Sunday, October 13, 2013

CSICOP teams up with Guerrilla Skeptics to form ‘Candle Tactical Teams’

CSICOP, a paramilitary skeptical group, announced they were forming “Candle Tactical Teams” with Guerrilla Skeptics, a group of Wikipedia editors.

“Thanks to the Tea Party and their woo filled allies, the world is on the verge of a new dark age!”  Read a statement from CSICOP.  “If this dark age happens, our response will be to light candles in the darkness by any means necessary!”

CSICOP, according to sources within the Department of Homeland Security, split from the Center for Skeptical Inquiry in 2006.  The group is known among paranormal investigators for stealing Bigfoot corpses and replacing them with stuffed costumes.  They have also been accused of intimidating UFO witnesses, placing magnets in the woods to confuse ghost hunters, and contaminating Bigfoot DNA samples.  

In their recent press release, CSICOP believes that a US debt default could cause the end of Western Civilization, and the start of a new medieval age.  The goal of their “Candle Tactical Teams” is to protect the Internet from the “coming chaos.”  According to their plan, CSICOP squads would “secure” the infrastructure of the Internet.  The Guerrilla Skeptics would then take over administration of the surviving Internet.  Once they controlled the internet, both groups would then work together to “promote the virtues of science, and the value of critical thinking” in their local communities.  Their ultimate goal would be to create a new secular society that will become a “Candle in the Dark” in the “new dark age.”

CSICOP also issued a warning to any militias that would try to oppose them.

“If the Tea Party tries to attack us with their gun-toting barbarians, we will return fire!  Not only will we fight back, but we will defeat you with our superior tactics and superior weapons.  Our knowledge will advance, while you will be held back by a bronze age deity!  Your followers will abandon your foolish ways for the light of Paul Kurtz’s wisdom!”

Paul Fidalgo, Communications Director for CSI’s parent group, Center for Inquiry, denounced CSICOP over the phone.  

“We are a peaceful 501(c)(3) charity!  We do not endorse violence or support violent organizations.  CSI is the true successor to CSICOP!  Only the name changed.  We have never heard of this other CSICOP, but if they really exist, its members should be arrested for being violent criminals and trademark thieves!”

Fidalgo then spoke away from the headset.  “See!  This is how you do crisis communications!  Your first goal should be not to make things worse!”

A spokesperson for Guerrilla Skeptics denied any involvement with CSICOP.

“Your claim a demonstrably false!  If you publish this crap about us, we will create a Wikipedia entry about your newspaper, and you will not like it!”

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar: Don’t let vampires stop Illiana construction!
Former Mayor Ed Rosenthal has kind word for Mayor Claar
Record number of aliens expected at Chicago Marathon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/16/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.


sgerbic said...

Damn, now they know are plan! Except that this looks like a Poe or a satire, so maybe just maybe we can still pull it off? Just smile and nod.

Anonymous said...

I'm scared. Now, where's my tinfoil hat?