Sunday, November 17, 2013

Skepticon 6 unleashes waves of tainted anti-psychic energy

Parapsychologists around the world reported record levels of anti-psychic energy tainted with social justice this weekend.  The suspected culprit is Skepticon 6, a controversial skeptical convention in Springfield, MO.

“I’ve never seen anything like this since the publication of ‘The God Delusion!’”  Said Paul Conners, unofficial parapsychologist for the University of Chicago.  “This tainted energy not only makes people disbelieve the paranormal, it also makes them aware of feminist privilege theory!  This could devastate the paranormal community!”

Dawn, a Bolingbrook based psychic, said she was in the middle of a psychic reading when the first wave hit.

“I was speaking with her recently deceased grandfather, when all of a sudden, I could barely hear him.  More so than normal.  So naturally I started asking my client questions so I could make sense of what her grandfather was saying.  Normally, my clients help me out, but she accused me of doing cold reading.  I was so stunned, I couldn’t say anything.  I thought she had just converted to a denier.  Then it got worse.  She accused me of exploiting those who could not afford grief counseling, and that society should do a better job of helping the poor deal with grief!”

The client stormed out and yelled that she was suddenly compelled to view the Atheism+ web page.

Paula, who asked that we not use her last name, was selling homeopathic pills when all the customers decided to cancel their purchases.  

“They accused me of selling sugar pills dipped in water spiked with undocumented herbs.”  Said Paula.  “When I tried to explain quantum physics to them, they said I was abusing the language of science to sell a fraud.”

After Paula gave them their money back, the customers said something unexpected.

“They accused the 1 percent of targeting the underprivileged with fake medicines while trying to hog all the good medicine for themselves.  It really got weird when they said that Obamacare wasn’t enough.  The US needed a single payer system.  Weird.  I’m hoping the next Bears game will snap them back to normal.”

Experts believe that the wave of energy started at Skepticon.  The experts, who spoke to The Babbler, say Skepticon’s combination of traditional skepticism with opinionated speakers like Monica R Miller, Amanda Marcotte, Debbie Goddard, and Greta Christina, unleashed the tainted energy around the world.

Some eyewitnesses say that energy also affected skeptics as far away as Canada and England.

In London, witnesses report a man sitting at a bus stop around midnight with a laptop.  

“Any second now, they’re going to walk out on PZ!”  The man repeatedly said for several minutes.  Then he started saying, “they’re not applauding very loud!”  repeatedly for several minutes.

Before he passed out five minutes later, he started saying, “Rebecca is going to say something to make them mad!” 

In Ontario, a cafe owner described how one of his regular customers, who is a skeptic, acted more unusual than normal.

“Normally she’s always looking at her smart phone and saying something about Opheila.  I don’t know.  Maybe she was turned turned down for the part in Hamlet.  Anyway, today, when she looked up and her face turned bright red, I knew there was a problem, and it wasn’t the weather.”

The owner jumped over the counter, took the skeptic’s order, and escorted her to table in a remote corner of the cafe.  

“It was the darnedest thing.  She like took out her sketch book and started tweeting and drawing at the same time.  Every so often she would stop to take a picture of herself.  She was more focused than usual.”

While most of the regulars left her alone, a visiting truck driver walked by her table.  After looking at her drawings, he said she drew very good “anime.”

According to the owner, the skeptic glared at the driver and howled, “I don’t draw anime!  I am a mangaka!”

Said the owner, “She really started going off on him.  Called him as dumb as Rebecca Watson, whoever that is.  Then she started talking about her friend Ted, and that’s when I had to push the man away for his own safety.  I gave him a free meal and apologized.  That calmed him down, and she went back to her work.”

Skepticon is expected to end this Sunday.  Belief in God and the paranormal should return to normal by Tuesday, say many experts.

Skepticon organizers could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook braces for Soviet storm attack
Farmer ends turkey uprising
Mole people claim responsibility for suburban earthquake

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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