Sunday, September 15, 2013

Sources: Rabbi channels the spirits of lesser known Jewish figures

Did Job's wife speak during a
 Chicagoland service?

Sources say that the spirits of lesser known historic jews addressed a North suburban synagogue during the High Holidays through their rabbi.

“My rabbi took the High Holidays to the next level!”  Said Adam, who asked that we not use his last name.  “He got great people from the Torah, like Job's wife, to address us.  I didn't know much about her, but now I know she's awesome! On top of the great music and readings, I was inspired!  No other congregation will ever be able to top this!”

According to the sources, who refused to name the synagogue, near the end of each of the services, the rabbi would channel the spirit of a lesser known Biblical or jewish cultural figure and start addressing the audience, telling their side of events.

“It was weird.”  Said Miriam, who asked not to be identified.  “I closed my eyes for a bit, and had an image of a snake in my head.  When I opened my eyes, our rabbi was speaking as the snake in the Garden of Eden!  Not only that, the snake really isn’t a bad guy.  We’re smarter thanks to the snake!  If the snake can hear me, thank you!  Christians have given you a bad rap for too long!”

Chana, who’s parents refused to let us use her last name, claimed that she saw one of spirits shortly before the evening Yom Kippur ceremony.

“When we were going inside, I thought I heard something move in the bushes.  I told my mom, but she said I should be serious, because we were supposed to atone for everything we did wrong the previous year.  Whatever.  Anyway, during the ceremony, the rabbi started talking as the goat from “Had Gadya.”  I was excited!  I must have heard the ghost of the goat outside, and now the ghost was in our rabbi.  The goat may have died, but its spirit lives on!  That’s when I realized that Israel may come and go, but its spirit will always live on!  I wanted to tell my dad, but I know he’d tell me to be quiet.  Still, realizing this psyched me out, and helped deliver an awesome reading in front of the congregation!  Even the rabbi was impressed with me!”

Though The Babbler could not confirm the location of the synagogue or the identify of the Rabbi, it find that Kol Hadash’s theme for the High Holidays involved giving certain characters and minor historic figures their own voice.

A board member, who asked not to be identified, denied that their rabbi was channeling any spirits.

“Our rabbi was imagining popular stories from the prospective of another character.  Just like John Gardner’s Grendel re-imagined Beowulf.  He wasn’t channeling any spirits, and he made it clear that it was just his speculation.  Still it was entertaining, and made us think.  That’s what I like about humanistic Judaism.  It makes you think.  Oh, maybe you can help me.  I’m not familiar with sports.  I’m too busy thinking about deeper issues.  Is football the game where you have to run around a diamond, or is that golf?  Apparently I got it wrong during the announcements yesterday.”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptic tries to educate 26,000 fake twitter accounts
Colorado refugees flee to Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook says its ready for a hypercane
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/18/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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