Sunday, December 29, 2013

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2014


Will there be protesters at The Amazing Meeting 2014?

Every December, our team of psychics gets together to predict the major events for the upcoming year.  Last time, our psychics did an excellent job with their predictions for 2013.  Mayor Roger Claar easily won re-election, and Bonnie Alicea did end her silence.  Congress and the President continued to spar, which could look like the beginnings of a civil war.  There wasn’t a mixed martial fight at The Amazing Meeting, but it did have an MMA theme, and an MMA fighter was present.

Sure our psychics didn’t catch every major story, but considering that the average person cannot see the future, we think they did very well.  It should also be pointed out that the future is fluid and can change at any minute.  By publishing our predictions, we may have altered the future to prevent some of them from coming true.

With that in mind, here our predictions for 2014.  Read them if you dare!

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In a desperate attempt to pay off the state’s debts, The state of Illinois will attempt to capture and mine an asteroid.  The asteroid will land harder than expected, killing thousands in southern Illinois.  The money raised from the mining, however will turn Illinois into the richest state in the nation.

***

Claar will finally post a tweet from his twitter account!  He’ll announce when his term expires, he will run for mayor of San Diego.  

***

Faitheist Chris Stedman will convert to Islam and denounce atheism.

When asked why, Stedman will reply, “Religionists are offended by the existence of atheists.  Standing up for ourselves and being too vocal only makes things worse.  So we might as well give up.  It’s better to be silent, miserable and alive, than to be tortured, outlawed and killed.”

***


Twitter will announce that it will suspend the accounts of all female users.

“Our male users get upset whenever women complain about Twitter, so we thought the easiest solution was to remove all the female users so they couldn’t complain.”

The plan will be canceled due to public outrage, and being unable to figure out how to deal with transgendered users.


***

The James Randi Educational Foundation will have to deal with two very large protests at The Amazing Meeting 2014.

The first group, People for the Preservation of Wikipedia, will conduct a “million ghost march” into Las Vegas’s South Point Hotel Casino and Spa during TAM.  Lead by blogger and author Craig Weiler, the hundreds of marchers will pretend to be the ghosts of Wikipedia articles “censored” by the Guerrilla Skeptics and the JREF.  They will march until they are stopped at the escalators lead up to the TAM convention area.  Making ghostly sounds, they will demand that Weiler be given an hour an hour long speech, and to speak with Randi and Susan Gerbic.  

Tim Farley, a JREF fellow, will address the protesters.  After listening to their complaints for a few minutes, he says that they don’t understand how Wikipedia works, and he has to get back to work.

The protestors will then march to the card tables and stage a “gamble-in.”  Security will allow them to stay as long as they spend money and don’t bother TAM attendees.

The second group, Occupy the Del Mar, an international group of feminists and their supporters, will occupy all the seats and chairs in the South Point’s Del Mar bar to protest alleged sexual misconduct at TAM and within the skeptical movement itself.

Occupy will seize the Del Mar the Tuesday evening before TAM, and immediately set up an Internet presence.  They will ask supporters to give them money so they can “pay rent” and not be arrested for loitering.  Despite a deluge of  threatening e-mail, "parody sites," and nasty tweets, Occupy will successfully hold the Del Mar throughout TAM.  Not only that, but they will entertain bystanders with their drum circles and “mic checks.”

Though TAM attendees will find another bar to congregate at, Occupy will achieve a symbolic victory because many TAM attendees consider the Del Mar “their” bar during TAM.

Despite pleas from skeptics around the world, The South Point will refuse to remove the Occupy protesters.

“They’re giving us money, providing free entertainment, and we don’t have to serve them anything.”  A spokesperson will say.  “What’s not to like?”

Though initial investigations will suggest that Occupy was organized by Jamie Kilstein, skeptics will blame Skepchick and Atheism+ for the protest.

These skeptics will have to change their message, however, when JREF president DJ Grothe announces that there were no protests against TAM 2014.

Tim Farley will add, “What’s the harm in telling people there were protests at TAM? People will think not every one supports our mission!”

***

Freethought Blogs and Patheos will merge and create a spinoff political blog network, Etheos.  Etheos will feature bloggers from all global political viewpoints, generating more income for the new combined network.

One former FTB blogger will say, “It sucks that Freethought Blogs is no more, but with all the money I’m getting from Etheos, I can afford to pay for graduate school, buy a home, visit all my, um, friends over the summer, and still write about intersectional atheism!”

***

The Bears will not make the Super Bowl in 2014, which is fortunate, because the game will be struck by a blizzard.  Rescue teams will arrive in time before attendees are forced to turn to cannibalism.

The game will be canceled and future Super Bowls will be played in warm weather stadiums.    

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook to impose ‘One House One Family’ law
UFO pilots warned against drunk abductions on New Years
Space Pope to visit Mayor Claar

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/1/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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