Sunday, January 5, 2014

Sources: Soviets threaten to drop the temperature to absolute zero!

Could the next Soviet cold weather attack bring temperatures to absolute zero?  Anonymous Bolingbrook officials say the Soviets have threatened to do just that, and Bolingbrook isn’t prepared.

“There’s no way to protect a community when the temperature drops to -459.67 F!”  Said one source.  “We’d need to build underground bunkers with nuclear reactors to have a chance at surviving!”

Absolute zero is the lowest possible temperature, scientists say.  At this temperature, all molecular motion stops.  The atmosphere in the affected area would solidify.  Anyone standing outside at the time would die instantly.  Survivors would be trapped in their shelters until the air could turn back into a gas.

The record low temperatures expected for this week are the result of what some are calling a polar vortex.  Some say the Soviet Union, mistakenly thought to have been destroyed in 1991, are using a Tesla Weather Machine to bring warm air from the south to the North Pole, and send the arctic air to the South.  Not only do the Soviets want to freeze North America, but, according to some experts believe, want to warm the arctic enough to allow them to exploit it’s oil and mineral resources.

Said another source, “Once they have the resources of the arctic, they’ll resume their quest of conquer the world!  No one will be able to stop them, unless we abolish Social Security, Obamacare, and Food Stamps.  We’ll need to give the military as much money as possible!”

Sources within Village Hall say Bolingbrook, along with the mayors in 2/3 of the country received a a threat from the Soviet Union that unless they surrendered, The Soviets would drop the temperature to absolute zero.

“You will see what our weather control machine can achieve at only one percent power.” Read the alleged threat.  “We hope you will become our comrades after you have tasted the bitter cold.  If not, we will have no choice but to use our machine at 100 percent power.  Do us a favor and embrace world communism.  Your residents will realize that it is better to be Red than dead.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, according to the sources, sent a one word reply to the Soviets.  “Nuts.”

When asked to comment, Claar only replied, “This cold weather is no joke!  Get your pets indoors right away,  Keep a small trickle of water running so your pipes don’t freeze.  If you let other families in your home, kick them out once the temperature rises above zero!  If you have no heat in your homes, find the nearest warming center.  Also tell your readers to stop complaining about property taxes!  Would you rather I increase the taxes on local factories and businesses?”

Also in The Babbler:

Official fear cold weather will lead to weredeer home invasions

Bolingbrook Tea Party protests property tax increase by attacking poor people
Yeti spotted in Chicago

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/7/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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