your so-called Red State bases.”  Said another unidentified crew member.

Clow officials confirmed that the Russian Star Guard attacked the craft over Russian air space, but said they were still investigating the incident.

“Right now we are treating the crew’s injuries.  We will be working closely with the New World Order and the Gliese embassy to determine a future course of action.”  Said Robert Z. Michaelson of Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.

Michaelson confirmed that Mayor Roger Claar has been informed about the crash and would visit the aliens soon.  He denied that Claar was visiting Sochi to meet with Bolingbrook voters who just happen to be attending the games.

Also in The Babbler:

Men's Rights Aliens launch DDoS attack against feminist web sites
Wood Allen barred from Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook residents stand firm against mounting Soviet snow attacks

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/14

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