Aliens to help enforce Bolingbrook’s ‘One House One Family’ policy
By Reporter X
Aliens abducting Bolingbrook residents will now be required to report on the number of individuals living in the abductee’s home.
Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs announced change to the abduction licensing requirement this week. The move is designed to help the village’s new crackdown on over occupied homes. A policy some critics have dubbed “One Family, One Home.”
Explained village spokesperson Michelle Z. Xian, “As (Mayor Roger Claar) explained, we can’t overtly search people’s homes without a court order. The courts won’t issue the police a warrant unless we provide a reasonable suspicion that the residents inside are criminals. We have no choice but to turn to our interstellar visitors for assistance.”
Aliens scientists are required to get a license from the village before abducting any residents. Before this month, aliens only had to pay for a year long license, and report any illegal alien technology found in a Bolingbrook residence. With the change, the scientists are now required to conduct a census of their subject’s home. If the home is deemed to be over occupied, as described by the municipal code, the department will send an anonymous tip to the Bolingbrook police department.
Xian, along with other sources in the department, defend the new requirement saying it will reduce crime and improve the quality of life in Bolingbrook.
Explained Xain, “Residents in single family homes expect to live next to other single family homes. Over occupied homes cause increased traffic, burden our trash collection, and increase of probably of inappropriate residents living in these neighborhoods.”
Xain would not define “inappropriate.” She did add, “If anyone wants to live in a multi-family home in Bolingbrook they should consider living in one of our fine apartments complexes.”
Rob X. Potter, head of Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party, denounced the plan.
“It bad enough that aliens are abducting us. Now Roger wants to use them to circumvent the Bill of Rights. This is unacceptable. As long as I maintain the exterior of my house, I should be able to house as many people as I want! We don’t need aliens snooping around. If it weren’t for their advanced technology, I’d shoot the first one that trespassed on my property!”
Potter also added that Bolingbrook’s abduction licenses exclude certain addresses from being targeted for abductions. According to Potter, that means certain individuals could rent out rooms with impunity, while others could face legal problems. Xain replied that the village has other ways of enforcing its building codes that don't involved aliens.
Thom, who asked that we not use his last name, says he rents out rooms in his home, but is concerned about the new rules.
“First Roger cuts down on the number of rooms I can rent out, then he increases the property tax. Is he trying to price people out of Bolingbrook?”
Jed, who rents from Thom, is concerned.
“I pay my rent. I shop in Bolingbrook. I don’t cause any problems in the neighborhood. Now I’m in danger of being thrown out of the village. If they don’t want poor people living in Bolingbrook, why don’t they just set a minimum income requirement instead of playing these games?”
Paul, who also asked that we not use his last name, feels that the policy could actually divide families.
“I have two daughters who are married. I love them both. I’m worried that if they have kids and the economy forces them to move back in with me, what will happen if the villages decides my home is over occupied? Will I have to put one of the children up for adoption? Will one of my daughters have to get a divorce? Will I have to make a donation to Roger’s campaign fund to keep my extended family together? Of all the ideas the DuPage Independent Party came up with, Roger had to choose cracking down on home occupancy? It’s enough to make me say, ‘(expletive deleted) you Bonnie!’”
The receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could could not comment.
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t care if you are a poly-whatever! I just don’t want your home overflowing with so-called partners. Maybe some of them can buy a second home and improve my tax base!”
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God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/14
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