Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Special Report: Chicagoland’s first day of school

The Babbler sent teams of reporters around Chicagoland to cover the first day of school.  The following are their reports.

NSA spy planes patrol Chicago’s Safe Passage routes

While Chicago’s South side and West side students walked the new “safe passage” routes, The National Security Agency watched over them.

Sources with relatives connected to Chicago say the NSA reactivated their Aurora spy plane fleet to monitor the new school routes.

“When we closed all those schools, parents were worried about their children being forced to walk into gang territory.” Said a CPS administrator who asked not to be identified.  “Personally I think parents are going to worry that much, they should go to one of our charter schools.  Anyway, (Mayor Rahm Emanuel) pulled in some favors and now we’ve got top secret spy planes to protect the children of our ungrateful taxpayers.”

According to black ops military experts, the Aurora is a hypersonic spy plane capable of flying over Mach-5.  Started in 1985, the United States built 10 such craft.  The program was discontinued in 1996.

“It was a great plane.”  Said Roger, a secret advisor to the NSA, who asked not to be named.  “You just had to be very careful not to keep the afterburners on for too long.  One rookie pilot did that, and ended up blasting off into space.  I’m sure someday we’ll find it orbiting Venus.”

Sources agree that two Aurora planes covering Chicago only focused their spy cameras and microphones on the designated school paths.

According to alleged Aurora Pilot Dan, “School kids have the most boring conversations.  If we happen to hear about any gang activities or overhear adults talking about inappropriate activities, we’ll forward it to the Chicago police.”

The planes will fly over Chicago for one week, and will then be returned to NSA.

When asked to comment, Emanuel said, “All I have to do is make a phone call, and the NSA will spy on Bolingbrook more than they already do!”

CFI feline fellows visit godless UIC students

The Center for Inquiry’s three feline fellows counseled University of Illinois at Chicago’s godless students on their first day of class.

Freshman Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, spoke Andy about his concerns.

“I’ve never been so far away from home before.  What if no one likes me because I’m an atheist?”

Andy replied picking up a toy and dropping it in front of Doug.  When Doug tossed the ball, Andy chased it and returned it to Doug.

“It was great playing with Andy!”  Said Doug.  “I know I have at least one friend in Chicago.

Freshman Jane told Cassie, a calico cat, that she wanted to be involved in the secular movement, but was afraid that her feminist beliefs would create problems.  Cassie replied by walking on a keyboard several times.

“She gave the names of some friendly organizations, Loyola University Chicago Secular Student Alliance, Secular Student Alliance at Northwestern University, and University of Chicago Secular Student Alliance.  Whoever said cats weren’t helpful never met Cassie!”

Freshman Joe told Anti-psychic Kitty that he was afraid of life in the big city.  First, APK let Joe pet his belly.

“After I calmed down, APK told me to use all my senses when walking alone in Chicago.  Then he told me to mark my territory by peeing on objects.  I think I’ll stick with being alert.  I don’t want to get arrested.”

The counseling sessions were promoting the SSA’s new Secular Safe Zone program.  Modeled after similar programs aimed a LBGT students, SSZ seeks to create safe spaces, “in which secular students can question, criticize, and discuss topics and issues important to them.”

Said CFI Chicago publicist Janet Lexington, “After all the bad publicity we’ve received lately, it’s nice to talk about the positive work CFI does for the secular community.”

Jesus denied access to Bolingbrook High School

Some Bolingbrook High School students claim Jesus Christ was denied access to the campus.

“I saw this man with a really long beard approach the entrance,” Said Carl X. Buck, Sophomore.  “He said that he was Jesus Christ, and wanted to address the students right away.”

According to the witnesses, Christ was instead escorted off school grounds.  Christ, the witnesses say, told the guards he loved them, but was still going to send them to Hell.

“It was so shocking to watch.”  Said Sheri K. Milton, a Junior.  “I wanted to pray for forgiveness, but I had to stop because I didn’t want to be expelled!”

School Safety Coordinator Leroy Brown denied that Christ tried to enter Bolingbrook High School.

“It was just a person who is in between homes right now.  God willing, he will find a new home in Bolingbrook, and get his life back in order.a  Oh, you do know that Valley View started classes on August 16th, right?”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptical Civil War threatens to become violent
UFO transport Babbler Staff to Oklahoma
NSA informs Downers Grove wife about husband’s cheating
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/31/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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