Sunday, August 4, 2013

The Red Deer Reporter: Bikini-clad women protest corn sales


Note: From time to time we feature stories from our international sister papers.  Today we’re featuring an article from Canada’s The Red Deer Reporter.  

Five bikin-clad women picketed in the Safeway parking lot to stop the sale of corn in Red Deer.

“Monsanto and Safeway want us to think that corn is safe.”  Said Debbie, who refused to provide her last name.  “In fact, it is the oldest genetically modified food in the world!  Red Deer doesn’t deserve to be poisoned!  For over 7000 years, the one percent have been using corn to turn us into mindless slaves.  We say enough is enough!”

Debbie is the spokesperson for the Red Tree chapter of Babes Against Biotech.  The organization is dedicated to promoting awareness of the alleged dangers of genetically modified food by using photos of scantly clad women.

Said Claudia, who asked that we not use her last name, “Normally whenever there’s an environmental action in Red Deer, guys just drive by and heckle us.  With a simple change of clothes, they now stop their cars, and walk up to us.  They still say crude things to us, but at least it’s progress.”

Doug Z. Parkerson, a Red Deer resident, said he appreciated the protest.

“They got my attention and got me to take one of their flyers.  I don’t remember what they were saying though.  I just remember having this urge to buy some corn. Maybe the flyer will jog my memory after dinner.  If not, I can always ask them out on a date and they can explain it to me.”

Paula Q. Grace, the only protestor to give her last name, seemed unhappy with her attire.

“I know it gets attention, but why do we have to wear the skimpy outfits?  I have a college degree in English.  I wish I could spread the message by, I don’t know, managing a blog, or writing press releases telling the world there’s no such thing as organic corn.”

Resident Jamie X. Burdett, said she was disappointed in the protesters.

“It’s too easy to walk around on this unseasonable warm day in a bikini.  Women are capable of doing so much more to raise awareness.  Greenpeace had a team of women climb the tallest building in Western Europe.  Maybe they could climb the highest building in Red Deer next time. Or maybe buy a cornfield and burn it.”

The protest became heated when they started chanting, “Hey Hey!  Ho Ho!  Deadly Corn has got to go!” towards customer visibly carrying corn.

A RCMP patrol car eventually pulled into the parking lot.  An officer, who did not provide his name, said, “The manager says you’re too loud and on their property.  Could you like move to the sidewalk, and promise not to block pedestrian traffic?”

“That was so rude!”  Exclaimed Debbie after the protesters moved.  “This would never have happened over 20 years ago.  Harper is destroying our nation’s character!  If we don’t remove him, we’ll start acting like US residents!”

“I’ll bet he was called in by the one-percenters though their puppets in the skeptics movement.”  Added Claudia.

Beth Z. Wellington, a spokesperson for Red Deer Skeptics, denies they called the police on the protesters.  She also said that the protest was misguided.

“All crops have been modified since the beginning of agriculture.  GMO technology provides a more exact method to modify crops to get intended results.  Opponents of GMOs have caused real harm.  Even the founder of the movement admits he was wrong.”

Wellington add that even organic farming has its draw backs.  “Organic farming has a high carbon footprint, and there’s a risk of getting e-coli from organic food.”

Wellington urged all local environmental activists to embrace skepticism to better ground their arguments.  They’re also welcome to come to their Meetups to learn more about critical thinking.

“Come to the dark side.  We have beer!”  

Also in The Red Deer Reporter:

RCMP arrest alien for trying to make a tree circle
Oil sand monster terrorizes local oil companies
Bigfoot decides not to sue Red Deer
God to spare Red Deer on 7/8/13


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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