Sunday, January 19, 2014

Opposition parties respond to the 2014 State of the Village address

Each year, we ask Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to Mayor Roger Claar’s state of the Village address.  This year, The Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Roger Claar), The Bolingbrook International Socialist Organization, The Skepchick Party, and Art Bell Party responded.

The Roger Claar Party
“A great mayor deserves a great party!”

Roger came out fighting during this year’s speech.  While The Chicago Tribune floods the mayor of FOIA requests, Roger is busy bring new businesses into Bolingbrook.  New businesses means new jobs, and some of our residents could use new jobs.  New jobs require cheap water, and he’s bucking his own party by fighting to liberate our water supply from big business.  His fighting spirit is what makes Bolingbrook the best suburb in the world!

Yet the speech had a troubling undertone.  He once again hinted that that could be his last term.  He even said some foolish people believe this should be his last term.  After all he’s done, how could anyone oppose Roger?  Oppose him they do, and it’s obviously having an affect on him.

It doesn’t have to be this way.  Imagine if Roger had a village board that fully supported him.  Imagine board members that did more than approve his genius policies.  What if there were board members willing to knock on every door to find over-occupied homes?  What if there were board members willing to organize a boycott of Tribune advertisers until The Tribune leaves Roger alone?  What if there was a board that truly supported Roger?

In 2015, you won’t have to wonder.  By signing our nominating petitions and voting for us, you will give Roger the village board he deserves.  Who knows?  Maybe when he makes his 2016 speech, he’ll be talking about how he can’t wait to be the first 100 year old mayor of Bolingbrook!

David Nelson
Chairman of the Roger Claar Party

The Bolingbrook Internationalist Socialist Organization
“Trotsky’s revolution starts in Bolingbrook!”

It’s great that Roger wants to socialize Bolingbrook’s water supply.  However, there can never be cheap water until there is a global socialist revolution guided by the principles of Leon Trotsky!  

Bolingbrook cannot be reformed!  Roger Claar has profited from the coffers of Bolingbrook’s 1 percent.  When he leaves office, they will still hold the reigns of power in Bolingbrook.  Any future mayor will only be their puppet.  

Any change to Bolingbrook must must come from a revolution.  Better snow removal, better schools, better homes.  All of those can only be achieved through revolution!  You have nothing to lose but your chains if you put us in charge.

Our party is the only one with the revolutionary knowledge to lead the proletariat to victory!  We will show the proletariat how to run their lives as well as the means of production!  Our successful takeover of Bolingbrook will inspire other cities and villages to join us.  The 1 percent will fight back, yes, but isn’t a socialist paradise worth fighting for?

Ask yourselves this question?  The Dark Knight Rises tried to make a people’s uprising look like hell.  Yet the people were fed, the streets were clean, houses were heated, crime wasn’t an issue.  We’ll do the same to Bolingbrook.  You’ll only have to worry if you’re an unrepentant me member of the 1 percent!

Bolingbrook unite!  You nothing to lose but your chains, your restaurant tax, and Roger campaign fund!

Comrade X
Party Chairperson

The Skepchick Party
"The Good People of Bolingbrook deserve a great party!"

We think Roger gave a good speech, and he has done some great things for Bolingbrook, but he comes from a different era.  When he was first elected Mayor, Ronald Reagan was still President, skepticism was dominated by rich white males, and the public wasn’t aware of the Internet.

Today the Internet is the gathering place for the world.  The lines between real life and Internet life are almost erased.  Yet Roger distrusts articles published on the Internet because he thinks the screens are too small?

Religious belief is declining in this country, yet the village web page doesn’t include listings of Unitarian, Ethical Union, or Humanist organizations.  

It is great that Claar has promoted women and people of color into positions of power in local government, but ultimately he controls all the decisions made on behalf of Bolingbrook.  Those who try to run against Roger are silenced by his campaign machine.  

While Roger has done many great things over the years, we think it is time for a different vision for Bolingbrook.

We believe in a Bolingbrook that has open access to the Internet.  You should decide what web sites you want to visit, and that choice shouldn’t be taken away by back room deals by ISPs.

We believe that Internet threats should be taken seriously, and we will create guidelines to help the Bolingbrook Police deal with these threats.  In real life, a man can be arrested for trying to coax minor female into a car.  On the Internet, we tell that young girl to deal with it if that man sent her unwelcome e-mails.

We believe that science and skepticism should be promoted.  In addition to hosting a church directory, we believe there should also be a directory of pro-science organizations.  In fact, we’ll go so far as to converting the Bolingbrook Golf Club into the best natural museum and nature preserve ever!

Finally, we’ll make sure that Bolingbrook has access to the best Vegan food and restaurants.  

We’re back in Illinois, and we hope you’ll help us make Bolingbrook an even more awesome place to live!


Art Bell Party
"Keeping an eye on Bolingbrook’s skies"

This speech was a waste of time.  Until Roger is willing to come clean about Clow UFO base, he shouldn’t give such boring speeches.

Just as Art Bell has returned, so have we.  We promise full disclosure of Clow UFO Base, and of the outside forces trying to dominate Bolingbrook.

We also promise to protect the local Bigfoot population, while supporting efforts to keep irresponsible weredeer away from our women!

We also support the right to gun ownership, and the right to own any weapon that can shoot down a UFO.  You have the right not to be abducted!

We’re sorry we took a break, but now the dark forces of Bolingbrook are going to be even more sorry that we’re back!

Don Williamson
President of the Art Bell Party

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook laughs off latest weather attack
Claar: Chi-Fi Interstellar is still set for March 29 at Clow UFO Base
Man sees image of Roger Claar at the Bolingbrook Golf Club

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/22/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

We have many good voices lurking in the shadows of Bolingbrook.