|Enhanced with an image from The Bigfoot Lunch Club.|
(Content Warning: Short descriptions of property damage and an assault by a Bigfoot.)
A rabid Bigfoot’s rampage near the Elmhurst-Chicago Quarry in Bolingbrook left one person injured and thousands of dollars of damage.
“The situation is under control.” Said Paul Michaels, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs. “While we have not completed our search of the area, we firmly believe this was an isolated incident.”
Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, showed a toolshed that he claims was destroyed by the Bigfoot.
“I just finished building the thing and I was walking back to house.” Said Doug. “Then this hairy man jumped over the fence. Before I could pull out my hand gun, it scream and then attacked my shed. When it looked at me, I could see it was foaming at the mouth. I knew I was in trouble, and I was having a problem pulling my gun out. Fortunately for me, it turned and ran though the fence into my neighbor’s yard.”
Later, according to Doug, a women climbed over the fence. According to Doug, she shook her head and said, “It’s your fault for putting a bright metal building in your backyard. That’s why he attacked.” Before Doug could reply, the woman ran away, following the Bigfoot’s path of destruction.
Paula, who asked that we not use her last name, claims the Bigfoot damaged her kitchen.
“I was fixing lunch, and listening to some music when that thing attacked! Then I heard a window shattering! I looked and I saw this huge hairy arm smashing my MP3 player! I thought I was scared, but then it pulled its arm out and stuck it’s head in. Let me tell you, a foamy mouthed Bigfoot is really scary! Then it tried to force it’s way into the house. Good think we ordered a brick house. It gave up later, and then ran away. That’s why I called my husband and said, ‘Joe, remember when I told you to buy Bigfoot insurance?’”
According to Paula, a few minutes a woman stuck her head through the broken window.
“It’s your fault.” The woman said. “You were playing your music too loud, and hurt its ears. You brought this upon yourself.”
Said Paula, “She ran away before I could tell her she was a (expletive deleted).”