Sunday, September 8, 2013

Naperville to employ real life “block bots”

Enhanced image from Honda 
showing a Naperville Block Bot

The next big thing in Naperville could be a robot that covers up their users ears whenever someone says something negative about the suburb.

“We’re Naperville!”  Said an anonymous Naperville official.  “We have a reputation to uphold.  Listening to people bad mouth our fine city is not part of that reputation.”

Sources close to the city hall every resident will be issued a six foot tall “block bot.”  Though the official story will be that they will protect residents from “physically harmful visitors,” its real purpose is to help residents ignore those who “defame” Naperville.

Inspired by the Atheism+ Block Bot on Twitter, Each robot will have several levels of blocking.  They range from level 1, which will only ignore people who want Naperville wiped off the face of the Earth, to level 20, which will ignore the previous levels, plus people who believe that Naperville is less than perfect.  Residents are free to customize their block lists, and nominate people they feel should be added to the block lists.  The bot will also not interfere if a resident has a friendship with someone on the list.

The bots are currently being tested, but officials say that the bots have received positive reviews.

Carl Z. Brinkley says his bot helps him when he does missionary work at Chicago’s colleges.

“Every time I try to spread the good word, gangs of radical maoists would surround me and tell me how Naperville should be burned to the ground and all the women, well, you know.  It was really distracting to me, not to mention upsetting.  It got to the point where I couldn’t bring my family along to watch me work.  Now with the Naperville Block Bot, I can preach the good word without being harassed.  Once I get bots for my family members, they can accompany me on missions without being harassed by these thugs.”

Brinkley added the he only uses the level one setting on his robot.

“If someone wants to have a sincere, respectful talk about why Naperville is less than perfect, I’m willing to listen.  I just don’t have time for bullies.”

Paul Davis Henrickson says using the highest setting helps him get through the day.

“I got so tired of hearing my employees complain about being unable to afford a home in  Naperville.  With my bot, I can concentrate on cutting their hours without listening to their whining.  Naperville only accepts the best, and, I’m sorry, my employees are not the best.”

Hank X. Paxson, leader of One Chicagoland, denounced the Naperville Block Bot as a tool to promote division within Chicagoland.

“We are one Chicagoland!  If anyone disagrees with that, I think they should humiliated, disagreed with and anything else that will force them to be silent!  Naperville residents are the worst a promoting division, and I honestly think they should all be (description of a violent crime deleted)!  These robots are a violation of my right to speak to all Naperville residents whether they want to hear me or not!”

Akema Y. Elba, who claims to be a spokesperson for the Atheism+ Block Bot, says their software is only intended for Atheism+ supporters on Twitter.

“Twitter already has a block function.  All we’re doing is sharing a list of accounts that hostile towards A+ members.  It is no different than checking out a movie review and deciding not to see it.  That isn’t censorship.  That’s decision making.  Just like you don’t have time to check out every movie, you don’t have time to checkout every Twitter user.  Our bot is a tool to help A+ members avoid bad users.”

Elba defended the need for a blocking software for the Atheism+ community.  

“For some reason, the mere mention of A+ is enough to turn some normally intelligent atheists into rabid bullies!  They’ll even attack people they think are involved in A+ but aren’t.  It’s like a modern day red scare.  We’re not forcing anyone to use the Block Bot.  If you use the software, you don’t have to block everyone on it, and you can always unblock people if you think we made a mistake.  We don’t even market it to the general public.  Oolon was interviewed by the BBC only to tell the world that Twitter could use something like the block bot to control bulling.”

Elba contrasted it with the Web of Trust browser plugin.

“Web of Trust is marketed to the general web public, and it is designed to warn people about bad web sites.  Skeptics use it to downgrade web sites they don’t like.  If a site gets a low enough rating, anyone with the plugin will get a see a warning pop up and have the option to leave the site.  Don’t you think most people are going to leave the site without checking it out themselves?  So why is it OK to discourage the general public from visiting a web site, but it is not OK to let people choose who they want to interact with on Twitter base on their friends recommendations?”

The Naperville Block Bots are expected to issued to residents before the Christmas shopping season.

Also in The Babbler:

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Psychics predict winning season for the Bears
Ghost of Shakespeare: I did write my plays!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/12/13


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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