Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Web Exclusive: Atheist ‘crusaders’ detained at O’Hare


Homeland Security detained ten so-called “atheist crusaders” from England over “extreme security concerns.”

According to sources within the department, the ten men entered the United States together.  All of them were wearing T-shirts with a photo of UK comedian Pat Condell on the front.  

“They wouldn’t stop ranting.”  Said Paula Kingsman of London, who was a passenger on the flight.  “Even when the flight attendant asked what they wanted to drink, they couldn’t give an answer shorter than 10 minutes!”

The alleged atheists were in O’Hare Terminal 1 for a 5 hour layover.  Eyewitnesses say the two men split into two teams to “spread the truth” to the airport’s patrons.

One passenger, who asked that we not use his name, said one of the teams stopped by his gate while he was waiting for his flight back to Manchester, UK.  According to the passenger, the men started screaming about an ‘Islamic invasion of the British Isles’ and “strongly encouraged” any Muslims with tickets should “go back to the Middle East and don’t dirty Europe with your Middle Age thinking!”

Said the passenger, “I politely told them I was born in England, and I had every right to go home.  This young man spent 15 minutes accusing me of being part of an Islamic sleeper cell.  I explained that wasn’t Islamic.  He replied that all religion was evil and spread violence, and he would be glad when the UK was white and atheistic.  I told him that I believed in Jainism and I couldn’t hurt him, even if I felt like it.  He went on another rant, and I just ignored him and tried to think of his good qualities.”

The second team confronted an Islamic member of the United States Marines who was waiting for his flight back to base.

Said the soldier, “I wanted to tell them that Al Qaeda has targeted all Muslims who live in the United States, and I joined the military to wage personal jihad against them.  Those men just won’t shut up!  As far as I’m concerned, those men will end up in the same level of Hell as Al Qaeda!”

After numerous complaints, the alleged atheists were questioned by Chicago Police.  During the questioning, one of them said they were going to conduct an “atheist jihad” in Minnesota.  Another man corrected him, spending the next 10 minutes shouting about the difference between a “jihad” and “crusade.”

Police detained the men, and brought in Homeland officials to question the men.

The men, according to eyewitnesses, proudly proclaimed that they were going to start a crusade against University of Minnesota Morris professor PZ Myers.  Even after “enhanced questioning,” they refused to detail how they would conduct their “crusade.”

Commented an anonymous source within Homeland Security, “I couldn’t tell if they were dangerous, but I knew they were annoying.  Annoying Americans is legal grounds to deport someone back to the UK.  The UK has a reputation to uphold.  They want Americans to think anyone with a British accent is intelligent.  We’re happy to help them out.”

The men were sent on the next flight back to London, airport personnel confirm that the men continued to rant as the airplane door was closed.

When reached for comment on Skype, a man who looked like Condell accused Bolingbrook’s male Muslims of trying to kidnap young girls and marry them.  He would not listen when told that the case he was talking about involved a non-Muslim who is a US citizen.  

A called placed to Myer’s phone was answered by his receptionist, who said she was not aware of any “additional threats” to him.

“Sure it’s a bit scary to see people on the Internet calling for PZ’s death or firing.  But it does keep us on our toes.  Morris would be so boring without PZ around.  What would campus security do all day?”

In the background, a man said, “You take printouts from Freethought Blogs and printouts from Skeptic Ink.  Cut them in half.  Put them in this jug.  Shake really well.  Dump the contents of the jug on the table, and then spread them out.  Mix them up real well.  Then you take two random halves and put them together.  The results will let you deconstruct the text and reveal the control systems behind atheism.”

A man who sounded like Myers replied, “This looks like an exercise in written pareidolia.  There’s no hidden meaning.  Just a jumble of random words.”

“That’s your narrative.  I prefer to follow the narrative of William S. Burroughs and Kathy Acker!  They used the cut up method to breakthrough the control systems behind language and create alternative narratives about reality.”

“I don’t know about this.  I just wanted a quick way of saying that I oppose scientism.”

“PZ!  You need to let go of your outdated Modernism narrative and embrace the alternative narratives found in Postmodernism.  There is no objective reality.  We can’t tell what happened in the past--”

“Yes, we can.”

“If that’s your narrative, I won’t stop you.  My way of knowing is different from your way of knowing!”

“Hmm.  Postmodernism needs fixing.  There is too much woo here.  If Jennifer McCreight can create Atheism+, then maybe I can create Postmodernism+.”


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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