Monday, February 24, 2014

Web exclusive: Wordmonster terrorizes Chicagoans with manifesto

Enhanced photo of Wordmonster, which matches the illustration on its blog.

Terrified eyewitnesses claim to have seen Chicago’s Wordmonster passing out leaflets to unsuspecting residents.

“Oh my God, it was a real monster!”  Screamed Paula X Miller.  “I thought it was just a silly Internet handle, but it’s real!  Real scary!  I’m so glad guns are now legal in Chicago!”

While many believe that Wordmonster is the pseudonym of a person who likes to blog about the use and meaning of words, others believe that Wordmonster really is an inhuman monster with Internet access.  Until recently there had been few sightings of the alleged Wordmonster, which is believed to live in the sewers of Chicago.

One of the recent witnesses, Donald, who was too frightened to give his last name, says Wordmonster accosted him while he was driving.

“I heard something tapping on my car door.”  Said Donald.  “So I lowered the window so I can take a look.  Then it appeared out of nowhere.  It had huge teeth.  I screamed and it growled, ‘Pay attention!’  Oh my God.  Then it dropped a leaflet in my car.  It was horrible!  The whole thing was horrible.”

The recent eyewitnesses agree that Wordmonster appears as a three foot tall ball of green fur with two stubby arm and short legs.  It has rows of sharp teeth and at least seven eyes.  Wordmonster appears to move by holding a balloon and floating with it.  Cryptozoologists are uncertain how Wordmonster controls the monition of the balloon.

The leaflet Wordmonster handed to the eyewitnesses is also available on the Internet.  It appears to be a manifesto that calls for “honesty,” “empathy,” “critical thinking,” “humility,” and worship of a “pale blue dot.”

Writes Wordmonster, “We have a lot of work to do. I hope you’ll stick around.”

Chicago based cryptozoologist Kyle Z. Stagner, fears the true motivation behind the manifesto.

“Wordmonster wants to take over Chicago by using the power of words!  If Chicago falls, Wordmonster’s followers will spread their infectious message to the rest of the world.  We’ll be enslaved by the power of the Pale Blue Dot!  That’s just my opinion, but the skeptics can’t prove me wrong!”

Cassie, who asked that we not reveal her real name, said she almost fell under the influence of Wordmonster while out for a jog.  While jogging, Wordmonster floated directly in front of her.  Though frightened, she managed to tell Wordmonster that she was going to call Animal Care and Control.

Wordmonster replied, “Why do with call it ‘Animal Care and Control’ and not ‘Animal Jailers?’  Why use the word ‘care?’  Are we saying that we care enough to control animals?  Humans are animals.  Do you want someone to care enough to control you?”

“At the time I thought it had a point.”  Said Cassie.  “Then I realized it was really trying to control my mind.  So I started playing Justin Bieber on my MP3 player to drown that thought out.  Boy, that was a close call!”

When e-mailed for a comment, Wordmonster replied, “Sensationalism.  We like to feel sensations, but we hate it when the media sensationalizes a story.  Do they really mean that they hate the media for trying to create a sensation when there is really very little feeling behind the story.  Do we feel that the media is void of feeling and tried to compensate by sensationalizing their stories, like a certain Southwestern suburban publication is prone to do?

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Web exclusive: Mayor Claar demands rock salt reparations from the Soviet Union

Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar is demanding that the Soviet Union give Bolingbrook 500 tons of rock salt as reparation for their weather attacks.

“You tried to subdue us by attacking us with blizzards.”  Wrote Claar to the Soviet Union.  “You failed!  Now PAY UP!”  

Though popularly believed to have disbanded in the early 1990s, some say the Soviet Union really gave up their territory and went into hiding.  After spending over 20 years building Tesla weather machines, they have launched extreme weather attacks against the world’s governments.  The Soviet’s goals, according the these experts, are to destroy Earth’s governments, and impose world communism on humanity.

Sources who provided copies of Claar’s letters to the Soviet Shadow Government, say Claar believes the Soviets have already lost, and should pay for the damage their attacks have inflicted.

Said one source, “After all the car accidents, destroyed mail boxes, forced indoor confinement, and children being forced to shovel snow, residents still don’t want to live under a communist government.  Heck, we didn’t even have an Occupy Bolingbrook protest.  It’s clear that the Soviets can’t win, so they should pay reparations now!”

Sources with contacts in the Soviet Government, say they Soviets have not, and will not surrender until all farms are collectivized, all workers are members of the Communist Party, and there is only one dictatorship of the proletariat!

“They want to turn Bolingbrook into China!”  Said one source.  “Only this time the government won’t help the job creators become rich off of cheap labor.  That’s evil!”

When this reporter tried to contact Claar, his receptionist said Claar no longer does interviews with reporters.

“Roger strongly feels that reporters ask questions that the residents aren’t interested in.  He would rather talk directly to the voters at one of his many dinner events.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Hello Bill Nye?  You say Global Warming is real?  Then why did we get so much snow.”  After a long pause, the man continued.  “You’re saying that as the Earth warms, the chance for extreme winter storms increases?  Well, why didn’t anyone tell me this before I cut the rock salt budget?”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Flat Earth believers apply for charter school in Valley View School District 365U

Will parents in the Valley View School District 365U have the option to send their children to a school that teaches Flat Earth Theory?

Sources with relatives with friends within VVSD claim the district has received an application for a pro-flat Earth charter school.  The school, if approved, could open as early as the start of the 2015-2016 school year.

“Normally, I’d think that the application would be laughed at before bring thrown out.”  Said one source.  “This is Illinois, however.  So I don’t know what will happen with it.”

According to the sources, the charter school will be run by a corporation known as Flat Out Truth, which claims to have no ties to the Flat Earth Society.   The corporation publishes textbooks which encourage students to “question all so-called scientific facts.”  The company’s mission statement, which is not available on the Internet, says the company wants to “eliminate godless global theory.”

Explained Marc Hill, a spokesperson for the company, “Science claims to be full of facts, but if you read a textbook, it’s just full of theories.  Did you know that gravity is just a theory?  They don’t even understand how something as basic as gravity works.  They only have a theory.  It has something to do with space and time being the same thing.  I’m sorry, but even a Valley View kindergartner knows that space and time are not the same thing.”

While Hill concedes that the company’s textbooks refer to Flat Earth Theory, he thinks it should be called Flat Earth Fact.

“In the Bible, Revelations 7:1, God refers to the four corners of the Earth.  How can a globe have four corners?  It can’t.  Therefore the Earth is flat, and any other speculation must start with that fundamental fact!”

Hill added.  “Muslims are using flat Earth fact to make converts.  You can see it on their television programs!  If we want to preserve our country’s Christian heritage, we need to renounce global theory, which has only lead to billions of deaths, promiscuity, atheism, and feminism!  Richard Dawkins believes in global theory!  What does that tell you?”

Though Hill would not comment about the proposed charter school, a source within VVSD said he did hear someone talk to School Board President Steven Quigley.

“This man kept saying how he thought Steve was the best.  Said he was glad that Steve was willing to stand up to parents of the district and accept the resignation of Bolingbrook High School Principal Michael White.  Then he said it would be an honor if he would be allowed to set up a charter school in the district.  Steve seemed happy with the conversation.  Maybe this man was from your flat Earth group?”

A science teacher in the district, who asked not to be identified, denounced Flat Earth Theory as a scientific fraud.   According to the teacher, The circumference of the Earth was first established in 240 BC.  While not always accepted by the general population, scientists and scholars have accepted that the Earth is a globe for centuries.  He also cited satellite pictures of the Earth, the fact that the position of stars change as one moves further North or South, and the Coriolis Effect as proof the Earth is a globe.

“If your Christian Faith requires you to believe the Earth is flat, then you need to change your faith, instead of changing science.”

When asked to comment, Quigley replied, “If we add a charter school, it won’t promote flat Earth teachings, or any such nonsense!  These questions are so stupid that I hope you were never a student in our system!”

Hill is hopefully that their textbooks will find their way into the public school system in this country.

“There are charter schools that used to teach creationism.  Our work will be the next step!”

Also in The Babbler:

Michael White to becoming principal at Clow UFO Base
Soviets promise cease fire in their weather war against Bolingbrook
Manchester Mumbler: UK decides not evacuate the British Isles

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2//19/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Gay UFO crew crash lands at Clow UFO Base after escaping Sochi Olympics

A burning UFO streaks over Chicago before crashing at Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook.

By Reporter X

A UFO from Gliese 668 Cf crash landed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base Saturday.  Clow officials say 17 crew members are in critical but stable condition and 10 crew members are in stable condition.

The burning UFO streaked across the skies of Chicago before diving through a cloaked landing bay entrance and exploding into a fireball once it touched the metallic floor.  Clow’s Covert Fire Squad 1X extinguished  the blaze within minutes.

“We’ve had some pretty intense fire drills, but I’ve never seen anything like this.”  Said Firefighter Rebecca, who did not reveal her last name.  “I thought we’d only find the charred bodies of the crew, but they survived.  All I can say is thank God for that.”

The initial debriefings, leaked to this reporter, say the crew were flying over the Sochi Olympic games when they were attacked by the Russian Star Guard, a covert branch of the Russian government that manages the country’s interstellar relations.  The crew members confirmed that they were made up of gay and transgendered individuals who wanted to observe the olympics.

According to the interviewed crew members, Russia’s UFO bases are hostile towards LBGT beings.  LBGT visitors are not allowed openly state their sexual orientation or sexual identity.  Violators are exiled or executed depending on the each base’s administrator.  Additionally, gangs of human vigilantes roam the bases looking for LGBT aliens to kidnap or harass.  The kidnappers have posted videos to the interstellar Internet of their victims being forced to drink urine, and other humiliating acts.

“There was no way we were going to land in Russia!”  Said an unidentified crash survivor.  

Instead the crew planned to observe the events hovering over the venues.  Interviewed crew members insisted they had the necessary permits to be in Sochi air space.  Though their spaceship was rainbow colored, the crew insisted that their ship was cloaked the entire time they were in Russian territory.

The crew claimed after spending Friday watching the game without incident, the Russians attacked them on Saturday with Soviet era interceptors.  The Interceptors, a type of alien-human hybrid spacecraft, severely damaged the UFO and tried to force them to land at a Russian base.

Though fires were raging throughout the craft, the aliens refused to land.  Instead, they plotted a a suborbital flight path towards Clow UFO base.

“We knew Clow had available hanger space, and there was no way we were land at one of your so-called Red State bases.”  Said another unidentified crew member.

Clow officials confirmed that the Russian Star Guard attacked the craft over Russian air space, but said they were still investigating the incident.

“Right now we are treating the crew’s injuries.  We will be working closely with the New World Order and the Gliese embassy to determine a future course of action.”  Said Robert Z. Michaelson of Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.

Michaelson confirmed that Mayor Roger Claar has been informed about the crash and would visit the aliens soon.  He denied that Claar was visiting Sochi to meet with Bolingbrook voters who just happen to be attending the games.

Also in The Babbler:

Men's Rights Aliens launch DDoS attack against feminist web sites
Wood Allen barred from Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook residents stand firm against mounting Soviet snow attacks

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Music stars gather in Chicago for Illuminati review sessions

Photo by Nat Ch Villa
Popular music stars from around the world gathered in Chicago this weekend for secret “review sessions” with the Illuminati.  The results of each session will determine the future of that pop star’s career.

“It’s really scary.”  Said Selena Gomez.  “One wrong move and they can ruin your career.  I screwed up my last review.  They were kind enough to make my last album a top ten hit, but as punishment, I had to star in “Getaway.”  That was embarrassing!  I hope this coming session will get my career back on track.  Fnord!  Oops.  I shouldn’t have said that out loud.”

This reporter managed to infiltrate some of the sessions run by Illuminati Adepts Alec and Moonfire.

In the first session, Macklemore performed an anti-racism rap.  The adepts seemed unimpressed.

“It would have been fine 20 years ago, but we want you to be more cutting edge.”  Said Adept Alec.

“Why don’t you rap about transgendered people right now?”  Asked Adept Moonfire.  “That’s going to be the next social justice issue we want people to debate.”

“I don’t know.”  Said Macklemore.  “I don’t really understand them, and I’m kind of afraid of the backlash.”

“Don’t worry.”  Said Alec.  “You’ll have the support the Illuminati.  Give it a try.”

Macklemore thought for a moments, and then started talking.  “When I was 6 my sister forced me to wear a dress.  I wanted to take it off because it was so messed up.  Now I’m thinking about what some people go through every day.  What it must be like when society forces you to wear the wrong clothes because you’ve got the wrong parts.  Gender identity is more than the clothes you wear or your private parts.  Would Kid Rock be less of a man if he didn’t have a little rock?”

“Then cue the David Bowie sample!”  Exclaimed Moonfire.

“Who?”  Asked Macklemore.

“Trust us.”  Said Moonfire. “It will work and you’ll have a second hit album.”

“Thank you!”  Macklemore replied.  “I promise I’ll still buy my clothes from thrift shops. I’m not going to be one of those hip hop artists!” 

In the next session, Alan Thicke performed one song, then announced the theme of his second song.

“In this song, I will defend Woody Allen because--"

“We don’t need to hear it.”  Moonfire replied.  “We’ll be in touch.”

After Thicke left, Alec asked, “I think we should 27 Club him.”

“You mean 37 club him.”  Corrected Moonfire.  

In the last session observed, Taylor Swift approached the adepts.  Because they could speak, a hooded figure entered the room and formed a triangle with her fingers.  The adepts stepped out from behind their table and kneeled before the figure.  She uncovered her hood, revealing herself as Beyonce.  

“You may arise.”  She said.  The adepts stood up, but kept their heads bowed.  

“Taylor,” said Beyonce, “you still have our support.”

“We obey.”  Replied the adepts.

“Great!”  Swift replied.  “I can’t wait to write new songs trashing my ex-boyfriends!”

Beyonce shook her head.  “You need to think much bigger now because you now have Beyonce privilege!  I was able to flash an Illuminati symbol during the Super Bowl halftime show, and nothing happened to me.  There is more to life than bad boyfriends!”

“Wow!  There is?  That blows my mind.  This is why you are so awesome!”

“Thank you.  Just remember that if you find a powerful man, put the Ring of Illumination on him so the Illuminati can control him.”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook stays strong in face of Soviet weather attacks
Clow UFO Base promises ‘Out of this world’ Super Bowl Party
Internet survives FTBCon 2

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/5/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.