Sunday, July 21, 2013

Sources: Obama to give Chicagoland to Canada

To avoid the embarrassment of a second metropolitan bankruptcy, sources say President Obama will give Chicagoland to Canada in exchange for Toronto.

The move comes in response to Chicago’s recent credit downgrade, and Detroit declaring bankruptcy.  Sources that moving Chicago could help Chicago avert bankruptcy, and provide Canada with increased tax revenues.  Under the proposed treaty, Chicago’s current residents would become duel citizens of the US and Canada.  They would not have to pay US taxes, but could vote in US and Illinois elections.

“Sure in the long run, it could turn Illinois into a Red State.”  Said a source with a relative who works at the State Department.  “However, when the last duel residents die off, we’re confident that the Republican Party will be long gone.  Heck, even Texas is getting sick of their nonsense.”

Other sources agree that the plan includes turning over Chicago’s public schools to the Catholic Church, and enrolling all residents in Canada’s health care system.  The US federal government would pay for the transition.  

“This means we can free up property tax money for more relevant things, like bailing out our donors’ businesses.”  Said a source within City Hall, who added, “Plus Hollywood can film more movies in Chicago, instead of going to Toronto.  Who knows, maybe film makers will now come to Chicago to make movies about Toronto?”

Sources within Canada’s ruling Conservative Party say that there are other benefits to trading Toronto for Chicago.

“This will be great for the campaign.”  Said William Z. Peterseim, spokesperson for the Conservative Party of Ontario.  “Now we can start talking about the ‘scary people of Chicago’ invading our country.  Once we launch Fox News Canada, people will be so afraid, they’ll lock their doors.  Then during the federal debates, Prime Minister Harper can say to MP Justin Trudeau, ‘How are you going to deal with the scary people of Chicago, eh?  Can you be sure that your father’s ways will work now that we have scary Chicago people among us?’”

Said another source within the Conservative Party, “We would gladly trade Mayor Rob Ford’s political machine for the Chicago Political Machine any day.  Let’s seem him survive an FBI investigation.” 

Another source added, “We’ll also get the University of Chicago.  Their economists will help us transform Canada from America’s hat to North America’s brain!”

When asked to comment, many Chicago area officials laughed and hung up the phone.  Some said privately that they wouldn’t support the move because it would mean the city’s colleges would have to leave the NCAA.

“That means no more trips to the Rose Bowl for Northwestern.  We can’t follow up a 10 win season by disbanding the football team!”

Other Chicago residents seemed please with the move.

John Z Washington, a long time resident, said, “With the country going to crap, I’ve dreamed about moving to Canada.  Now it sounds like Canada is going to be moving to me!”

Ford, when asked to comment, mumbled that it was too early in the afternoon for him to be awake, then hung up the phone.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel said, “You guys again!  I’ll give you a money quote if you’ll leave me alone today.  Go (expletive deleted) yourselves!  Eh?”

Also in The Babbler:

Officials deny Pelican Harbor Aquatic Park is cursed
Village warns residents not to participate in “Hug a vampire day”
Claar vows to ban atheist churches in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/25/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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