Sunday, August 18, 2013

Manchester Mumbler: Authorities release the Beast of Trowbridge

This story is from our UK sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler.  This story has been edited into American English.

Wiltshire authorities released a big cat from captivity, two days after it was captured by three local residents.

“These two gentlemen and one lady wanted to use the Beast of Trowbridge to start a private zoo.”  Said Police spokesperson David Z. Burdett.  “They did so without a proper capture license, a proper zoo permit, nor did they submit an economic impact report.”

The beast, which was described as a rare British Panther, appeared to be in good health, despite the “appauling conditions” of its cage.  Burdett says the beast was kept in a small cage in a basement.  The captors intended to keep the beast there until the zoo was completed in 2016.

“Capturing the beast threatened our growing safari business, and put Wiltshire in danger of attack from animal rights terrorists.”  Said Burdett.  “This is why we have bureaucracy. It saves lives and jobs!”

A lawyer for the defendants denied they had the creature and said he would prove in court that this was a Muslim plot to destroy his clients.

 Sources within the department say the panther was released into a neighboring field, where it promptly kill a rabbit.

“The beast may be scary, but it helps keep the rabbits from overwhelming the island.  It has a role in our ecology!”

The sources also said that famed UK skeptic Hayley Stevens would assist in the coverup of the capture, and tell other skeptics not to believe in the beast.

“When skeptics say not to believe in something, that causes tourists to flock to the area to see for themselves.  Hayley’s skepticism will improve our tourism.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Stevens denied her involvement, and added that the latest picture of the creature is really a panther in the US state of Michigan.

The spokesperson then said, “Hayley!  What are you doing with those mirrors?”

A woman replied, “When hunting monsters, one must guard against becoming a monster.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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