Saturday, July 13, 2013

Web Exclusive: Aliens arrested for abducting former NBA player!

Photo taken by Scott Mecum.

An alien crew from HD 189733J turned themselves over to authorities after being accused of abducting former NBA player Baron Davis.

The crew’s lawyer, Gu Kaygoat, said that the crew surrendered at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after receiving assurances that they would not be tortured.

“Your Mayor Roger Claar is a wise and just human male.  Thanks to his bold decisions, my clients will be able to focus on answering these outrageous charges made by investigators at Area 51.”

According to the New York Daily Post, Davis claims he was abducted near Las Vegas while driving to Los Angeles.  He accused the crew of conducting experiments on him before releasing him in California.  

“Dude, they were poking me on my nose and (expletive deleted).”  Said Davis.

Kaygoat says the crew was in the area at the time of Davis’s alleged abduction, but denies the crew performed any illegal acts.

“My clients did not violate the ban on abducting currently famous humans, nor do they perform probing experiments on any famous humans.  My clients only use noninvasive examination devices.  If my clients had abducted a famous human, they would not have poked at its nose or any orifice.  We look forward to a fair investigation that will clear my clients!”

Kaygoat also warned all aliens to stay away from Area 51.  

“That place is a death trap!  They will look for any excuse to kill their visitors, or purposely ignore safety violations.  Area 51 is only looking for new bodies to cut up!”

New World Order representative Jeff Wagg would not comment on the charges against the alien crew, but did confirm that they would not experience “enhanced interrogation” while at Clow UFO Base.  He did say that Davis was cooperating with the Men in Black to cover up the event.

“While it was regrettable that Baron Davis choose to talk about his experience on a podcast, he was kind enough to recant his story on Twitter.  This will be reflected in his final judgement.”

Wagg says investigators are examining the crew’s equipment, including its mind wiping devices.

While Wagg would not comment on the specific case, he did say that unauthorized abductions of famous people could be punishable by death, depending on how badly the crew botched the mind wipe.

“This isn’t the 1960s.  We can no longer write off abductions as a bad drug trip.  That’s why we take these cases very seriously.”

Wagg also refused to comment on Kaygoat’s charges against Area 51.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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