Sunday, October 20, 2013

PZ Myers tweets from Hell!

Psychic impression of PZ Myers in Hell.
he Babbler’s
top psychics confirm that famed atheist PZ Myers visited Hell this weekend and tweeted about it.

“Our merciful Lord has given PZ Myers a taste of the eternal damnation he faces unless he repents his skeptical ways.”  Said psychic Diane.

The psychics agree and the tweets confirm that Myers’ Hell is in an auitorium where he is forced to listen to lecture on alternative science, or what skeptics like to call, “Woo.”

“(A)lready woo-wooed out.” Myers wrote in his first post five minutes into stay in Hell.

Myers retaliated by tweeting rebuttals to his demonic lecturers. One such lecturer disguisged itself as Scott Wolter, host of the H2 program America Unearthed.

“Oh, god. Oreo Cookies contain secret Masonic symbols.” Tweeted Myers.  

This was later followed by two desperate tweets.  “Tying it altogether: Kensington Runestone was carved by Masonic Viking monks in collaboration with Indian Templars. For Oreos.”  He later added, “OMG. Kensington runestone, American Indians speaking Hebrew, the Masons, Pope, and Oreo cookies…and the cause is the zodiac.”

According to psychic Paul, “PZ has been desperately trying to summon his army of Minnesota Talking Land Squids to rescue him.  They can’t, because the lecture hall is surrounded by a moat of fire, and all the entrances are guarded by fire golems!  Even I feel tortured as his materialistic mind is destroyed by the power of Lucifer’s minions!”

As the weekend progressed, Myers’ tweets suggested that he was in fact losing his sanity.

“This guy is nucking futz.” Tweeted Myers, who also tweeted, “An ellipse has two foci. Planetary orbits are elliptical. Look! An elliptical courtyard in the Vatican! So freakin' what.”  

He later tweeted, “Uh-oh. A pyramid represents the womb of a woman when she's lying on her back? Really?”

The demons further tested his sanity with a lecturer disguised as L.A. Marzulli, author of the Nephilim Triology. 

“The soulless Nephilim fled the Jewish conquerors on boats to South America. Inca=Nephilim/alien/angels/demons.”  Tweeted Myers, followed by, “Two points can be connected by a line? That requires advanced math and aerial photography!”

Near the end of the visit, Myers, tweeted, “Now it's alien abductees. Implants. I cn't take much more of this.”

The Babbler’s psychics agreed that God will return Myers to his home this evening.  While the psychics hope that Myers will repent and accept Jesus Christ as his savior, most doubt that he will.

“When Satan gives you fame and Internet page views, it is very hard to turn away from his darkness.”  Said Psychic Diane.  “The Lord can work miracles, however.  So it is possible PZ could end up in Heaven.”

When reached on his cell phone, Myers, after demanding to know how this reporter got his cell phone number, said, “I’m not literally in Hell.  I’m at Paradigm Symposium 2013 in St. Paul.  That’s as close to Hell as I’m ever going to get!”

Also in The Babbler:

Vampires voice support for Illiana Expressway
Bolingbrook forced to cancel Internet toll tax
Bonnie Alicea elected mayor of Florida's ‘Little Bolingbrook’ neighborhood
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/26/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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