Sunday, October 6, 2013

Special Report: Chicagoland prepares for US Government meltdown

File photo

Despite reassurances from economics experts, Chicagoland officials are secretly planning for a possible US Government meltdown if the federal debt ceiling isn’t raised.  The following are special reports from our reporters.

Chicago City Council to lift ban on alchemy

Sources within city hall say they will lift the local ban on practicing alchemy if it appears the US government will go into default.

“If we can create just right amount of gold, not only would keep the city solvent, but we might be able to pay off our pension fund debt!”  Said a source close to city hall.  “Just between you and me, (Mayor) Rahm Emanuel is secretly pulling for a default.”

The alchemy ban was secretly enacted in 1872 when the Unnatural Events Commission’s report on the Chicago fire suggested that Mrs O’Leary was practicing alchemy when she accidentally started the fire.  The punishment is 30 years in prison.

Today, paranormal experts believe the fire was caused by Native American ghosts.

Sources say if the vote goes according to plan, the ban will be lifted by October 10, one week before the government is expected to go into default.  If the US debt ceiling is raised before October 10, the ban will remain in place.

When asked to comment, Emanuel replied, “We’d rather put our faith in the (expletive deleted) Canadian dollar than in alchemy!”

Northern Will County Water Agency prepares to build moat

The Northern Will County Water Agency is secretly requesting bids to build a moat to surround Bolingbrook, Homer Glen, Lemont, Romeoville, and Woodridge.

“We prefer to think of it as building the world’s largest artificial pond.”  Said a source close to the project.  “If your definition of moat is a body of water with a series of drawbridges that could be used to protect buildings or communities, then yes, in a very technical sense, you could say that the agency is building what could commonly be considered a moat.”

The agency started soliciting bids on October 1.  The request calls for construction to start on October 5 and be completed Before October 10.  In addition to digging the moat to surround the boarders of all the villages, they would also have to build drawbridges over the moat.  Bolingbrook would have the most bridges, ten, while Romeoville would only have two.

Another source defends the project.  “In the unlikely event that the rest of the country reverts to anarchy, we want to make sure there is an island of stability in the suburbs!  Who knows?  Maybe we’ll be the ones to rebuild American civilization.”

The plan also calls for “armed forces” to seize Illinois American Water’s pipeline to gain access to Lake Michigan water.  Water from the Pipeline would be used to fill the moat.  The seizure would happen one day before an expected “National Government Termination Day.”

“What is American Water going to do to us?”  Asked the first source.  “Sue us? Have the army protect the pipeline?  I don’t think so!”

None of the mayors would comment for this story, but a spokesperson for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar doubted that the US Government would go into default.

“It’s more likely that President Obama would evoke the 14 Amendment and lift the debt ceiling himself.  Sure Congress would sue him, but that would take months to resolve.  I think we’ll be OK.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “John, I’m not going to let you destroy my campaign fund over Obamacare!  Pay your damn obligations, get your members in line, then work on purging all Democrats from the House in 2014!  What kind of leader can’t control his own party?”

UFO war fleets in orbit over Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

Clow officials confirmed that ten alien battle fleets are in geosynchronous orbit over Bolingbrook to assist any evacuation efforts.

“We are working with the fleet leaders to ensure that there are no misunderstandings.”  Said Clow spokesperson Connie R. Parker.  “We expect Clow to remain open should the United States Government enter a terminal condition.  If any visitors wish to leave, we will let them.”

GalsKlos of the Magellanic Confederation did not share Parker’s optimism.  

“Clow will be overrun with panicked suburbanites if your National Government fails.  Our job is to keep the air and ground space clear for our crafts to leave.  We will not be taking any humans with us!”

Two of the fleets, however, plan to help evacuate leaders of Earth’s skeptical movement if asked to.  

Explained Donna Goddard, Center for Inquiry’s representative at Clow UFO Base, “we’ll post a coded message on our web page.  Those who understand the code will report to their designated evacuation areas.  This is why we have worked with our alien visitors for thirty-seven years!  So they would help us in moments like this!”

Goddard also vowed that once evacuated, the skeptics would eventually return to rebuild a “science based civilization.”

Paula Z. Marks, Clow ambassador from the Skepchick Network, said Clow would be an evacuation point for their bloggers based in Chicago.

“Rebecca Watson’s astroid doesn’t have enough room for all of our supporters.”  Said Marks.  “If the Skepchicks have to evacuate the Earth, we will work with our Interstellar allies to provide humanitarian aide to our supporters!  If you want our help, now would be a very good time to renounce misogyny!”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler apologies for calling for capital punishment against Tom Green
Northwestern football loss blamed on ghosts
Soviets Union: American Marxists ‘seriously unprepared’ for armed revolution
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/10/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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