Sunday, February 16, 2014

Flat Earth believers apply for charter school in Valley View School District 365U

Will parents in the Valley View School District 365U have the option to send their children to a school that teaches Flat Earth Theory?

Sources with relatives with friends within VVSD claim the district has received an application for a pro-flat Earth charter school.  The school, if approved, could open as early as the start of the 2015-2016 school year.

“Normally, I’d think that the application would be laughed at before bring thrown out.”  Said one source.  “This is Illinois, however.  So I don’t know what will happen with it.”

According to the sources, the charter school will be run by a corporation known as Flat Out Truth, which claims to have no ties to the Flat Earth Society.   The corporation publishes textbooks which encourage students to “question all so-called scientific facts.”  The company’s mission statement, which is not available on the Internet, says the company wants to “eliminate godless global theory.”

Explained Marc Hill, a spokesperson for the company, “Science claims to be full of facts, but if you read a textbook, it’s just full of theories.  Did you know that gravity is just a theory?  They don’t even understand how something as basic as gravity works.  They only have a theory.  It has something to do with space and time being the same thing.  I’m sorry, but even a Valley View kindergartner knows that space and time are not the same thing.”

While Hill concedes that the company’s textbooks refer to Flat Earth Theory, he thinks it should be called Flat Earth Fact.

“In the Bible, Revelations 7:1, God refers to the four corners of the Earth.  How can a globe have four corners?  It can’t.  Therefore the Earth is flat, and any other speculation must start with that fundamental fact!”

Hill added.  “Muslims are using flat Earth fact to make converts.  You can see it on their television programs!  If we want to preserve our country’s Christian heritage, we need to renounce global theory, which has only lead to billions of deaths, promiscuity, atheism, and feminism!  Richard Dawkins believes in global theory!  What does that tell you?”

Though Hill would not comment about the proposed charter school, a source within VVSD said he did hear someone talk to School Board President Steven Quigley.

“This man kept saying how he thought Steve was the best.  Said he was glad that Steve was willing to stand up to parents of the district and accept the resignation of Bolingbrook High School Principal Michael White.  Then he said it would be an honor if he would be allowed to set up a charter school in the district.  Steve seemed happy with the conversation.  Maybe this man was from your flat Earth group?”

A science teacher in the district, who asked not to be identified, denounced Flat Earth Theory as a scientific fraud.   According to the teacher, The circumference of the Earth was first established in 240 BC.  While not always accepted by the general population, scientists and scholars have accepted that the Earth is a globe for centuries.  He also cited satellite pictures of the Earth, the fact that the position of stars change as one moves further North or South, and the Coriolis Effect as proof the Earth is a globe.

“If your Christian Faith requires you to believe the Earth is flat, then you need to change your faith, instead of changing science.”

When asked to comment, Quigley replied, “If we add a charter school, it won’t promote flat Earth teachings, or any such nonsense!  These questions are so stupid that I hope you were never a student in our system!”

Hill is hopefully that their textbooks will find their way into the public school system in this country.

“There are charter schools that used to teach creationism.  Our work will be the next step!”

Also in The Babbler:

Michael White to becoming principal at Clow UFO Base
Soviets promise cease fire in their weather war against Bolingbrook
Manchester Mumbler: UK decides not evacuate the British Isles

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2//19/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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