Sunday, October 27, 2013

CFI’s feline fellows create buzz at summit meeting

Anti-psychic Kitty rests after a hard day at the CFI Summit.
The Center for Inquiry’s feline fellows created a sensation at the CFI Summit in Tacoma, WA.

“I’m normally a dog person,” said Ophelia Benson, columnist for Free Inquiry and blogger at Freethought Blogs.  “After listening to their presentation, I know that these are my kind of cats!”

The three feline fellows, Andy, Anti-psychic Kitty, and Cassie, were breed as part of a secret project within the skeptical community to create pets that emit anti-psychic energy.  Only Anti-psychic Kitty has that power.  All three have genus level intelligence and can communicate with humans either by walking on a keyboard, or through special translation collars.  CFI adopted the cats in December of 2012.  Anti-psychic Kitty is a fellow with the Center for Skeptical InquiryThe Babbler shares joint custody of Anti-psychic Kitty with CFI.  Andy and Cassie were promoted to CFI fellows this year.

In keeping with the summit’s theme of merging humanism and scientific skepticism, the cats gave a presentation to a very select audience.  Andy, a tabby, started off by leading a workshop on how to play with cats.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re a skeptic or a humanist!”  Said Andy.  “Everyone loves to play with cats.  It is an activity that can bring us all together.”

Anti-psychic Kitty, a gray cat, reminded the audience that both humanists and skeptics support rationalism.

“We can have different opinions, but they must be grounded in facts.  Your opinions mean nothing if you think global warming is a hoax, President Obama isn’t a US citizen, and a dog is your best friend.

Cassie, a calico, urged the audience to also use empathy and compassion to guide their moral decisions.  She then made the most controversial statement of the summit.

“It is foolish to say there is a rift between humanism and skepticism.  The modern skeptical movement was started by the American Humanist Association.  CSI is a branch of CFI, a humanist organization.  No, the only real rift is between humans who are humanists in name only, and humanists who are truly humane.”

This promoted a Fedora wearing  man to stand up and accuse the feline fellows of being “furry Freethougtht Blogs Bullies!”

CEO Ronald Lindsay shouted back, “You know the rules!  No talking, No tweeting, No phone calls, and no heckling during a presentation!”  Lindsay then ordered the man removed.

After an intense question and answer session, Lindsay concluded by saying, “Cassie, none our human presenters would have said that to my face.  Believe it or not, I’m glad you did, because you showed how CFI truly values free speech.”

After the presentation, the cats were the guests of honor at an exclusive fundraising dinner.  Though the cats were friendly during most of dinner, they did hiss at Skeptical Inquirer Deputy Editor Ben Radford.  Radford tried to sit at one of the two empty seats at their table.

“Those seats are reserved in honor of Karen Stolznow and Rebecca Watson!”  Hissed Cassie!  “Go away!”

Sources say Radford complained to the dinner organizers, but was not seated with the cats.

On Sunday morning, Andy and Cassie were spotted in the hotel hallways.

“I was locking my room when I heard a scratching noise.”  Said John Z. Emerson, an attendee of the summit.  “I looked down and I saw something furry climbing on my fabric suitcase.  At first I thought it was a furry Chupacabra.  Then I realized it was a small cat.  Then I second, larger cat jumped up.  I was about to tell them to scat, but then they ran off.  About a second later, I saw Paul Fidalgo running down the hallway with two cat carriers.  I felt sorry for the guy.”

The feline fellows are expected to return to their Chicago home later this week.

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets launch cool weather attack against Chicago
Mayor Claar revives ‘luxury’ space elevator project
Bolingbrook resident treated for overinflated ego

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/1/13.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

PZ Myers tweets from Hell!

Psychic impression of PZ Myers in Hell.
he Babbler’s
top psychics confirm that famed atheist PZ Myers visited Hell this weekend and tweeted about it.

“Our merciful Lord has given PZ Myers a taste of the eternal damnation he faces unless he repents his skeptical ways.”  Said psychic Diane.

The psychics agree and the tweets confirm that Myers’ Hell is in an auitorium where he is forced to listen to lecture on alternative science, or what skeptics like to call, “Woo.”

“(A)lready woo-wooed out.” Myers wrote in his first post five minutes into stay in Hell.

Myers retaliated by tweeting rebuttals to his demonic lecturers. One such lecturer disguisged itself as Scott Wolter, host of the H2 program America Unearthed.

“Oh, god. Oreo Cookies contain secret Masonic symbols.” Tweeted Myers.  

This was later followed by two desperate tweets.  “Tying it altogether: Kensington Runestone was carved by Masonic Viking monks in collaboration with Indian Templars. For Oreos.”  He later added, “OMG. Kensington runestone, American Indians speaking Hebrew, the Masons, Pope, and Oreo cookies…and the cause is the zodiac.”

According to psychic Paul, “PZ has been desperately trying to summon his army of Minnesota Talking Land Squids to rescue him.  They can’t, because the lecture hall is surrounded by a moat of fire, and all the entrances are guarded by fire golems!  Even I feel tortured as his materialistic mind is destroyed by the power of Lucifer’s minions!”

As the weekend progressed, Myers’ tweets suggested that he was in fact losing his sanity.

“This guy is nucking futz.” Tweeted Myers, who also tweeted, “An ellipse has two foci. Planetary orbits are elliptical. Look! An elliptical courtyard in the Vatican! So freakin' what.”  

He later tweeted, “Uh-oh. A pyramid represents the womb of a woman when she's lying on her back? Really?”

The demons further tested his sanity with a lecturer disguised as L.A. Marzulli, author of the Nephilim Triology. 

“The soulless Nephilim fled the Jewish conquerors on boats to South America. Inca=Nephilim/alien/angels/demons.”  Tweeted Myers, followed by, “Two points can be connected by a line? That requires advanced math and aerial photography!”

Near the end of the visit, Myers, tweeted, “Now it's alien abductees. Implants. I cn't take much more of this.”

The Babbler’s psychics agreed that God will return Myers to his home this evening.  While the psychics hope that Myers will repent and accept Jesus Christ as his savior, most doubt that he will.

“When Satan gives you fame and Internet page views, it is very hard to turn away from his darkness.”  Said Psychic Diane.  “The Lord can work miracles, however.  So it is possible PZ could end up in Heaven.”

When reached on his cell phone, Myers, after demanding to know how this reporter got his cell phone number, said, “I’m not literally in Hell.  I’m at Paradigm Symposium 2013 in St. Paul.  That’s as close to Hell as I’m ever going to get!”

Also in The Babbler:

Vampires voice support for Illiana Expressway
Bolingbrook forced to cancel Internet toll tax
Bonnie Alicea elected mayor of Florida's ‘Little Bolingbrook’ neighborhood
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/26/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

CSICOP teams up with Guerrilla Skeptics to form ‘Candle Tactical Teams’

CSICOP, a paramilitary skeptical group, announced they were forming “Candle Tactical Teams” with Guerrilla Skeptics, a group of Wikipedia editors.

“Thanks to the Tea Party and their woo filled allies, the world is on the verge of a new dark age!”  Read a statement from CSICOP.  “If this dark age happens, our response will be to light candles in the darkness by any means necessary!”

CSICOP, according to sources within the Department of Homeland Security, split from the Center for Skeptical Inquiry in 2006.  The group is known among paranormal investigators for stealing Bigfoot corpses and replacing them with stuffed costumes.  They have also been accused of intimidating UFO witnesses, placing magnets in the woods to confuse ghost hunters, and contaminating Bigfoot DNA samples.  

In their recent press release, CSICOP believes that a US debt default could cause the end of Western Civilization, and the start of a new medieval age.  The goal of their “Candle Tactical Teams” is to protect the Internet from the “coming chaos.”  According to their plan, CSICOP squads would “secure” the infrastructure of the Internet.  The Guerrilla Skeptics would then take over administration of the surviving Internet.  Once they controlled the internet, both groups would then work together to “promote the virtues of science, and the value of critical thinking” in their local communities.  Their ultimate goal would be to create a new secular society that will become a “Candle in the Dark” in the “new dark age.”

CSICOP also issued a warning to any militias that would try to oppose them.

“If the Tea Party tries to attack us with their gun-toting barbarians, we will return fire!  Not only will we fight back, but we will defeat you with our superior tactics and superior weapons.  Our knowledge will advance, while you will be held back by a bronze age deity!  Your followers will abandon your foolish ways for the light of Paul Kurtz’s wisdom!”

Paul Fidalgo, Communications Director for CSI’s parent group, Center for Inquiry, denounced CSICOP over the phone.  

“We are a peaceful 501(c)(3) charity!  We do not endorse violence or support violent organizations.  CSI is the true successor to CSICOP!  Only the name changed.  We have never heard of this other CSICOP, but if they really exist, its members should be arrested for being violent criminals and trademark thieves!”

Fidalgo then spoke away from the headset.  “See!  This is how you do crisis communications!  Your first goal should be not to make things worse!”

A spokesperson for Guerrilla Skeptics denied any involvement with CSICOP.

“Your claim a demonstrably false!  If you publish this crap about us, we will create a Wikipedia entry about your newspaper, and you will not like it!”

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar: Don’t let vampires stop Illiana construction!
Former Mayor Ed Rosenthal has kind word for Mayor Claar
Record number of aliens expected at Chicago Marathon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/16/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Special Report: Chicagoland prepares for US Government meltdown

File photo

Despite reassurances from economics experts, Chicagoland officials are secretly planning for a possible US Government meltdown if the federal debt ceiling isn’t raised.  The following are special reports from our reporters.

Chicago City Council to lift ban on alchemy

Sources within city hall say they will lift the local ban on practicing alchemy if it appears the US government will go into default.

“If we can create just right amount of gold, not only would keep the city solvent, but we might be able to pay off our pension fund debt!”  Said a source close to city hall.  “Just between you and me, (Mayor) Rahm Emanuel is secretly pulling for a default.”

The alchemy ban was secretly enacted in 1872 when the Unnatural Events Commission’s report on the Chicago fire suggested that Mrs O’Leary was practicing alchemy when she accidentally started the fire.  The punishment is 30 years in prison.

Today, paranormal experts believe the fire was caused by Native American ghosts.

Sources say if the vote goes according to plan, the ban will be lifted by October 10, one week before the government is expected to go into default.  If the US debt ceiling is raised before October 10, the ban will remain in place.

When asked to comment, Emanuel replied, “We’d rather put our faith in the (expletive deleted) Canadian dollar than in alchemy!”

Northern Will County Water Agency prepares to build moat

The Northern Will County Water Agency is secretly requesting bids to build a moat to surround Bolingbrook, Homer Glen, Lemont, Romeoville, and Woodridge.

“We prefer to think of it as building the world’s largest artificial pond.”  Said a source close to the project.  “If your definition of moat is a body of water with a series of drawbridges that could be used to protect buildings or communities, then yes, in a very technical sense, you could say that the agency is building what could commonly be considered a moat.”

The agency started soliciting bids on October 1.  The request calls for construction to start on October 5 and be completed Before October 10.  In addition to digging the moat to surround the boarders of all the villages, they would also have to build drawbridges over the moat.  Bolingbrook would have the most bridges, ten, while Romeoville would only have two.

Another source defends the project.  “In the unlikely event that the rest of the country reverts to anarchy, we want to make sure there is an island of stability in the suburbs!  Who knows?  Maybe we’ll be the ones to rebuild American civilization.”

The plan also calls for “armed forces” to seize Illinois American Water’s pipeline to gain access to Lake Michigan water.  Water from the Pipeline would be used to fill the moat.  The seizure would happen one day before an expected “National Government Termination Day.”

“What is American Water going to do to us?”  Asked the first source.  “Sue us? Have the army protect the pipeline?  I don’t think so!”

None of the mayors would comment for this story, but a spokesperson for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar doubted that the US Government would go into default.

“It’s more likely that President Obama would evoke the 14 Amendment and lift the debt ceiling himself.  Sure Congress would sue him, but that would take months to resolve.  I think we’ll be OK.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “John, I’m not going to let you destroy my campaign fund over Obamacare!  Pay your damn obligations, get your members in line, then work on purging all Democrats from the House in 2014!  What kind of leader can’t control his own party?”

UFO war fleets in orbit over Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

Clow officials confirmed that ten alien battle fleets are in geosynchronous orbit over Bolingbrook to assist any evacuation efforts.

“We are working with the fleet leaders to ensure that there are no misunderstandings.”  Said Clow spokesperson Connie R. Parker.  “We expect Clow to remain open should the United States Government enter a terminal condition.  If any visitors wish to leave, we will let them.”

GalsKlos of the Magellanic Confederation did not share Parker’s optimism.  

“Clow will be overrun with panicked suburbanites if your National Government fails.  Our job is to keep the air and ground space clear for our crafts to leave.  We will not be taking any humans with us!”

Two of the fleets, however, plan to help evacuate leaders of Earth’s skeptical movement if asked to.  

Explained Donna Goddard, Center for Inquiry’s representative at Clow UFO Base, “we’ll post a coded message on our web page.  Those who understand the code will report to their designated evacuation areas.  This is why we have worked with our alien visitors for thirty-seven years!  So they would help us in moments like this!”

Goddard also vowed that once evacuated, the skeptics would eventually return to rebuild a “science based civilization.”

Paula Z. Marks, Clow ambassador from the Skepchick Network, said Clow would be an evacuation point for their bloggers based in Chicago.

“Rebecca Watson’s astroid doesn’t have enough room for all of our supporters.”  Said Marks.  “If the Skepchicks have to evacuate the Earth, we will work with our Interstellar allies to provide humanitarian aide to our supporters!  If you want our help, now would be a very good time to renounce misogyny!”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler apologies for calling for capital punishment against Tom Green
Northwestern football loss blamed on ghosts
Soviets Union: American Marxists ‘seriously unprepared’ for armed revolution
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/10/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.