Sunday, December 1, 2013

Terrible Thursday! A Babbler special report

Image from SOHO/ESA.
This Thanksgiving will go down as one of the more eventful In Bolingbrook’s history.  The Babbler has the exclusive details!

Clow UFO Base treats Comet ISON survivors

By Reporter X

Twenty survivors of the Comet ISON breakup were treated at Clow UFO Base’s trauma center Thanksgiving evening.  They were treated for radiation burns, severe sunburns, and exposure to the vacuum of space.

According to Clow spokesperson Paula Z. Franks, about 100 aliens were on the surface of Comet ISON when it was at its closet approach to our sun.  They were participating in the extreme sport known as comet surfing.

“These adolescent visitors did not fully understand the dangers of visiting an unstable comet like ISON.  Even the most advanced scientists in the galaxy were puzzled by its behavior.  These youths put themselves at risk for death!”

The trauma center seemed barely organized as they struggled to deal with the sudden influx of patients.  

“I need Class 3 Silicon STAT!”  Yelled an unidentified doctor.  When told they were out, the doctor snapped, “Then meltdown a computer in the scrap room.  I’ve got her pebble guts in my hands I need something to seal the wound now!  Plus I’d like to have my Thanksgiving dinner before midnight please!”

Ogoddoo, a survivor from HD 85512 b described the chaos shortly before Ison’s breakup.  

“My sister and I were posing for pictures next to one of the jets.  It was really rad, and we tried to get closer.  The next thing I know, the ground split apart.  Two new jets blew us into space.  I got blow into space.  She got blown into your sun.  We were just bored and thought it would be fun to surf this comet.  We didn’t think it would actually break up.  New comets shouldn’t break up like that!  We thought there was enough new material to make it around your sun.  How could we be so wrong?”

Franks says all twenty survivors are in stable but critical condition.  It is not clear if they will be enrolled in the Humanoid Corrective Learning program after recovering.

Eight aliens arrested at Walmart

By Reporter X

An alien skirmish lead to eight arrests outside the Bolingbrook Walmart around 11 PM Thanksgiving evening.  The Men in Blue arrested four aliens fighting on the ground, and the air force broke up a dog fight between two UFOs over the store.  No humans were injured and there was no property damage.

“While most of our visitors behaved honorably this evening,” said Clow UFO Base spokesperson Paula Z. Franks, “some decided mimic the behavior described on Twitter.”

Gizgoo, a lawyer for the detained aliens, defended their actions.  “They were participating in your traditional celebration of violence and materialism!  My clients will be exonerated once all the facts are revealed!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar replied.  “I’m not interested in your silly story.  I’m too busy celebrating the new expanded shopping season at the Promenade.  Hey DJ, turn it up!”

Wereturkey spotted in Bolingbrook

Three eyewitness claim to have seen a were turkey wondering around Bolingbrook on Thanksgiving afternoon.

“I had just put the turkey in the oven and decided to look out the window.”  Said Jeanie, who asked that we not use her last name.  “That’s when I saw this 10 foot half-man half-turkey standing in my front lawn.  It gobbled at me.  I screamed and then closed the curtains.  When I opened the curtains for my husband, the thing was gone!  I swear I saw a wereturkey!”

Jeanie said her family had Thanksgiving with the turkey, “because I’d already spent money on it.   Why let the poor bird die in vain?”

Don, who asked not to be identified, claimed he also saw the monster.

“It looked at me and then looked the at the bag with the turkey in it.  I told my family to slowly walk inside, then call the Department of Paranormal affairs.  Once they were inside the creature gobbled very loudly at me.  I told it to shut up because it was really tofu shaped like a turkey.  Then I walked back into the home.  The stupid creature didn’t know what to do and it wondered back into the woods.”

The Department of Paranormal Affairs could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Decedents of ancient aliens slam the History Channel
Sources: Claar to run for Governor of California 
Babbler to raise funds for snow relief for Alberta residents

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/5/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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