Sunday, September 29, 2013

New World Order to 'protect' Bolingbrook in case of US government 'meltdown'

Clow UFO Base NWO Liaison Jeff Wagg address the galaxy.

By Reporter X

The New World Order assured the interstellar press corp that they would protect Bolingbrook following a possible government shutdown and debt default.

“Clow UFO Base is a valued asset to humanity.”  Said NWO Liaison Jeff Wagg.  “Governments come and go, but UFO bases are precious.  Even if the world falls into chaos in October, The New World Order will honor all interstellar treaty obligations.”

Unless Congress and the President can agree on a continuing resolution by September 30, the US government will shutdown on October 1.  While Social Security, and Medicare would continue to be funded, members of the military could see their paycheck delayed, and possibly one-third of federal employees furloughed.  National Parks could be closed, and The Centers for Disease Control, would only operate in case of an outbreak.  NASA would shutdown, except for a few hundred employees.

If the debt ceiling isn’t raised by October 17, the government would be legally required to spend money without the ability to borrow money to pay for the spending.  This could lead to slashed government services, higher interest rates, and global market chaos.

If the worst case were to happen, the NWO would “temporarily” take over Bolingbrook from the national government.  While Mayor Roger Claar’s role would be unchanged, he would be working with the NWO instead of Congress to secure funding.

“If Bolingbrook needs financing to keep its roads paved, we will provide it.”  Said NWO governor TX1.  “If Bolingbrook needs mercenaries to protect its citizens from the mobs of starving Chicago residents, we will provide them.  If Bolingbrook needs food, we will airlift it in.  If Bolingbrook needs a new currency, we will be happy to provide one!”

Wagg added that there are no plans to save the United States should it choose to default.

“Governments come and go, but we are forever.  We will be happy to work with whatever governments replace the United States.”

TX1 did offer that part of the United States could be given back to the United Kingdom as part of a deal to change the balance of power in the world.

An Illinois Congressional representative, who asked not to be identified, denied that a government shutdown would be a problem.

“The best job in the world just got better!  Now I won’t have to work the rest of the year, and I’ll still be paid.  Once the President backs down, we’ll change the law so that any attempt to remove me from office will be considered voter fraud!  If I get bored, I can always get a higher paying job in the private sector!  Oh, I’ll let you in on a secret.  I’m drunk and I’m on the House floor!  God has been very good to me!”

Also in The Babbler:

Record number of time travelers arrive in Chicago this week
NRA considers adding nuclear weapons to the Second Amendment
Babbler offers condolences to the Venguswamy family.
God to spare Bolingbrook this week 

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Web Exclusive: Atheist ‘crusaders’ detained at O’Hare

Homeland Security detained ten so-called “atheist crusaders” from England over “extreme security concerns.”

According to sources within the department, the ten men entered the United States together.  All of them were wearing T-shirts with a photo of UK comedian Pat Condell on the front.  

“They wouldn’t stop ranting.”  Said Paula Kingsman of London, who was a passenger on the flight.  “Even when the flight attendant asked what they wanted to drink, they couldn’t give an answer shorter than 10 minutes!”

The alleged atheists were in O’Hare Terminal 1 for a 5 hour layover.  Eyewitnesses say the two men split into two teams to “spread the truth” to the airport’s patrons.

One passenger, who asked that we not use his name, said one of the teams stopped by his gate while he was waiting for his flight back to Manchester, UK.  According to the passenger, the men started screaming about an ‘Islamic invasion of the British Isles’ and “strongly encouraged” any Muslims with tickets should “go back to the Middle East and don’t dirty Europe with your Middle Age thinking!”

Said the passenger, “I politely told them I was born in England, and I had every right to go home.  This young man spent 15 minutes accusing me of being part of an Islamic sleeper cell.  I explained that wasn’t Islamic.  He replied that all religion was evil and spread violence, and he would be glad when the UK was white and atheistic.  I told him that I believed in Jainism and I couldn’t hurt him, even if I felt like it.  He went on another rant, and I just ignored him and tried to think of his good qualities.”

The second team confronted an Islamic member of the United States Marines who was waiting for his flight back to base.

Said the soldier, “I wanted to tell them that Al Qaeda has targeted all Muslims who live in the United States, and I joined the military to wage personal jihad against them.  Those men just won’t shut up!  As far as I’m concerned, those men will end up in the same level of Hell as Al Qaeda!”

After numerous complaints, the alleged atheists were questioned by Chicago Police.  During the questioning, one of them said they were going to conduct an “atheist jihad” in Minnesota.  Another man corrected him, spending the next 10 minutes shouting about the difference between a “jihad” and “crusade.”

Police detained the men, and brought in Homeland officials to question the men.

The men, according to eyewitnesses, proudly proclaimed that they were going to start a crusade against University of Minnesota Morris professor PZ Myers.  Even after “enhanced questioning,” they refused to detail how they would conduct their “crusade.”

Commented an anonymous source within Homeland Security, “I couldn’t tell if they were dangerous, but I knew they were annoying.  Annoying Americans is legal grounds to deport someone back to the UK.  The UK has a reputation to uphold.  They want Americans to think anyone with a British accent is intelligent.  We’re happy to help them out.”

The men were sent on the next flight back to London, airport personnel confirm that the men continued to rant as the airplane door was closed.

When reached for comment on Skype, a man who looked like Condell accused Bolingbrook’s male Muslims of trying to kidnap young girls and marry them.  He would not listen when told that the case he was talking about involved a non-Muslim who is a US citizen.  

A called placed to Myer’s phone was answered by his receptionist, who said she was not aware of any “additional threats” to him.

“Sure it’s a bit scary to see people on the Internet calling for PZ’s death or firing.  But it does keep us on our toes.  Morris would be so boring without PZ around.  What would campus security do all day?”

In the background, a man said, “You take printouts from Freethought Blogs and printouts from Skeptic Ink.  Cut them in half.  Put them in this jug.  Shake really well.  Dump the contents of the jug on the table, and then spread them out.  Mix them up real well.  Then you take two random halves and put them together.  The results will let you deconstruct the text and reveal the control systems behind atheism.”

A man who sounded like Myers replied, “This looks like an exercise in written pareidolia.  There’s no hidden meaning.  Just a jumble of random words.”

“That’s your narrative.  I prefer to follow the narrative of William S. Burroughs and Kathy Acker!  They used the cut up method to breakthrough the control systems behind language and create alternative narratives about reality.”

“I don’t know about this.  I just wanted a quick way of saying that I oppose scientism.”

“PZ!  You need to let go of your outdated Modernism narrative and embrace the alternative narratives found in Postmodernism.  There is no objective reality.  We can’t tell what happened in the past--”

“Yes, we can.”

“If that’s your narrative, I won’t stop you.  My way of knowing is different from your way of knowing!”

“Hmm.  Postmodernism needs fixing.  There is too much woo here.  If Jennifer McCreight can create Atheism+, then maybe I can create Postmodernism+.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Exclusive: Chicago proposes building the world's largest UFO Base

By Reporter X

Sources say Chicago will ask the New World Order for permission to build the world’s largest UFO base.

“Why do you think we sold the parking meters for such a ridiculous price?”  Asked one source.  “Our politicians aren’t corrupt to the point of stupidity.  They needed to quickly raise money to start work on a UFO base!”

According to the sources, the proposed base, to be named Richard M. Daley UFO Base, would replace most of the West and South Sides of Chicago.  The base would be concealed through the “revolutionary use” of holographs, and the “unprecedented” cooperation of Chicago’s media.  Some sources believe Chicago’s gangs would assist in keeping people away from the base.

Dan, who asked that we not use his last name, claims to be closely involved in the planning of the proposed base.

“Chicago is a world class city, and that makes us uniquely qualified to build the word’s best UFO.  Because if you want to show the universe the best of planet Earth, you show them Chicago!”

According to Dan, the plan calls for “encouraging” most South and West Side residents to move to the suburbs.

“Why do you think we shut down all those schools?”  Asked Dan.  “Because they weren’t full enough?  No!  We were trying to give those residents the hint that maybe they should move to another city.”

Jason K. Larson, a gun rights activist and “Chicago Truther” also believes that Chicago is trying to relocate residents to the suburbs.

“Every South Side resident has a gun, but we’re supposed to believe Chicago has the highest number of murders?  That’s just not possible!  This is a conspiracy to keep people out of certain neighborhoods!  A UFO base would be the best reason to do that.”

Documents obtained by The Babbler seem to confirm that the city will make a proposal to the New World Order.  According to the documents, Chicago recently created the “Chicago Interstellar Commission.”  William J. Daley, former candidate for governor and former White House Chief of Staff, is the new head of the commission.

In an e-mail, Daley allegedly wrote, “I am very fortunate that this opportunity came along.  Otherwise I would have been elected to the thankless and hopeless job of being Governor of Illinois.  As head of the commission, I will do my best to spread the good influence of my family throughout the galaxy!”

The current draft of the proposal calls for city to build and finance construction of the UFO Base.  Once completed, the commission would become a covert corporation and control all revenue from the base, while the city would partner with local gangs to secure the base.  The city, in return, would receive annual rent.  The small print, however, reveals that the corporation can choose not to pay rent without penalty.

Don says this is fair because Chicago could get an economic boost from the UFO base, and that could mean higher tax revenues.

“This is the best example of cooperation between the public and private sectors!”

Critics, like Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, who also administers Clow UFO Base, call Chicago’s proposed base “wasteful and dangerous.”

“Clow is about the maximum size for an urban UFO base.”  Wrote Claar to the New World Order.  “Any larger, and we would risk expose the existence of aliens to the general public.  Daley UFO base is irresponsibly oversized!  The world would know the truth about UFOs within a week of operation.  The only reason this is being proposed is because Rham Emanuel is jealous of my UFO base!”

Don counters that the project has one very major supporter.

Louis Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam look forward to greeting visitors!  Who knows?  Maybe Minister Farrakhan will take a long trip with one of them.” 

Also in The Babbler:

Jay Cutler offends visiting alien Bears fans
Aliens fined for littering the stratosphere
Follower claims to have seen a vision of Bonnie over Village Hall
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/25/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Sources: Rabbi channels the spirits of lesser known Jewish figures

Did Job's wife speak during a
 Chicagoland service?

Sources say that the spirits of lesser known historic jews addressed a North suburban synagogue during the High Holidays through their rabbi.

“My rabbi took the High Holidays to the next level!”  Said Adam, who asked that we not use his last name.  “He got great people from the Torah, like Job's wife, to address us.  I didn't know much about her, but now I know she's awesome! On top of the great music and readings, I was inspired!  No other congregation will ever be able to top this!”

According to the sources, who refused to name the synagogue, near the end of each of the services, the rabbi would channel the spirit of a lesser known Biblical or jewish cultural figure and start addressing the audience, telling their side of events.

“It was weird.”  Said Miriam, who asked not to be identified.  “I closed my eyes for a bit, and had an image of a snake in my head.  When I opened my eyes, our rabbi was speaking as the snake in the Garden of Eden!  Not only that, the snake really isn’t a bad guy.  We’re smarter thanks to the snake!  If the snake can hear me, thank you!  Christians have given you a bad rap for too long!”

Chana, who’s parents refused to let us use her last name, claimed that she saw one of spirits shortly before the evening Yom Kippur ceremony.

“When we were going inside, I thought I heard something move in the bushes.  I told my mom, but she said I should be serious, because we were supposed to atone for everything we did wrong the previous year.  Whatever.  Anyway, during the ceremony, the rabbi started talking as the goat from “Had Gadya.”  I was excited!  I must have heard the ghost of the goat outside, and now the ghost was in our rabbi.  The goat may have died, but its spirit lives on!  That’s when I realized that Israel may come and go, but its spirit will always live on!  I wanted to tell my dad, but I know he’d tell me to be quiet.  Still, realizing this psyched me out, and helped deliver an awesome reading in front of the congregation!  Even the rabbi was impressed with me!”

Though The Babbler could not confirm the location of the synagogue or the identify of the Rabbi, it find that Kol Hadash’s theme for the High Holidays involved giving certain characters and minor historic figures their own voice.

A board member, who asked not to be identified, denied that their rabbi was channeling any spirits.

“Our rabbi was imagining popular stories from the prospective of another character.  Just like John Gardner’s Grendel re-imagined Beowulf.  He wasn’t channeling any spirits, and he made it clear that it was just his speculation.  Still it was entertaining, and made us think.  That’s what I like about humanistic Judaism.  It makes you think.  Oh, maybe you can help me.  I’m not familiar with sports.  I’m too busy thinking about deeper issues.  Is football the game where you have to run around a diamond, or is that golf?  Apparently I got it wrong during the announcements yesterday.”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptic tries to educate 26,000 fake twitter accounts
Colorado refugees flee to Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook says its ready for a hypercane
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/18/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Naperville to employ real life “block bots”

Enhanced image from Honda 
showing a Naperville Block Bot

The next big thing in Naperville could be a robot that covers up their users ears whenever someone says something negative about the suburb.

“We’re Naperville!”  Said an anonymous Naperville official.  “We have a reputation to uphold.  Listening to people bad mouth our fine city is not part of that reputation.”

Sources close to the city hall every resident will be issued a six foot tall “block bot.”  Though the official story will be that they will protect residents from “physically harmful visitors,” its real purpose is to help residents ignore those who “defame” Naperville.

Inspired by the Atheism+ Block Bot on Twitter, Each robot will have several levels of blocking.  They range from level 1, which will only ignore people who want Naperville wiped off the face of the Earth, to level 20, which will ignore the previous levels, plus people who believe that Naperville is less than perfect.  Residents are free to customize their block lists, and nominate people they feel should be added to the block lists.  The bot will also not interfere if a resident has a friendship with someone on the list.

The bots are currently being tested, but officials say that the bots have received positive reviews.

Carl Z. Brinkley says his bot helps him when he does missionary work at Chicago’s colleges.

“Every time I try to spread the good word, gangs of radical maoists would surround me and tell me how Naperville should be burned to the ground and all the women, well, you know.  It was really distracting to me, not to mention upsetting.  It got to the point where I couldn’t bring my family along to watch me work.  Now with the Naperville Block Bot, I can preach the good word without being harassed.  Once I get bots for my family members, they can accompany me on missions without being harassed by these thugs.”

Brinkley added the he only uses the level one setting on his robot.

“If someone wants to have a sincere, respectful talk about why Naperville is less than perfect, I’m willing to listen.  I just don’t have time for bullies.”

Paul Davis Henrickson says using the highest setting helps him get through the day.

“I got so tired of hearing my employees complain about being unable to afford a home in  Naperville.  With my bot, I can concentrate on cutting their hours without listening to their whining.  Naperville only accepts the best, and, I’m sorry, my employees are not the best.”

Hank X. Paxson, leader of One Chicagoland, denounced the Naperville Block Bot as a tool to promote division within Chicagoland.

“We are one Chicagoland!  If anyone disagrees with that, I think they should humiliated, disagreed with and anything else that will force them to be silent!  Naperville residents are the worst a promoting division, and I honestly think they should all be (description of a violent crime deleted)!  These robots are a violation of my right to speak to all Naperville residents whether they want to hear me or not!”

Akema Y. Elba, who claims to be a spokesperson for the Atheism+ Block Bot, says their software is only intended for Atheism+ supporters on Twitter.

“Twitter already has a block function.  All we’re doing is sharing a list of accounts that hostile towards A+ members.  It is no different than checking out a movie review and deciding not to see it.  That isn’t censorship.  That’s decision making.  Just like you don’t have time to check out every movie, you don’t have time to checkout every Twitter user.  Our bot is a tool to help A+ members avoid bad users.”

Elba defended the need for a blocking software for the Atheism+ community.  

“For some reason, the mere mention of A+ is enough to turn some normally intelligent atheists into rabid bullies!  They’ll even attack people they think are involved in A+ but aren’t.  It’s like a modern day red scare.  We’re not forcing anyone to use the Block Bot.  If you use the software, you don’t have to block everyone on it, and you can always unblock people if you think we made a mistake.  We don’t even market it to the general public.  Oolon was interviewed by the BBC only to tell the world that Twitter could use something like the block bot to control bulling.”

Elba contrasted it with the Web of Trust browser plugin.

“Web of Trust is marketed to the general web public, and it is designed to warn people about bad web sites.  Skeptics use it to downgrade web sites they don’t like.  If a site gets a low enough rating, anyone with the plugin will get a see a warning pop up and have the option to leave the site.  Don’t you think most people are going to leave the site without checking it out themselves?  So why is it OK to discourage the general public from visiting a web site, but it is not OK to let people choose who they want to interact with on Twitter base on their friends recommendations?”

The Naperville Block Bots are expected to issued to residents before the Christmas shopping season.

Also in The Babbler:

UFOs fly over Pathways parade
Psychics predict winning season for the Bears
Ghost of Shakespeare: I did write my plays!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/12/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Vegan aliens threaten orbital bombardment of Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

The Morsha Collective threatened to bomb Bolingbrook unless it stops the “senseless slaughter and consumption of animals.”

“Bolingbrook is committing unspeakable crimes against sentient beings!”  Said Thinker Klaydock Morsha.  “Claar will listen to our reasonable request to ban the consumption of organisms with central nervous systems.  Therefore we must act!”

The Morsha Collective is an interstellar empire that espouses radical veganism.  Sources say the collective has conducted several orbital strikes against civilizations that support carnivores and herbivores, as well as civilizations that support the use of animal products.

According to the transmission, while most Earth cities support meat diets, Bolingbrook is  being targeted for its “gross promotion” of restaurants that serve meat, and for being the site of the world’s largest urban UFO base.

“Beings from around the Galaxy travel to Bolingbrook to eat living flesh!  Bolingbrook profits from this with their restaurant tax.  This madness must end!”

Sources close to the Morsha Collective say they are currently deciding how to strike Bolingbrook to degrade its residents ability to consume meat, and at the same time not be too disruptive so that The Watchdogs of Bolingbrook could overthrow Claar.

“We fear that if the Watchdogs took over, they’re ineffective governance would increase animal exploitation in Bolingbrook.”  Said a source.

Sources within the Department of Interstellar Affairs says they are confidence they can repel any attack from the Collective.

“Their technology isn’t that advanced.”  Said a source within the department.  Between Clow’s Orbital Defense System and the New World Order’s Space Defense Installations, any Collective attack force would be neutralized before it ever reached Earth’s lunar orbit.”

The source also confirmed that there were no new plans to evacuate Bolingbrook in case of an attack, which could take place between now and up to 10 years from now.

“The best way residents and visitors can support Bolingbrook in this crisis is to go shopping for your favorite meat, or visit your favorite Bolingbrook restaurant.”

The source also added that such and unprovoked attack against Bolingbrook would be in violation of interstellar law.  If attacked, Bolingbrook would seek sanctions against the Morsha Collective.

Residents are advised to report any possible Morsha covert activity to the Department of Interstellar affairs.  Only trained personnel should confront these suspected operatives.

Dena L. Stevenson, leader of The Bolingbrook Vegan Meetup group, said she did not support the proposed attack.

“I want Bolingbrook’s residents to freely choose to eat healthy food that helps the environment.  Threatening people with bombs is not the way to promote veganism, or any other course of action.”

When called for a comment, Mayor Roger Claar answered the phone and said, “What rhymes with ‘hug me?’  Don’t you dare bug me!  I’ve waited all summer to be able to say that.”

Also in The Babbler:

Clow alien guest workers demand Labor Day off
Soviets threaten to create hurricane over Bolingbrook
Psychic: Skeptics to start shooting each other in 2015
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/6/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.