Sunday, November 24, 2013

Exclusive: Sylvia Browne slams critics from beyond the grave

The Babbler is proud to be the first media outlet to interview Sylvia Browne following her death on November 20, 2013.  Our interview, Browne responds to the so-called ‘skeptics’ who attacked her reputation following her death, and her plans for the next several hundred years.  The full interview is only available in this weeks’ print edition of The Babbler.  The following is an excerpt.

Babbler psychic Jade Hawk:  I call out to the great spirit of Sylvia Browne!

Sounds of hacking and coughing fill the room.

Hawk:  Sylvia!

Browne:  Wait a minute!  You actually heard that?

Hawk:  Yes I did.  You still don’t sound well.

Browne:  Well I just passed over.  It takes awhile to get better, but I’m working on it.  Boy you are good.  But it takes more than good hearing to be a superior psychic like me.

Hawk:  I will keep working on my talent.  So, do you have a special message for the public.

Browne:  I’ve heard nothing but good things from the public.  Thank you.  Your memories of me are what sustain me in next world.

Hawk:  I see.  So you haven’t heard any of the cruel words from your critics.

Browne:  I might have heard them, but they’re not talking about me in public.  Only privately.

Hawk:  Actually, they’ve been quite open.  For example, they like to point out that you predicted that you would die at age 88.  Instead you died at 77, and were planning on going on tour in 2014.  How do you respond?

Browne:  James Randi stole 10 years of my life using his anti-psychic powers.  Who knows how many more years he would have stolen if I had taken his million dollar challenge?

Hawk:  Wow.  Strong words.  How do you respond when skeptics point out your failed predictions?

Browne:  Only God is perfect.

Hawk:  Do you still regret your incorrect vision that Amanda Berry was dead, when she was really alive?

Browne:  Of course, but her cell was very dark, and so I confused it with the afterlife.  It was an honest mistake.  Again, only God is perfect.

Hawk:  Can’t argue with that.  So what are you doing now that you have passed over?

Browne:  I want to help others resolve their issues so they can pass on and rest in peace.  I’d like to do that for as long as I can before I move on to my next life.

Hawk:  That’s very nice of you.  How do you help them?

Browne:  I still have my powers. For a nominal amount of their essence, I tell me clients what their living relatives are up to?

Hawk: Essence?  You mean your fellow ghosts give you part of their existence in exchange for a reading.

Browne:  Honey, it’s not like there’s money here, and I’d like to exist for as long as possible.  I provide a service, and this is the only way they can pay me.

Hawk:  How much do you charge?

Browne:  Seven hundred years of essence for a thirty minute reading.

Hawk:  You charge 700 years from your clients?

Browne:  I’m a top talent.  Don’t you charge money for your readings?

Hawk:  I work on a salary.  I would never exploit my clients!

Browne:  I’m looking at your mother right now.  She loves you, but wants you to use your talent to better support yourself.

Hawk:  My mother is dead!

Browne:  From my prospective, she looks alive to me.  You might want to look into that.  Of course, only God is perfect.

Hawk:  OK.

Browne:  If it’s really upsetting to you, then tell my family, friends and fans that there are ways they can help me gain essence.  They can buy my books or subscribe to my web page.  It’ll be announced later, but if you pay the low price of $49.95 a year, I’ll send you a personalized reading on your birthday!  That’s not all!  You can also buy my juicer, which can be used to help prepare foods that you believe are part of an anti-cancer regimen.  My family will also be announcing a new line of e-cigarettes with likeness on the cover.  Not only you be keeping my memory alive, you’ll also get to enjoy the pleasures of smoking without the risks of sounding like me later in life.  Isn’t that great.  Oh, wait, there’s more.  You can also join my church and be part of an organization that could preserve my memory for centuries.

Hawk:  Um, wow.  I’m going to have to add to my list of questions.

Browne:  We’ll have to finish this later.  The angel Martin Gardner wants to talk to me.  Why can’t you and your dirty minded skeptics leave me alone?

Gardner:  Sylvia, accept the creator’s love and repent your wicked ways of woooo!

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptics deny mass shooting occurred at Skepticon
Reporters treated for boredom following Village Board meeting
Turkeys to picket both Bolingbrook Meijer stores

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/28/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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