Sunday, September 1, 2013

Vegan aliens threaten orbital bombardment of Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

The Morsha Collective threatened to bomb Bolingbrook unless it stops the “senseless slaughter and consumption of animals.”

“Bolingbrook is committing unspeakable crimes against sentient beings!”  Said Thinker Klaydock Morsha.  “Claar will listen to our reasonable request to ban the consumption of organisms with central nervous systems.  Therefore we must act!”

The Morsha Collective is an interstellar empire that espouses radical veganism.  Sources say the collective has conducted several orbital strikes against civilizations that support carnivores and herbivores, as well as civilizations that support the use of animal products.

According to the transmission, while most Earth cities support meat diets, Bolingbrook is  being targeted for its “gross promotion” of restaurants that serve meat, and for being the site of the world’s largest urban UFO base.

“Beings from around the Galaxy travel to Bolingbrook to eat living flesh!  Bolingbrook profits from this with their restaurant tax.  This madness must end!”

Sources close to the Morsha Collective say they are currently deciding how to strike Bolingbrook to degrade its residents ability to consume meat, and at the same time not be too disruptive so that The Watchdogs of Bolingbrook could overthrow Claar.

“We fear that if the Watchdogs took over, they’re ineffective governance would increase animal exploitation in Bolingbrook.”  Said a source.

Sources within the Department of Interstellar Affairs says they are confidence they can repel any attack from the Collective.

“Their technology isn’t that advanced.”  Said a source within the department.  Between Clow’s Orbital Defense System and the New World Order’s Space Defense Installations, any Collective attack force would be neutralized before it ever reached Earth’s lunar orbit.”

The source also confirmed that there were no new plans to evacuate Bolingbrook in case of an attack, which could take place between now and up to 10 years from now.

“The best way residents and visitors can support Bolingbrook in this crisis is to go shopping for your favorite meat, or visit your favorite Bolingbrook restaurant.”

The source also added that such and unprovoked attack against Bolingbrook would be in violation of interstellar law.  If attacked, Bolingbrook would seek sanctions against the Morsha Collective.

Residents are advised to report any possible Morsha covert activity to the Department of Interstellar affairs.  Only trained personnel should confront these suspected operatives.

Dena L. Stevenson, leader of The Bolingbrook Vegan Meetup group, said she did not support the proposed attack.

“I want Bolingbrook’s residents to freely choose to eat healthy food that helps the environment.  Threatening people with bombs is not the way to promote veganism, or any other course of action.”

When called for a comment, Mayor Roger Claar answered the phone and said, “What rhymes with ‘hug me?’  Don’t you dare bug me!  I’ve waited all summer to be able to say that.”

Also in The Babbler:

Clow alien guest workers demand Labor Day off
Soviets threaten to create hurricane over Bolingbrook
Psychic: Skeptics to start shooting each other in 2015
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/6/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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