Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Special Report: Chicagoland’s first day of school

The Babbler sent teams of reporters around Chicagoland to cover the first day of school.  The following are their reports.

NSA spy planes patrol Chicago’s Safe Passage routes

While Chicago’s South side and West side students walked the new “safe passage” routes, The National Security Agency watched over them.

Sources with relatives connected to Chicago say the NSA reactivated their Aurora spy plane fleet to monitor the new school routes.

“When we closed all those schools, parents were worried about their children being forced to walk into gang territory.” Said a CPS administrator who asked not to be identified.  “Personally I think parents are going to worry that much, they should go to one of our charter schools.  Anyway, (Mayor Rahm Emanuel) pulled in some favors and now we’ve got top secret spy planes to protect the children of our ungrateful taxpayers.”

According to black ops military experts, the Aurora is a hypersonic spy plane capable of flying over Mach-5.  Started in 1985, the United States built 10 such craft.  The program was discontinued in 1996.

“It was a great plane.”  Said Roger, a secret advisor to the NSA, who asked not to be named.  “You just had to be very careful not to keep the afterburners on for too long.  One rookie pilot did that, and ended up blasting off into space.  I’m sure someday we’ll find it orbiting Venus.”

Sources agree that two Aurora planes covering Chicago only focused their spy cameras and microphones on the designated school paths.

According to alleged Aurora Pilot Dan, “School kids have the most boring conversations.  If we happen to hear about any gang activities or overhear adults talking about inappropriate activities, we’ll forward it to the Chicago police.”

The planes will fly over Chicago for one week, and will then be returned to NSA.

When asked to comment, Emanuel said, “All I have to do is make a phone call, and the NSA will spy on Bolingbrook more than they already do!”

CFI feline fellows visit godless UIC students

The Center for Inquiry’s three feline fellows counseled University of Illinois at Chicago’s godless students on their first day of class.

Freshman Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, spoke Andy about his concerns.

“I’ve never been so far away from home before.  What if no one likes me because I’m an atheist?”

Andy replied picking up a toy and dropping it in front of Doug.  When Doug tossed the ball, Andy chased it and returned it to Doug.

“It was great playing with Andy!”  Said Doug.  “I know I have at least one friend in Chicago.

Freshman Jane told Cassie, a calico cat, that she wanted to be involved in the secular movement, but was afraid that her feminist beliefs would create problems.  Cassie replied by walking on a keyboard several times.

“She gave the names of some friendly organizations, Loyola University Chicago Secular Student Alliance, Secular Student Alliance at Northwestern University, and University of Chicago Secular Student Alliance.  Whoever said cats weren’t helpful never met Cassie!”

Freshman Joe told Anti-psychic Kitty that he was afraid of life in the big city.  First, APK let Joe pet his belly.

“After I calmed down, APK told me to use all my senses when walking alone in Chicago.  Then he told me to mark my territory by peeing on objects.  I think I’ll stick with being alert.  I don’t want to get arrested.”

The counseling sessions were promoting the SSA’s new Secular Safe Zone program.  Modeled after similar programs aimed a LBGT students, SSZ seeks to create safe spaces, “in which secular students can question, criticize, and discuss topics and issues important to them.”

Said CFI Chicago publicist Janet Lexington, “After all the bad publicity we’ve received lately, it’s nice to talk about the positive work CFI does for the secular community.”

Jesus denied access to Bolingbrook High School

Some Bolingbrook High School students claim Jesus Christ was denied access to the campus.

“I saw this man with a really long beard approach the entrance,” Said Carl X. Buck, Sophomore.  “He said that he was Jesus Christ, and wanted to address the students right away.”

According to the witnesses, Christ was instead escorted off school grounds.  Christ, the witnesses say, told the guards he loved them, but was still going to send them to Hell.

“It was so shocking to watch.”  Said Sheri K. Milton, a Junior.  “I wanted to pray for forgiveness, but I had to stop because I didn’t want to be expelled!”

School Safety Coordinator Leroy Brown denied that Christ tried to enter Bolingbrook High School.

“It was just a person who is in between homes right now.  God willing, he will find a new home in Bolingbrook, and get his life back in order.a  Oh, you do know that Valley View started classes on August 16th, right?”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptical Civil War threatens to become violent
UFO transport Babbler Staff to Oklahoma
NSA informs Downers Grove wife about husband’s cheating
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/31/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Manchester Mumbler: Authorities release the Beast of Trowbridge

This story is from our UK sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler.  This story has been edited into American English.

Wiltshire authorities released a big cat from captivity, two days after it was captured by three local residents.

“These two gentlemen and one lady wanted to use the Beast of Trowbridge to start a private zoo.”  Said Police spokesperson David Z. Burdett.  “They did so without a proper capture license, a proper zoo permit, nor did they submit an economic impact report.”

The beast, which was described as a rare British Panther, appeared to be in good health, despite the “appauling conditions” of its cage.  Burdett says the beast was kept in a small cage in a basement.  The captors intended to keep the beast there until the zoo was completed in 2016.

“Capturing the beast threatened our growing safari business, and put Wiltshire in danger of attack from animal rights terrorists.”  Said Burdett.  “This is why we have bureaucracy. It saves lives and jobs!”

A lawyer for the defendants denied they had the creature and said he would prove in court that this was a Muslim plot to destroy his clients.

 Sources within the department say the panther was released into a neighboring field, where it promptly kill a rabbit.

“The beast may be scary, but it helps keep the rabbits from overwhelming the island.  It has a role in our ecology!”

The sources also said that famed UK skeptic Hayley Stevens would assist in the coverup of the capture, and tell other skeptics not to believe in the beast.

“When skeptics say not to believe in something, that causes tourists to flock to the area to see for themselves.  Hayley’s skepticism will improve our tourism.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Stevens denied her involvement, and added that the latest picture of the creature is really a panther in the US state of Michigan.

The spokesperson then said, “Hayley!  What are you doing with those mirrors?”

A woman replied, “When hunting monsters, one must guard against becoming a monster.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Area 51 Extreme Aerobatics Team impresses at Bolingbrook Jubilee

By Reporter X

The Area 51 Extreme Aerobatics Team performed over the Bolingbrook Jubilee 2013 on Friday and Saturday. 

“The Area 51 Team rarely performs outside of Nevada.”  Said Mayor Roger Claar.  “I had to call in a lot of favors to get them here.  After last night’s show, I’d say it was worth it!”

Attendees who looked up into the sky during the Jubilee were treated to dancing light displays, faster than light aerial maneuvers, and demonstrations of the latest in alien spacecraft technology. 

“It was amazing to see what their crafts are capable of doing.”  Said Charlotte X. Muler of Bolingbrook.  “One craft seemed to split into five, then darted off faster than I could blink.  Then seconds later, they came back and formed a single craft again.  It was so distracting that I missed out on winning the Bolingbrook Jaycees Bingo game.  Still, it was worth it!”

Donna L. Parkerson said she was “blown away” by the show.  “I can’t wait to tell the people at Aerial Phenomena what I saw!  I know they’ll feature my story on their web page.” 

Some fortunate attendees were “abducted” and given a free ride on board one of the new triangle UFOs.

“It was weird.”  Said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name.  “I was looking out the window as we were doing all these crazy loops, yet I felt just fine.  Like we weren’t moving all.  My guide said it was due to the advanced gravity and inertia compensators.  I say, it was just weird, but I did like the ride.  Glad they didn’t stick a probe in me!”

After Friday’s performances, team members visited Claar’s VIP lounge and talked about the team.  The team currently consists of aliens form over 40 solar systems.  The team started in 1990 as tourists started to flock to the public lands outside of Area 51.

“Back then, most of our landings and takeoffs were very basic.”  Said Gleen Gost, Captain of the team.  “Then I decided to put on a show for the tourists.  As you humans like to say, the rest is history.”

The team now performs every night at Area 51, while some members will very rarely travel to other UFO bases around the world.

“I love my job.”  Said pilot Gasda Sogos.  “The best part is when I listen to the tourists, and someone claims to have a telepathic connection with me.  I don’t, but I’ll do some tricks to convince them that I am.  Humans can be so gullible sometimes.”

Sources say that the team will perform Sunday night to close the Jubilee.

Also in The Babbler:

Manchester Mumbler: Authorities release the Beast of Trowbridge
Donald Trump fails to buy the Moon
NWO suspends Michael Shermer following incident at Clow UFO Base party
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/21/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Sources: Atheist leaders record “Blurred Lines” video

Several anonymous sources claimed to have seen “parody” video of “Blurred Lines” featuring several prominent atheists.

“I didn’t know what to expect when I got a DVD from the Skeptics Society.”  Said Paul, a Bolingbrook resident who asked that we not use his last name.  “When I played it, I remember yelling, ‘Oh my God!’  Then my wife came in, and accused me of buying a porn video and embracing religion.  We’re fine now, but the Society owes me for marriage counseling fees!”

The video, according to the sources, features Robin Thicke’s controversial song, “Blurred Lines.”   In the atheist’s “parody” video, the leaders are surrounded women only wearing shoes, while the fully clothed leaders lip sync to the song.  The video also shows twitter hashtags and URLs for various godless groups.

In one scene, Michael Shermer, Executive Director of the Skeptics Society, smiles and fills the wine glasses of three models.  He then turns to the camera and winks.

In another scene, Richard Dawkins flips through handwritten cue cards featuring his anti-Muslim tweets. Some of the nude women around him are holding live pigs or pork products.

Another scene features Center for Inquiry CEO Ronald Lindsay dancing with the nude models.  One of them hold ups a picture of Karen Stollznow.  All the models and Lindsay then make the silence gesture. 

A prominent atheist, who the sources refused to name, is seen pulling a model into a tight embrace.  The video then shows the hashtags #nothingbetweenus followed by #auniversefromnothing.

The video also includes the atheists holding up pictures of podcaster Brian Dunning, and balloons arranged into words saying that women can’t have a certain part of the male anatomy belonging to D.J. Grothe, president of the James Randi Educational Foundation.

A source within the Skeptics Society confirms that they made the video in response to allegations of sexual harassment and sexual assault made against the secular movement.

“A certain group of miscreant bloggers say we don’t like women.  That’s not true.  We love women, and what better to celebrate women than to show off their bodies?  Yeah it’s edgy, but so is the secular movement, and these men are the cutting-edge of edgy.  We just wanted to show that we love women and bring back the good old days of conventions.”

When asked to comment, Dawkins told this reporter that it was early in the morning in England.  He followed with angry unintelligible sounds, then hung up.

When called, a man answered Dunning’s cell phone and said Dunning was in the middle of a legal hearing.

In the background, a man yelled, “How can you sentence me for fraud?  I’m Brian Dunning, the host of Skeptoid!  You should be rewarding me for being smarter than eBay!”

This reporter also tried to contact Lawrence Krauss, author of “A Universe from Nothing”, who is suspected of being the unnamed atheist in the video.  While the spokesperson said Krauss was busy, a man who sounded like Krauss could be heard in the background talking on the phone.

“Let me get this straight.  After Ed Cara’s post accusing me of sexual harassment was removed, you decided to put it back online?  You think you’re doing me a favor?”  After a long pause, he said, “Don’t confuse ‘brave hero’ with ‘brilliant hero!’  Leave the thinking to skeptical men like me!”

The Babbler is still trying to get a copy of the video.

Also in The Babbler:

Atheist blogger flees Chicago for New York
UFO makes emergency landing after colliding with the Perseid Meteor Shower
Alien spacecraft emerges from the Lisle Square after 50 years
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/14/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

The Red Deer Reporter: Bikini-clad women protest corn sales

Note: From time to time we feature stories from our international sister papers.  Today we’re featuring an article from Canada’s The Red Deer Reporter.  

Five bikin-clad women picketed in the Safeway parking lot to stop the sale of corn in Red Deer.

“Monsanto and Safeway want us to think that corn is safe.”  Said Debbie, who refused to provide her last name.  “In fact, it is the oldest genetically modified food in the world!  Red Deer doesn’t deserve to be poisoned!  For over 7000 years, the one percent have been using corn to turn us into mindless slaves.  We say enough is enough!”

Debbie is the spokesperson for the Red Tree chapter of Babes Against Biotech.  The organization is dedicated to promoting awareness of the alleged dangers of genetically modified food by using photos of scantly clad women.

Said Claudia, who asked that we not use her last name, “Normally whenever there’s an environmental action in Red Deer, guys just drive by and heckle us.  With a simple change of clothes, they now stop their cars, and walk up to us.  They still say crude things to us, but at least it’s progress.”

Doug Z. Parkerson, a Red Deer resident, said he appreciated the protest.

“They got my attention and got me to take one of their flyers.  I don’t remember what they were saying though.  I just remember having this urge to buy some corn. Maybe the flyer will jog my memory after dinner.  If not, I can always ask them out on a date and they can explain it to me.”

Paula Q. Grace, the only protestor to give her last name, seemed unhappy with her attire.

“I know it gets attention, but why do we have to wear the skimpy outfits?  I have a college degree in English.  I wish I could spread the message by, I don’t know, managing a blog, or writing press releases telling the world there’s no such thing as organic corn.”

Resident Jamie X. Burdett, said she was disappointed in the protesters.

“It’s too easy to walk around on this unseasonable warm day in a bikini.  Women are capable of doing so much more to raise awareness.  Greenpeace had a team of women climb the tallest building in Western Europe.  Maybe they could climb the highest building in Red Deer next time. Or maybe buy a cornfield and burn it.”

The protest became heated when they started chanting, “Hey Hey!  Ho Ho!  Deadly Corn has got to go!” towards customer visibly carrying corn.

A RCMP patrol car eventually pulled into the parking lot.  An officer, who did not provide his name, said, “The manager says you’re too loud and on their property.  Could you like move to the sidewalk, and promise not to block pedestrian traffic?”

“That was so rude!”  Exclaimed Debbie after the protesters moved.  “This would never have happened over 20 years ago.  Harper is destroying our nation’s character!  If we don’t remove him, we’ll start acting like US residents!”

“I’ll bet he was called in by the one-percenters though their puppets in the skeptics movement.”  Added Claudia.

Beth Z. Wellington, a spokesperson for Red Deer Skeptics, denies they called the police on the protesters.  She also said that the protest was misguided.

“All crops have been modified since the beginning of agriculture.  GMO technology provides a more exact method to modify crops to get intended results.  Opponents of GMOs have caused real harm.  Even the founder of the movement admits he was wrong.”

Wellington add that even organic farming has its draw backs.  “Organic farming has a high carbon footprint, and there’s a risk of getting e-coli from organic food.”

Wellington urged all local environmental activists to embrace skepticism to better ground their arguments.  They’re also welcome to come to their Meetups to learn more about critical thinking.

“Come to the dark side.  We have beer!”  

Also in The Red Deer Reporter:

RCMP arrest alien for trying to make a tree circle
Oil sand monster terrorizes local oil companies
Bigfoot decides not to sue Red Deer
God to spare Red Deer on 7/8/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.