Sunday, December 8, 2013

American Atheists to open superstore in Bolingbrook

An alleged mockup of an American Atheist billboard that may appear in Bolingbrook later this week
Anonymous Bolingbrook atheists and concerned residents confirm that American Atheists will be opening a superstore in the Bolingbrook Commons strip mall.

“This is the next step in our outreach program!”  Said Phil, who asked that we not use his last name.  “AA has been so pleased with the response to our Times Square electronic billboard that they decided that the next rational step would be to open a superstore.  What better place to open a store, then in Bolingbrook?”

Phil claims to be the manager of the new superstore. He says the new store, called American Atheists Superstore, will open on Christmas Day.  

“What better way to conclude this year’s war on Christmas than to open a business on Christmas Day? We’ll be handing out Christmas survival kits, as well selling the finest collection of atheist products in Illinois!  What a state!”

Besides t-shirts, books and buttons, the superstore will also sell exclusive products, like velvet paintings of AA founder Madalyn Murray O’Hair.

“Jesus just got hit several times before he was nailed to a piece of lumber.”  Said Phil.  Madalyn received threatening letters, had her kitten killed, her parents house stoned, her critics called her ugly and she became known as the most hated woman in America.  Even her son William left her for the false comfort of religion.  When she thought couldn’t suffer any more, organized atheism turned on her and AA.  She was betrayed by a fellow AA employee, and brutally murdered, along with the rest of her family.  Now that’s suffering, and she suffered so that we could be free of religious superstition!  Why not commemorate her suffering with this fine painting?  Proceeds go to the organization that she founded so you could be free!”

Concerned residents are angered that the new superstore will be in the same mall as Liberty Temple Full Gospel Church.  The church filed a lawsuit against the village in 2010 to after the village denied it permission to operate within the mall.  The church produced a map showing that the mall was zoned to allow for churches.  The village countered that the map was in error, and the mall was only for retail shops.  A judge ruled in favor of the church on 12/21/12. 

“I’m sure (Mayor Roger Claar) is behind this!”  Said church member Julia, who asked that we not use her last name.  “He couldn’t force us out through the courts!  Now he thinks bringing a store run by the godless minions of Satan will defeat us!  We will not move.  Our faith has brought us this far.  It will help us stand against American Atheists!”

Sources within village hall deny that Claar solicited business from American Atheists.  

However one source did say that Claar did review their business license.

“After I gave him the paperwork, Roger asked, “They’re going to be in Bolingbrook Commons, right?’  I said yes.  He said, ‘Are they going to pay the sales tax?’  I said yes.  He asked if the store would employ local residents, and I said yes.  He thought for a bit, and then said, ‘I can’t complain.’  Then he signed the paperwork.”

When reached for comment, Claar denied American Atheists were opening a store in Bolingbrook, and added, “Why don’t you register for my state of the village address, and learn how I’m really bringing new business to Bolingbrook.”

AA Public Relations Director Dave Muscato also denied that they were planning on opening a superstore in Bolingbrook.

“We are quite happy with are web store, and see no need at this time to open a brick and mortar  store.”

In the background, a man could be heard talking on the phone.

“Yeah.  This David Sliverman, president of American Atheists.  I just received your membership application and I’m calling to personally reject it.  My only question is do you want to (expletive deleted) or take a (expletive deleted) on your check before I send it back?”  After a few moments of silence, he replied, “Oh, you consider yourself an ally!  What kind of ally threatens one of my staff with a gun?”  It then sounded like the man slammed the phone down.

Also in The Babbler:

Chicagoland braces for Soviet snow attack
Bolingbrook participate in ‘Operation Save Red Deer, Alberta’
Atheists drive God out of Daley Plaza with electric ‘A’ sign
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/11/12
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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