Sunday, July 7, 2013

Babbler infiltrates Skepchickcon

Skepchickcon is the “skeptical track” of panels and events hosted at the Convergence Fantasy/Science Fiction convention in the Twin Cities. For years, it has been rumored that Skepchickcon, hosted by Skepchick and Freethought Blogs, includes secret events, some involving extraterrestrials.  At this year’s convention, held this weekend, The Babbler became the first publication to infiltrate Skepchickcon.  Below are the stories our team uncovered.

Safe sex takes on new meaning at extraterrestrial sex panel discussion

By Reporter X

Having sex with an alien is more likely to lead to injury than a human/alien hybrid, according to Skepchickcon’s “Alien Sex and you” panel.

The panel, consisting of Alpha Centauri scientist Glop Nigot, PZ Myers, Andromeda explorer Togo Laka, and moderated by Skepchick Heina, said that aliens and humans are genetically incompatible with humans, and, in many cases, physically incompatible.

“Evolution has created millions of reproductive strategies across the universe.”  Said Myers.  “Some species only have one gender, some have several.  Heck there are many species whose biology isn’t based on DNA.  For science fiction writers to promise humans that they can have children with extraterrestrials is irresponsible!”

Laka tried to tell a joke about the time he tried to secretly implant an alien embryo into a human woman, but Heina stopped him with a glare.

“We don’t tell those kind of jokes here.  I’m sure you could find an audience at TAM that would appreciate your attempt a humor.”  

Nigot also warned the mixed alien and human audience about the dangers of having sex with certain species.

“For some beings, the male appendage is designed to remove the womb and place it in a carrier gender.  That would be an unpleasant experience for a human female.  On the other grasper, there is a species whose female organs are designed to enter a male’s body and remove the sperm for him.”

Many human males in the audience winced at this comment.

Myers also warned that human sex could kill some alien species.

“If you’re not careful, you might crush your partner.  Especially if they’re from a low gravity planet.  Plus our body fluids are poison to some species.  What we consider a French Kiss, is, to some species, like pouring acid down someone’s throat.”

Heina stressed during the panel discussion the importance of getting consent from your partner, alien or human.

“Please check your privilege before engaging in an intimate act, and keep in mind that your advance technology also creates a very large power difference.  Though I personally don’t care for extraterrestrial sex, I do want everyone who does to have fun, and not feel like they’re being coerced.”

Laka tried to tell a joke about confusing a human woman saying no for another species' mating ritual.  Heina stopped him with another glare.

“I promise to stop acting like a male appendage.”  Said Laka.

“Now that’s kind of funny.”  Replied Heina.

Man walks out of Evolutionary Psychology panel

A Convergence attendee breifly created a flood of tweets when he walked out of Skepchickcon’s Evolutionary Psychology panel discussion.

Sources say the tweets occurred shortly after Donald Z. Parker, who was dressed as pig, walked out of the room minutes before the panel discussion started.  

“I realized that I was in the wrong room.  I double checked the map, and then just headed off to where I wanted to go.”

Parker said that just after leaving the room, a man disguised as Darth Vader approached him.

“Are you walking out of that panel?”  Asked Vader.

“Um, yes.”  Replied Parker

“You are a brave hero!”  Replied Vader.  “Your brave act will be multiplied and praised!”

Vader then started typing on his smartphone, while Parker walked to the panel he really wanted to attend.

Later, when Parker checked his Twitter account, he was shocked to see tweets claiming there was a major walkout during the Evolutionary Psychology Panel.

“At first I didn’t know what they were talking about.  The room was packed, and everyone seemed to want to be there.  Then I realized that they were talking about me!”

Parker doubts that most of the tweeters were at Convergence.  He suspects that one person posted the story, and then it became exaggerated with each retelling.

“On the Internet, the story went from one person walking out to a major walkout within five minutes!”

Parker said he later met up with PZ Myers at a hands-on workshop.  He apologized to Myers, and claims that Myers accepted his apology.

“He’s a good outstanding man.  I’m sure he has to be a God fearing Christian, but that’s just a guess.  I don’t know much about him, other than he likes to dissect owl droppings.”

‘Aquatic Man’ removed from Convergence

A man who claims to be a direct decedent of an aquatic ape was thrown out after attempting to disrupt the convention.

Eyewitnesses agree a man charged into the vendor room with a full water tank on a wheeled cart.  He demanded that PZ Myers see him immediately.

Said one eyewitness, who asked not to be identified, “I saw the guy, and my first thought was to stay away.  I didn’t want him washing away my makeup.  it took me hours to put it on!”

After being surrounded by convention security, the man dunked his head into the water tank.  Fifteen seconds later, he pulled his head out and screamed, “I just proved the Aquatic Ape theory of evolution!”

The man claimed that his father is an aquatic ape, and wanted to show Myers that he was wrong to dismiss Aquatic Ape theory.  He then dunked his head into the tank, and pulled it out 10 seconds later.

“More proof!”  He cried.

Hotel security arrived, and the man was told that he was in violation of the code of conduct and had to leave.  As he was being escorted out, the man exclaimed, “I have proof that evolutionist are wrong, but I’m being silenced by an anti-harassment policy!  Freethought Blog Bullies!”

The man could not be reached for comment, though some eyewitnesses claim to have seen him walking towards the Mississippi River, saying, “I’m swimming home!”

When reached for comment, Myers replied, “It is going to take more than a man holding his breath to change my mind about humans evolving from an aquatic mammal.  Fossil evidence would be a good start.  If you can find a live aquatic ape, that’s even better.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work stamping out religion and misogyny!”

Photo by Mak0rz on Twitter.
Alien tries to perform emergency surgery on Rebecca Watson

By Reporter X

Sources say Skepchick Rebecca Watson wore a costume so realistic, an alien visitor thought she needed to perform emergency surgery on Watson.

According to the sources, Watson entered the Skepchick party room dressed as the character Elizabeth Shaw from movie Prometheus.  Watson was wearing bandages, and appeared to have a squid attached to her abdomen.  

While many attendees praised her costume, Dr. Xe Gost, from Gliese 667 ran up to her and pulled out her medical kit.

Gost, according to sources, started asking questions, like “When did the parasite attack you?”  “Are you allergic to any medicines?” and “Can I perform the surgery here, or do we need to be out of sight of your friends?”

Apparently shocked, Watson replied that she was wearing a costume, and she was in relatively good health.

“We just threw this together last night.  I’m very flattered that you think it is real, but trust me it isn’t.  Please don’t cut me open!”

After being convinced of Watson’s good health, Gost apologized.  Watson accepted the apology, and offered Gost test tube of Tang.  Watson explained to Gost that Tang affects his species the same way alcohol affects humans.  Several minutes later, Gost was dancing with the other attendees, and seemed to be enjoying herself.

“You see.”  Said Watson.  “Interstellar diplomacy doesn’t have to be stuffy and boring.  I say nothing brings the universe together like a good costume party with Amanda Marcotte as the DJ!”

Also in The Babbler:

Obama turns off cooling ray aimed at Chicago
Bolingbrook ghosts plan surprise for Jubilee
Roger Claar Mayoral Library to be located at Bolingbrook Golf Club
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/10/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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