Sunday, January 27, 2013

Rabid Bigfoot terrorizes Bolingbrook

Enhanced with an image from The Bigfoot Lunch Club.

(Content Warning: Short descriptions of property damage and an assault by a Bigfoot.)
A rabid Bigfoot’s rampage near the Elmhurst-Chicago Quarry in Bolingbrook left one person injured and thousands of dollars of damage.  

“The situation is under control.”  Said Paul Michaels, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  “While we have not completed our search of the area, we firmly believe this was an isolated incident.”

Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, showed a toolshed that he claims was destroyed by the Bigfoot.

“I just finished building the thing and I was walking back to house.”  Said Doug.  “Then this hairy man jumped over the fence.  Before I could pull out my hand gun, it scream and then attacked my shed.   When it looked at me, I could see it was foaming at the mouth.  I knew I was in trouble, and I was having a problem pulling my gun out.  Fortunately for me, it turned and ran though the fence into my neighbor’s yard.”

Later, according to Doug, a women climbed over the fence.  According to Doug, she shook her head and said, “It’s your fault for putting a bright metal building in your backyard.  That’s why he attacked.”  Before Doug could reply, the woman ran away, following the Bigfoot’s path of destruction.  

Paula, who asked that we not use her last name, claims the Bigfoot damaged her kitchen.

“I was fixing lunch, and listening to some music when that thing attacked!  Then I heard a window shattering!  I looked and I saw this huge hairy arm smashing my MP3 player!  I thought I was scared, but then it pulled its arm out and stuck it’s head in.  Let me tell you, a foamy mouthed Bigfoot is really scary!  Then it tried to force it’s way into the house.  Good think we ordered a brick house.  It gave up later, and then ran away.  That’s why I called my husband and said, ‘Joe, remember when I told you to buy Bigfoot  insurance?’”

According to Paula, a few minutes a woman stuck her head through the broken window.

“It’s your fault.”  The woman said.  “You were playing your music too loud, and hurt its ears.  You brought this upon yourself.”

Said Paula, “She ran away before I could tell her she was a (expletive deleted).”

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Anti-Psychic Kitty Speaks: Attend Chicago Skepticamp! (Web Exclusive)


Note: Anti-psychic Kitty is the most skeptical creature on Earth.  Any psychic who uses their powers in his presence will die.  The Babbler and The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry have joint custody of APK.  In exchange for keeping APK away from psychics, CSI requires The Babbler to print his skeptical column.  The views expressed in this article do not represent the views of The Babbler.

I’m really excited that a great Chicago tradition returns in March.  No, not the St. Patrick’s Day dying of the Chicago River.  I’m talking about Chicago Skepticamp 2013 on March 2 at the Irish American Heritage Center.  It’s sponsored by Chicago Skeptics.

Skepticamps are free, informal skeptical gatherings that promote science, critical thinking, and science-based skepticism.  Local skeptics share their knowledge and experiences with each other, and together they become better skeptics.  I like to think of Chicago Skepticamp as catnip for the human intellect!  Cats, on the other hand, don’t need more intellectual stimulation.  *hee hee*

Past Chicago Skepticamps have featured talks about astrobiology, homeopathy, evolution, statistics, and one person’s encounter with a martial arts cult!  My personal favorite talk, however, was about pet food myths!

The best part is, you don’t have to be a professional skeptic, like me, to give a talk.  Inexperienced speakers are especially encouraged to give presentations.  Trust me, the humans will be friendly and supportive to anyone speaking for the first time.  

Skepticamps are not only fun, but they’re about bringing new ideas and new people into skepticism.  With all the myths shrouding Chicago, we could use some more candles in the dark.  I prefer to think of it as gaining more cats to hunt the mice of woo! 

How much do you have to pay to be a part of the Skepticamp community?  Nothing!  It’s free, just like my meals!  Participants are encouraged to help with the planning, make a donation, or volunteer as needed.  It is not required, however.

This year, I’m going to do something special.  If all the slots for Chicago Skepticamp are filled, I will give a special video presentation!  Imagine, seeing me, the most skeptical creature on Earth, addressing the best group of skeptics in Chicago.  What’s not to like?

So go to http://chicagoskepticamp2013.eventbrite.com/# if you want to be a part of Chicago Skepticamp 2013.  Just remember there are many things to be skeptical of, but only one thing is certain.

IMSOCUTE!


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Opposition parties respond to 2013 Bolingbrook State of the Village address


Each year, after Mayor Roger Claar delivers his state of the village address, we invite Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond.  This year The Roger Claar Party, The Anonymous Party, and Hemp for Bolingbrook Party accepted our invitations.

The Roger Claar Party: A great mayor deserves a great party

Note: Claar is not affiliated with this party, and has denounced the party in the past.

Wow!  It blows our minds to realize that this is Roger’s final election.  The man who rebuilt Bolingbrook will take his final bow in April.  We owe our homes, our jobs, and our livelihoods to Roger.  What better way to show our appreciation than to vote for him in April?

The only question is, how do we vote for Roger?  Do we vote for the so-called First Party for Bolingbrook?  A party that hasn’t updated it’s web site in two years?  A party who’s candidates can’t be bothered to defend Roger when he is attacked in the comments section of Bolingbrook Patch?

Instead, why not a political party that fights everyday to tell the world that it fully supports Roger Claar.  Elect us, and we’ll not only vote for him, we’ll fight his enemies on and offline!  We’ll keep his web sites updated, and we’ll let the world know that Bolingbrook has the greatest mayor ever!

Roger deserves the best board of trustees for his final term in office!  Help make that happen by voting for the only party that is proud to use his name!

Dave Nelson
Founder of The Roger Claar Party

The Anonymous Party: Expect us to win!

Greetings Roger Claar.  We are Anonymous.  We are faceless and we are powerful.

You have gone too far with your proposed Internet sales tax.  If the 99 percent want to pay Bolingbrook sales taxes, they would shop in Bolingbrook.  The Internet is its own country, and your tax is an act of war!  While you are not evil, you are annoying, and you must be stopped!

On February 7, five brave souls will file to run as write-in candidates.  While you spend your campaign fund on cell phones, meals, gasoline, and charitable donations, we’ll be using the Internet to get out the vote for our courageous candidates.  Bonnie may have tried to use the Internet against you, but we are the Internet!  

Today you expect an easy victory, but tomorrow, know that Anonymous is campaigning against you.  We will only use legal tactics and real voters against you because Bolingbrook is ready for change.  For once, we will work within the law to start the revolution.

On April 9, the mainstream media will call our action an electoral upset. We will think of it as a denial of elected office attack.  The result will be the same.  We will win.  You will lose.

We are Anonymous.  We are Legion.  We do not forgive.  We do not forget.  Expect us to defeat you at the ballot box.

Anonymous

Hemp for Bolingbrook Party: Legalize it!

I don’t know about you, but I really don’t care for the all the empty storefronts in Bolingbrook.  Roger says that 7.5 percent of our retail spaces are empty.  According to comments in Bolingbrook Patch, former candidate Rhonda Reed-Slaughter wants to turn these commercial properties into parks or other kinds of non-revenue generating property.  Roger wants to keep them empty hoping that one day retail stores will come back.

My friends, there is a third option.  One that allows us to clear out these eyesores and still generates revenue.  We can use these spaces to grow hemp!

Some might say that growing hemp would send the wrong message to our children.  After all, it is related to cannabis, and we don’t want our children getting stoned and listening to rap music.

We say nonsense!  All plants are related, and we’re not going to ban all plants because they’re related to Cannabis.  Besides, if they tried to smoke cannabis, they wouldn’t get high.  Then they wouldn’t go looking for cannabis  We’d solve the local drug problem!

That’s not all hemp can do.  We use hemp to make food, paper, fabrics, and fuel.  Hemp farming can actually take carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere!  That’s means it can fight global warming!  Imagine if you will, retail and Internet stores filled with products made from Bolingbrook hemp!  Far out, isn’t it!  By taking Bolingbrook back to its agricultural roots, we generate all the money we need to run Bolingbrook.  Instead of cutting funding for government programs, we’d be increasing their budgets!

Sure we have to deal with slight problem of getting DEA approval before growing any hemp.  Fortunately, President Obama is from Illinois, and I’m sure he’d want to help us out!

So instead of taxing online sales to Bolingbrook residents, residents should be supplying the online stores with hemp!  Lets legalize hemp production in Bolingbrook!

Pat Donovan
Chair of the Hemp for Bolingbrook party

Also in The Babbler:

Experts say Bolingbrook government web sites filled with subliminal messages
Mayor Claar rejects restaurant that would have served Bigfoot meat
Chicago to ban residents from owning nuclear warheads
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/23/13


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

US Military rejects “Arms for Atheist Concerts” deal


By Reporter X

The US Military rejected an offer to receive extraterrestrial weapons in exchange for allowing an atheist themed concert at Camp Pendleton.

After six hour meeting at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, representatives from each military branch and board members from Fomalhaut Tools for Peace corporation failed to sign a sales contract.  One military representative, who asked to remain anonymous, compared the negotiations to getting a contract offer from Satan.

“They were offering us weapons to ensure our military superiority in exchange for promoting Godlessness!  We thought it was more important to offer our soldiers salvation.”

Lead salesperson Loogoo, said he was disappointed in the US Military.  “There are enlightened defenders in your military who feel discriminated against.  Our company just wanted to help them by making a more than generous offer to your leaders.”

According to various sources, TFP demonstrated one of their older battle armor models.  The demonstrated with Loogoo holding up an Improvised Explosive Device.

“Devices like these are responsible for over 66% of coalition deaths in Afghanistan.”    Said Loogoo.  He then handed the device to an alien wearing “Peace Shield Battle Armor.”  Before the observers could react, the device exploded harmlessly in the alien’s gloved hand.

“Their most powerful weapon.  Rendered harmless!  Wait.  There’s more.  Today, if you want to move your troops from the sea to land, you had to use loud helicopters, clumsy hovercraft, or inflatable rafts.”

The armor then hovered three feet off the ground.

“Our Peace Shield allows soldiers to fly themselves to the front line.  Why land on a beach when you can land on your enemy’s head?  How much would you pay for this?  Before you answer, there’s more!”

The armor landed as assistants wheeled out a box.  Loogoo claimed that each side of the box was three feet of solid lead.

“You don’t want to give your troops advanced armor, only to give them glorified metal shooters to fight back.”

The alien turned towards the box.  Seconds later, a puff of smoke appeared, along with a small hole in the box.  Loogoo opened the box, and pulled out a paper target.  There was a hole in the bullseye.

“With our active neutrino sensors, your soldiers can see anything.  Combined with our neutrino guns, they can shoot anything they see!”

After concluding the demonstration, Loogoo said, “All this can be yours for the low cost giving Camp Pendleton’s Rock Beyond Belief concert the same level of support as the Armor of Light concert!”

Military leaders than made several counteroffers, none involving the concerts.

“Why are you so insistent in promoting religious belief in your troops?”  Asked Loogoo.

“We feel that it prevents suicides.”  Said one leader.

“Do you have proof?”  Asked Loogoo.

“Not really, but after spending over a $100 million dollars on a spiritual fitness test, we have faith that it will work.”

“So you’re not concerned that they’ll think the enemy is doing them a favor by sending them to a glorious afterlife?”

Another leader interjected.  “Christ commands us to save the souls under out command.  Saved souls understand that it is a sin to commit suicide.”

“Isn’t he the prince of peace?”  Asked Loogoo.

The leader shook his head.  “That’s a common misconception, which would take too long to explain to our soldiers.  So we want them to think that Christ is part of the high command.  So by following our orders, they’re following Christ’s orders.”

After the meeting, Tools for Peace released a statement saying, “We tried to help the freethinkers in your military, but we now realize that this will be a long term project.”

A military source, who asked to remain anonymous, said denied the story.

“We were offered used battle armor.  We do not buy anything used!”

In the background, a man said, “No sir!  I do not consider my spiritual score to be a failure.  I consider it the wave of the future.”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets: No snow until Chicago surrenders
Bonnie: I’m too successful to be Mayor of Bolingbrook
Clow wins best UFO base award
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/17/13


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Mayor Roger Claar vows to crush The Roger Claar Party


Will Bolingbrook April 9 Consolidated Election be the last stand for the party named after Mayor Roger Claar.  Claar certainly hopes so.

“The Roger Claar Party is not a political party!”  Said Claar, who founded the The First Party for Bolingbrook.  “It is a conspiracy to commit electoral fraud!  They’re trying to use my name to get their trustee candidates elected.  I’ve kept them off the ballot since 1993.  That’s obviously not enough!  This year, I am going to wipe them out once and for all.”

Claar refused to specify how he planned to destroy The Roger Claar Party.  Anonymous sources within the First Party say that along with legal challenges, The First Party will aggressive attack The Roger Claar Party’s Internet presence.  

Said one source, “If they create a Facebook Page, we’ll file a complaint.  If they put up a YouTube video, we’ll flag it.  If they create a web page, we’ll explain to the web host exactly what kind of organization The Roger Claar Party is.  If one of them tries to post on an Internet forum, we’ll have four accounts post replies to them.  By the time this campaign is over with, they won’t even be able to get a blog on Blogger.”

The source quickly added that only The Roger Claar Party will receive this treatment.

“We’re not worried about Tim Dombrow running for trustee.  He may be a financial planner, but we have access to a half-million dollar campaign fund!  We can handle him.  We’re targeting The Roger Claar Party because it has the audacity to steal Roger’s good name and use it against him!”

David Nelson, head of The Roger Claar Party, denies that the party is stealing Claar’s name.

“Roger is the best mayor in the history of Bolingbrook.”  Said Nelson.  “Unfortunately, he doesn’t always select the best people to serve with him.  When Liberty Temple Full Gospel Church tried to undermine our tax base, did the trustees stand in front of their occupied storefront and tell them to leave?  No.  They sat by as Roger was forced to settle with them.  When Chick-Fil-A opened in Bolingbrook, did the trustees promise to eat most of their meals there?  Of course not.  Roger and Chick-Fil-A had to face those pro-gay protestors all alone!  The Roger Claar is the only party that fully supports Roger.  We will stand up to the Me-First party!”

Nelson concedes that Claar does not support The Roger Claar Party.  While this has kept the party off the ballot in the past, Nelson says the party will try a new tactic.

“This year, we’ve formed a corporation called Roger Claar.  Our lawyer thinks corporations have the right to run for office.  So technically, we’re running a corporation called Roger Claar for mayor.  Of course, if we win the election, Roger would serve as the mayoral administrator for the corporation.”

Nelson also doubts the Bolingbrook First Party can keep them off the Internet.  Though the party did lose its Twitter account.

“They said we shouldn’t use a picture of Roger and call the account Roger C. Claar.  I don’t think that’s fair.  The people who run @bbmayor have yet to post anything.  We say Roger should have a voice on Twitter!”

Also in The Babbler:

Talks breakdown between The Bears and Satan
Aliens ask Rhonda Reed-Slaughter to run for mayor
Nostradamus predicts victory for Mayor Roger Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/8/13


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.