Sunday, December 29, 2013

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2014


Will there be protesters at The Amazing Meeting 2014?

Every December, our team of psychics gets together to predict the major events for the upcoming year.  Last time, our psychics did an excellent job with their predictions for 2013.  Mayor Roger Claar easily won re-election, and Bonnie Alicea did end her silence.  Congress and the President continued to spar, which could look like the beginnings of a civil war.  There wasn’t a mixed martial fight at The Amazing Meeting, but it did have an MMA theme, and an MMA fighter was present.

Sure our psychics didn’t catch every major story, but considering that the average person cannot see the future, we think they did very well.  It should also be pointed out that the future is fluid and can change at any minute.  By publishing our predictions, we may have altered the future to prevent some of them from coming true.

With that in mind, here our predictions for 2014.  Read them if you dare!

***

In a desperate attempt to pay off the state’s debts, The state of Illinois will attempt to capture and mine an asteroid.  The asteroid will land harder than expected, killing thousands in southern Illinois.  The money raised from the mining, however will turn Illinois into the richest state in the nation.

***

Claar will finally post a tweet from his twitter account!  He’ll announce when his term expires, he will run for mayor of San Diego.  

***

Faitheist Chris Stedman will convert to Islam and denounce atheism.

When asked why, Stedman will reply, “Religionists are offended by the existence of atheists.  Standing up for ourselves and being too vocal only makes things worse.  So we might as well give up.  It’s better to be silent, miserable and alive, than to be tortured, outlawed and killed.”

***


Twitter will announce that it will suspend the accounts of all female users.

“Our male users get upset whenever women complain about Twitter, so we thought the easiest solution was to remove all the female users so they couldn’t complain.”

The plan will be canceled due to public outrage, and being unable to figure out how to deal with transgendered users.


***

The James Randi Educational Foundation will have to deal with two very large protests at The Amazing Meeting 2014.

The first group, People for the Preservation of Wikipedia, will conduct a “million ghost march” into Las Vegas’s South Point Hotel Casino and Spa during TAM.  Lead by blogger and author Craig Weiler, the hundreds of marchers will pretend to be the ghosts of Wikipedia articles “censored” by the Guerrilla Skeptics and the JREF.  They will march until they are stopped at the escalators lead up to the TAM convention area.  Making ghostly sounds, they will demand that Weiler be given an hour an hour long speech, and to speak with Randi and Susan Gerbic.  

Tim Farley, a JREF fellow, will address the protesters.  After listening to their complaints for a few minutes, he says that they don’t understand how Wikipedia works, and he has to get back to work.

The protestors will then march to the card tables and stage a “gamble-in.”  Security will allow them to stay as long as they spend money and don’t bother TAM attendees.

The second group, Occupy the Del Mar, an international group of feminists and their supporters, will occupy all the seats and chairs in the South Point’s Del Mar bar to protest alleged sexual misconduct at TAM and within the skeptical movement itself.

Occupy will seize the Del Mar the Tuesday evening before TAM, and immediately set up an Internet presence.  They will ask supporters to give them money so they can “pay rent” and not be arrested for loitering.  Despite a deluge of  threatening e-mail, "parody sites," and nasty tweets, Occupy will successfully hold the Del Mar throughout TAM.  Not only that, but they will entertain bystanders with their drum circles and “mic checks.”

Though TAM attendees will find another bar to congregate at, Occupy will achieve a symbolic victory because many TAM attendees consider the Del Mar “their” bar during TAM.

Despite pleas from skeptics around the world, The South Point will refuse to remove the Occupy protesters.

“They’re giving us money, providing free entertainment, and we don’t have to serve them anything.”  A spokesperson will say.  “What’s not to like?”

Though initial investigations will suggest that Occupy was organized by Jamie Kilstein, skeptics will blame Skepchick and Atheism+ for the protest.

These skeptics will have to change their message, however, when JREF president DJ Grothe announces that there were no protests against TAM 2014.

Tim Farley will add, “What’s the harm in telling people there were protests at TAM? People will think not every one supports our mission!”

***

Freethought Blogs and Patheos will merge and create a spinoff political blog network, Etheos.  Etheos will feature bloggers from all global political viewpoints, generating more income for the new combined network.

One former FTB blogger will say, “It sucks that Freethought Blogs is no more, but with all the money I’m getting from Etheos, I can afford to pay for graduate school, buy a home, visit all my, um, friends over the summer, and still write about intersectional atheism!”

***

The Bears will not make the Super Bowl in 2014, which is fortunate, because the game will be struck by a blizzard.  Rescue teams will arrive in time before attendees are forced to turn to cannibalism.

The game will be canceled and future Super Bowls will be played in warm weather stadiums.    

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook to impose ‘One House One Family’ law
UFO pilots warned against drunk abductions on New Years
Space Pope to visit Mayor Claar

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/1/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Happy Holidays everyone!

By Chris Olson
Publisher of The Babbler

After 32 years, I will be retiring from The Bolingbrook Babbler as publisher.  So it is an honor that my last column will be a holiday greeting to all of our readers.

Yes, I said holiday greeting.  I’m not saying it to attack Christmas.  Merry Christmas, if it makes you feel better.  Keep in mind that Bolingbrook is a diverse community, and not everyone celebrates Christmas.  There’s Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Human Light, New Years, and not to mention the thousands of holidays celebrated by our interstellar visitors at Clow UFO Base.

So happy holidays to all of our readers and may you have a great year, even in the face of all the Soviet weather attacks!

It has been an honor to be your publisher for all these years.  I’ve had the honor to work with many great staff members and freelance writers.  Most importantly, I’ve had the honor of living in the greatest suburb of Chicago.  As we prove every week, Bolingbrook is the most important village in the Milky Way Galaxy!


There will be some changes next year, but let me assure you, that as long as there is a Bolingbrook, there will be a Bolingbrook Babbler!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

The Babbler’s top eleven articles for 2013

By Sarah Langston
Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler

It has been quite a year for Bolingbrook!  Mayor Roger Claar was elected to his eighth term, a Bolingbrook record which may never be broken.  We’ve survived several Soviet weather attacks.  The number of weredeer shooting back at Will County hunters decreased by 15 percent.  The Department of Paranormal Affairs, however reported a 20 percent increase in hauntings in Bolingbrook.  

Throughout the year we’ve covered the stories that Bolingbrook’s other news sources won’t.  Claar may have been indirectly referring to our web site back in September, but we stand by our stories.  We say it doesn’t matter if you read our articles in our paper, on a cell phone, on a PC or on a tablet.  The unbelievable truth transcends formats.

As you’re taking a break from your last minute shopping, (hopefully in one of Bolingbrook’s many fine stores), we invite you to look back at our 11 most popular stories of 2013 from our web site.  We have many fond memories of these stories, and we hope you do too.

11) Atheist “crusaders” detained at O’Hare.  The folks at r/atheism denounced this story.  We’ll take that as a compliment.  

10) Space aliens removed from AutismOne Conference.  Originally written in 2011, it is still referenced by pro-vaccine activists. They just can’t stop citing it.  

9) Bikini-clad women protest corn sales.  This is from our sister publication, The Red Deer Reporter based in Alberta, CA.  Bikinis, unfortunately, can still translate into web hits.

8) Mayor Roger Claar vows to crush The Roger Claar party. People like Bonnie may come and go, but rivalry between Claar and the party that named itself after Claar without his permission lives on.

7) Ghost of Margaret Thatcher attacks Richard Dawkins. Richard Dawkins did not have a good year, as this article from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler shows.

6) Ghost cryptozoologists condem Bigfoot expert Matt Moneymaker.  This article dates back to 2012, but we still get visits from the Bigfoot Buzz.  Yet another fine article from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler.

5) Swamp Monster spotted in Bolingbrook. This classic from 2008 is always finding a new audience.

4) Prehistoric computers from Whalon Lake reveal global cooling debate. A classic from 2010 that is still relevant today.

3) Chicago Skeptics shock the world by hosting the largest Skepticamp ever! Our enemies, The Chicago Skeptics, are still talking about this gathering.  Psychics are still recovering from the anti-psychic energy this event created. Yet they intend to host another camp in 2014!

2) Sirius leaders demand the return of ATA. We were the first with the shocking story about this miniature alien.

1) CSICOP teams up with Guerrilla Skeptics to form “Candle Tactical Teams.”  The federal government didn’t collapse but skeptics and believers alike are still interested in articles about the Guerrilla Skeptics.  To date, they have not “edited” a Wikipedia article about us.

2013 was quite a year, and we look forward to presenting more unbelievably true stories in 2014.  Be sure to follow us on Twitter @BolingbrookBabb.  You can also keep up with us on Facebook, and on Google+. We’ll have some very major announcements to make in 2014 too.

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets promise to burry Bolingbrook with a White Christmas
Anti-psychic Kitty:  Cats do love humans, even if they are needy.
Shopping with the Men in Blue program improves community relations

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/26/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Web Exclusive: Taslima Nasrin confronts author of Quran at Clow UFO Base


By Reporter X

Award winning writer Taslima Nasrin confronted the alien Gab’rel, author of the Quran, on stage at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base.  Tensions were high at the event, sponsored by Interstellar Islamic Alliance and Milky Way Atheists, due to the subject matter, and because a TV series based on Nasrin’s work was just banned in the Indian state of West Bengal.  

“You have a lot to answer for!”  Exclaimed Nasrin.  “Your work of fiction has cause me great harm!  I have been exiled, beaten, threatened with death, and had my works banned.  I’m lucky!  Countless others have been killed by your oppressive fiction, works of art have been destroyed to appease your fictional god!  Women have been enslaved, tortured, denied education and mutilated to appease your misogynistic fantasies!”

Gab’rel, a resident of Kepler-623, laughed as Nasrin denounced his work.

“Sure there have been some excesses, but overall, I think the good Islam has brought to Earth far exceeds the bad.  Most of the bad stuff isn’t my fault anyway.”

During their 4 hour debate, Clow UFO Base was on its highest security status.  All audience members were searched for weapons, and the front of the stage was protected by three different force fields.  Fortunately, there were no incidents, and no arrests.  One alien was asked to turn his Tim Minchin t-shirt inside out, and he/she complied.

Most of the emotional displays were on stage, as moderator Mayor Roger Claar struggled to keep peace on stage.

“On this stage, I am in control!  Not Allah!  Not Dawkins!  Me!  I will decide who gets to speak next and you will obey me!”

During the debate, Nasrin pointed out that while other religions promote misogyny, that did not excuse Islam’s sexism.

“Women are treated as second class citizens in many countries.  They are forced to cover themselves because men are never taught to control themselves.  Women are punished if they improperly report their rapes.  They use your book as an excuse for their hate!”

“Sure I don’t care for female women,”  Gab’rel replied, “You can’t blame me for these crimes.  Muhammand was a real peace of work.  I had to write the Quran so he would be able to remember it.  It took me 23 years to get him to memorize it correctly because he was too distracted by infants and little girls.  You think I could have talked about feminism to a guy like that?  No!  I had to keep my audience in mind if I wanted this to be a popular work.”

Gab’rel said he was motivated to complete “The Aramaic Trilogy.”

“The editing of the Old Testament was a mess.  The New Testament wasn’t better.  Come on!  Telling the same story four times, and each version is different?  I knew I could do better.”

Gab’rel conceded that many have died due to Islamic teachings, but added, “but my believers created arabic numerals, trigonometry, and preserved ancient Greek and Latin texts.  So it is a net plus.”

Nasrin countered that today’s Islam is being controlled by fundamentalists who have no respect for knowledge.  She pointed to Saudi Arabia, Iran, and the Taliban as examples of modern Islam.

“You could have chosen to teach humanity science, reason and critical thinking.  Instead you chose to write a harmful fantasy.  Religion may offer comfort, but it is not true, and its authoritarian structure can cause great harm, as history has shown us again and again!”

Near the end of the debate, Gab’rel stated that he did not agree with the censoring of her TV series.

“Muslims were once great conquers and excellent scholars.  These pretenders are offended by a TV series about three female siblings.  The people who are harming you are muslim in name only!”

Near the end of the debate, audience members were finally allow to make statements or ask questions.

QuiDo, a member of the IIA said that he believed that Gab’rel’s work was actually inspired by Allah, and asked Nasrin to wear something less provocative.

“I like females who wear spacesuits with the visors down because I can’t see any of your tempting flesh.  You would like one because they’re air conditioned!”

A Clow staff member addressed the two while holding back tears.

“I want to hate Taslima because she writes for Freethought Blogs, but she’s fighting against Islam, which means I have to support her.  The FTB bullies don’t do anything against Islam, but you are doing something against Islam, but you are a member of FTB, but you’re not a bully, but you are, but you’re bullying the right people.  But it’s not bullying.  I’m so confused!”

The man fell to floor crying, and had to be escorted out of the auditorium.  

Richard Dawkins addressed both panelists.  He praised Nasrin for her courage in the fight against Islam, and condemned Gab’rel for unleashing “a scourge on humanity even worse than Rebecca Watson!”  He then turned to the female seating area of the IIA and started to speak.

Dear Muslima—“


“Shut up!”  The women shouted back.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Chicago Skeptics to unleash another Skepticamp in 2014

The controversial organization Chicago Skeptics announced that they would host a Skepticamp on April 4, 2014 at the Irish American Center in Chicago.

“Last year, we put on an awesome event that attracted between 175 and 199 people!”  Said Chicago Skeptics member, who asked not to be identified.  “In 2014, we hope to have another awesome event because their are so many awesome skeptics in Chicago that can talk about so many awesome topics!”

Supporters of Skepticamps say they are informal events that promote scientific skepticism.  They are free to attend, but attendees are encouraged to participate by either giving a presentation, volunteering their time, or making a donation.  Speakers volunteer for speaking spots instead of being “curated.”  Skeptics around the world have organized the events since 2007.

Last year’s Chicago Skepticamp presentations included a skeptical prospective on Electronic Voice Phenomena, Bayesian Logic, the science behind marital arts, and conspiracy theories.

Anyone who wants to attend can register online.  There is also a separate site for potential speakers to register.

Critics contend that the real purpose of Skepticamps is to unleash high levels of anti-psychic energy in urban areas, encourage the public to ignore “Cryptids,” and condemn millions of ghosts to oblivion by encourage disbelief in them.”

 Dawn, president of the Chicago Paranormal and UFO Society, accused the Chicago Skeptics of “creating a parapsychology disaster” with their last Skepticamp.

“Last year, Chicago’s psychics had to refund thousands of dollars due to the anti-psychic energy their event released into the environment.  Not only that, we estimate that there were approximately 300 Fortean events that weren’t reported due the public believing they were suffering from Pareidolia or were misidentifying a normal creature.”

Dawn also believes there are sinister forces behind the Skepticamp movement.

“I really find their emphasis on ‘critical thinking’ to be very disturbing.  Critical thinking is just one of many ways of knowing you’re right.  For example, my intuition tells me that the Chicago Skeptics are working with the New World Order to cover up numerous psychology operations.  Logical thinking would require me to deny this theory, but I know it’s true and there are other ways of confirming the truth!  That’s why I listen to Alex Jones!”

Another member of Chicago Skeptics denies that the group is part of any conspiracy, and defended critical thinking.”

“Sure it is possible to suffer from hyperskepticism, but the problem is that too many people believe in harmful pseudoscience.  For example, irrational fears of vaccines are leading to measles outbreaks.  People die when they give up effective medicines for homeopathy.  The only thing we are guilty of is promoting science and reason!”

Chicago Skepticamp registration will be open through March 1, 2014.

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets launch snow attack agains the Middle East
Fermi Lab vanishes for 12 seconds
Bonnie reelected mayor of Florida’s ‘Little Bolingbrook’ community

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/17/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

American Atheists to open superstore in Bolingbrook

An alleged mockup of an American Atheist billboard that may appear in Bolingbrook later this week
Anonymous Bolingbrook atheists and concerned residents confirm that American Atheists will be opening a superstore in the Bolingbrook Commons strip mall.

“This is the next step in our outreach program!”  Said Phil, who asked that we not use his last name.  “AA has been so pleased with the response to our Times Square electronic billboard that they decided that the next rational step would be to open a superstore.  What better place to open a store, then in Bolingbrook?”

Phil claims to be the manager of the new superstore. He says the new store, called American Atheists Superstore, will open on Christmas Day.  

“What better way to conclude this year’s war on Christmas than to open a business on Christmas Day? We’ll be handing out Christmas survival kits, as well selling the finest collection of atheist products in Illinois!  What a state!”

Besides t-shirts, books and buttons, the superstore will also sell exclusive products, like velvet paintings of AA founder Madalyn Murray O’Hair.

“Jesus just got hit several times before he was nailed to a piece of lumber.”  Said Phil.  Madalyn received threatening letters, had her kitten killed, her parents house stoned, her critics called her ugly and she became known as the most hated woman in America.  Even her son William left her for the false comfort of religion.  When she thought couldn’t suffer any more, organized atheism turned on her and AA.  She was betrayed by a fellow AA employee, and brutally murdered, along with the rest of her family.  Now that’s suffering, and she suffered so that we could be free of religious superstition!  Why not commemorate her suffering with this fine painting?  Proceeds go to the organization that she founded so you could be free!”

Concerned residents are angered that the new superstore will be in the same mall as Liberty Temple Full Gospel Church.  The church filed a lawsuit against the village in 2010 to after the village denied it permission to operate within the mall.  The church produced a map showing that the mall was zoned to allow for churches.  The village countered that the map was in error, and the mall was only for retail shops.  A judge ruled in favor of the church on 12/21/12. 

“I’m sure (Mayor Roger Claar) is behind this!”  Said church member Julia, who asked that we not use her last name.  “He couldn’t force us out through the courts!  Now he thinks bringing a store run by the godless minions of Satan will defeat us!  We will not move.  Our faith has brought us this far.  It will help us stand against American Atheists!”

Sources within village hall deny that Claar solicited business from American Atheists.  

However one source did say that Claar did review their business license.

“After I gave him the paperwork, Roger asked, “They’re going to be in Bolingbrook Commons, right?’  I said yes.  He said, ‘Are they going to pay the sales tax?’  I said yes.  He asked if the store would employ local residents, and I said yes.  He thought for a bit, and then said, ‘I can’t complain.’  Then he signed the paperwork.”

When reached for comment, Claar denied American Atheists were opening a store in Bolingbrook, and added, “Why don’t you register for my state of the village address, and learn how I’m really bringing new business to Bolingbrook.”

AA Public Relations Director Dave Muscato also denied that they were planning on opening a superstore in Bolingbrook.

“We are quite happy with are web store, and see no need at this time to open a brick and mortar  store.”

In the background, a man could be heard talking on the phone.

“Yeah.  This David Sliverman, president of American Atheists.  I just received your membership application and I’m calling to personally reject it.  My only question is do you want to (expletive deleted) or take a (expletive deleted) on your check before I send it back?”  After a few moments of silence, he replied, “Oh, you consider yourself an ally!  What kind of ally threatens one of my staff with a gun?”  It then sounded like the man slammed the phone down.

Also in The Babbler:

Chicagoland braces for Soviet snow attack
Bolingbrook participate in ‘Operation Save Red Deer, Alberta’
Atheists drive God out of Daley Plaza with electric ‘A’ sign
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/11/12
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Terrible Thursday! A Babbler special report

Image from SOHO/ESA.
This Thanksgiving will go down as one of the more eventful In Bolingbrook’s history.  The Babbler has the exclusive details!

Clow UFO Base treats Comet ISON survivors

By Reporter X

Twenty survivors of the Comet ISON breakup were treated at Clow UFO Base’s trauma center Thanksgiving evening.  They were treated for radiation burns, severe sunburns, and exposure to the vacuum of space.

According to Clow spokesperson Paula Z. Franks, about 100 aliens were on the surface of Comet ISON when it was at its closet approach to our sun.  They were participating in the extreme sport known as comet surfing.

“These adolescent visitors did not fully understand the dangers of visiting an unstable comet like ISON.  Even the most advanced scientists in the galaxy were puzzled by its behavior.  These youths put themselves at risk for death!”

The trauma center seemed barely organized as they struggled to deal with the sudden influx of patients.  

“I need Class 3 Silicon STAT!”  Yelled an unidentified doctor.  When told they were out, the doctor snapped, “Then meltdown a computer in the scrap room.  I’ve got her pebble guts in my hands I need something to seal the wound now!  Plus I’d like to have my Thanksgiving dinner before midnight please!”

Ogoddoo, a survivor from HD 85512 b described the chaos shortly before Ison’s breakup.  

“My sister and I were posing for pictures next to one of the jets.  It was really rad, and we tried to get closer.  The next thing I know, the ground split apart.  Two new jets blew us into space.  I got blow into space.  She got blown into your sun.  We were just bored and thought it would be fun to surf this comet.  We didn’t think it would actually break up.  New comets shouldn’t break up like that!  We thought there was enough new material to make it around your sun.  How could we be so wrong?”

Franks says all twenty survivors are in stable but critical condition.  It is not clear if they will be enrolled in the Humanoid Corrective Learning program after recovering.

Eight aliens arrested at Walmart

By Reporter X

An alien skirmish lead to eight arrests outside the Bolingbrook Walmart around 11 PM Thanksgiving evening.  The Men in Blue arrested four aliens fighting on the ground, and the air force broke up a dog fight between two UFOs over the store.  No humans were injured and there was no property damage.

“While most of our visitors behaved honorably this evening,” said Clow UFO Base spokesperson Paula Z. Franks, “some decided mimic the behavior described on Twitter.”

Gizgoo, a lawyer for the detained aliens, defended their actions.  “They were participating in your traditional celebration of violence and materialism!  My clients will be exonerated once all the facts are revealed!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar replied.  “I’m not interested in your silly story.  I’m too busy celebrating the new expanded shopping season at the Promenade.  Hey DJ, turn it up!”

Wereturkey spotted in Bolingbrook

Three eyewitness claim to have seen a were turkey wondering around Bolingbrook on Thanksgiving afternoon.

“I had just put the turkey in the oven and decided to look out the window.”  Said Jeanie, who asked that we not use her last name.  “That’s when I saw this 10 foot half-man half-turkey standing in my front lawn.  It gobbled at me.  I screamed and then closed the curtains.  When I opened the curtains for my husband, the thing was gone!  I swear I saw a wereturkey!”

Jeanie said her family had Thanksgiving with the turkey, “because I’d already spent money on it.   Why let the poor bird die in vain?”

Don, who asked not to be identified, claimed he also saw the monster.

“It looked at me and then looked the at the bag with the turkey in it.  I told my family to slowly walk inside, then call the Department of Paranormal affairs.  Once they were inside the creature gobbled very loudly at me.  I told it to shut up because it was really tofu shaped like a turkey.  Then I walked back into the home.  The stupid creature didn’t know what to do and it wondered back into the woods.”

The Department of Paranormal Affairs could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Decedents of ancient aliens slam the History Channel
Sources: Claar to run for Governor of California 
Babbler to raise funds for snow relief for Alberta residents

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/5/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.