Sunday, July 28, 2013

We get letters 7/28/13

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted letters to the editor on the web page.  Quite frankly, most of them haven’t been worth posting until now.  I will note a dramatic decrease in letters against Mayor Roger Claar since George Smith was charged with child abduction.  Make of it what you will.

Our first letter tackles the Trayvon Martin case.
To the Editor: 
Since none of my fellow Second Amendment supporters will say it, I will.  Trayvon Martin would still be alive if he was armed.  He probably would have been convicted of murder, but I think he had the right to stand his ground against an armed man who was following him with hostile intent! 
Now my white friends tell me I shouldn’t talk about Martin’s death because the high number of black on black crime.  While I appreciate their concern, I think they should focus more on white on white crime.  According to a study, 84 percent of white murder victims were killed by whites.  While you're trembling in fear of a teenager in a hoodie, it is more likely your son is thinking of all the ways he’ll cook your dead body.  While you worry about visiting the Southside, it’s more likely your wife is contemplating how to kill your children and herself.  I’ll go as far as saying that it is more likely that Ted Nugent will be shot by the accidental discharge of a fan’s gun than by a man wearing a hoodie.
I urge everyone to own a gun.  Because until we have social justice, we must protect our personal justice! 
Peter Z. Williams
President of the Bolingbrook African American Rifle Association
Our next letter asks us to be skeptical of Shakespeare:
To the Editor: 
So far I can't find a single skeptic that is actually skeptical, rational, and self-respecting.  Is it hopeless?
But perhaps you might find some interest in my take on Shakespeare's Sonnets.
You might consider as in light of this epistemological claim
But I also hope you might appreciate the type of internal consistency I believe I have offered.  Which should be seen as evidence in itself.  What might be better characterized as holism in interpretation.  I.e. it contains linguistic context and expression worthy of Shakespeare.  And containing a personal context ( a psychological interpretation or authorial psychology). Thus my reading has an author's whole historical context and psychology an expresses thoughts implicitly and holistically that embody an obvious worldview.  It also carries meanings which are not explicitly articulated in the work itself but also reflect on the artist's language.  And all forming a fallible and corrigible hypothesis. All the while providing a model, justification, and context for the the type of conspiracy and authorship concealment necessary and also all the while subsuming already existing theories.  Further it also suggest a socio-political and cultural history that clearly clarifies an external body of literature of that time that has been clearly enigmatic.  
I've literally begged CFI, CSI and everyone else in the community to do their indigence and actually engage in real skepticism and inquiry. But apparently they are completely incapable or unwilling to do so.  
Further Kendrick Fraser explicitly informed me of the following:
I am sorry but theories of Shakespeare authorship just don't fit into our interests, or mine.
We deal with issues with some scientific content, and that's where our organization's expertise lies.
They then went on to publish:
"Did Shakespeare Write ‘Shakespeare’? Much Ado About Nothing" 
Alan Tarica
Not that we’re skeptics, but we’ll offer you advice.  Directly address the arguments in the CSI article.  You might not convince the skeptics, but you might convince others.  Personally, I think there is plenty of evidence that Shakespeare existed, and wrote his plays.  Your theory needs to address that evidence.

Speaking of skeptics, is The Skeptics Guide to the Universe ever going to accept our $5 challenge?  

Maybe they should follow the example of this local skeptic:
To the Editor: 
If your psychics are so powerful, how come they’ve never won the Jaycee Bingo tournament at the annual Bolingbrook Jubilee 
Lisa X. Krosswell
Bolingbrook, IL
Years ago, they tried to play, but the Jaycees always refused to give them the winning board.  Apparently the rules back then stated that a player could not request a specific board.

Now our psychics don’t play, because they want to give non-psychics a chance to win.   It’s better for everyone.  Our psychics can focus their energy on more important events, and average residents can enjoy a fair game of bingo.

Think you can do better than these letter writers?  Send us an e-mail to bolingbrookbabbler at  Maybe your letter will make it past my desk.

Also in The Babbler:

UFO pilot arrested for causing sonic boom over Bolingbrook
Soviets fire cooling ray at Bolingbrook
Secret corporation vows to take artificial limbs away from Medicare patients.  
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/1/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Sources: Obama to give Chicagoland to Canada

To avoid the embarrassment of a second metropolitan bankruptcy, sources say President Obama will give Chicagoland to Canada in exchange for Toronto.

The move comes in response to Chicago’s recent credit downgrade, and Detroit declaring bankruptcy.  Sources that moving Chicago could help Chicago avert bankruptcy, and provide Canada with increased tax revenues.  Under the proposed treaty, Chicago’s current residents would become duel citizens of the US and Canada.  They would not have to pay US taxes, but could vote in US and Illinois elections.

“Sure in the long run, it could turn Illinois into a Red State.”  Said a source with a relative who works at the State Department.  “However, when the last duel residents die off, we’re confident that the Republican Party will be long gone.  Heck, even Texas is getting sick of their nonsense.”

Other sources agree that the plan includes turning over Chicago’s public schools to the Catholic Church, and enrolling all residents in Canada’s health care system.  The US federal government would pay for the transition.  

“This means we can free up property tax money for more relevant things, like bailing out our donors’ businesses.”  Said a source within City Hall, who added, “Plus Hollywood can film more movies in Chicago, instead of going to Toronto.  Who knows, maybe film makers will now come to Chicago to make movies about Toronto?”

Sources within Canada’s ruling Conservative Party say that there are other benefits to trading Toronto for Chicago.

“This will be great for the campaign.”  Said William Z. Peterseim, spokesperson for the Conservative Party of Ontario.  “Now we can start talking about the ‘scary people of Chicago’ invading our country.  Once we launch Fox News Canada, people will be so afraid, they’ll lock their doors.  Then during the federal debates, Prime Minister Harper can say to MP Justin Trudeau, ‘How are you going to deal with the scary people of Chicago, eh?  Can you be sure that your father’s ways will work now that we have scary Chicago people among us?’”

Said another source within the Conservative Party, “We would gladly trade Mayor Rob Ford’s political machine for the Chicago Political Machine any day.  Let’s seem him survive an FBI investigation.” 

Another source added, “We’ll also get the University of Chicago.  Their economists will help us transform Canada from America’s hat to North America’s brain!”

When asked to comment, many Chicago area officials laughed and hung up the phone.  Some said privately that they wouldn’t support the move because it would mean the city’s colleges would have to leave the NCAA.

“That means no more trips to the Rose Bowl for Northwestern.  We can’t follow up a 10 win season by disbanding the football team!”

Other Chicago residents seemed please with the move.

John Z Washington, a long time resident, said, “With the country going to crap, I’ve dreamed about moving to Canada.  Now it sounds like Canada is going to be moving to me!”

Ford, when asked to comment, mumbled that it was too early in the afternoon for him to be awake, then hung up the phone.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel said, “You guys again!  I’ll give you a money quote if you’ll leave me alone today.  Go (expletive deleted) yourselves!  Eh?”

Also in The Babbler:

Officials deny Pelican Harbor Aquatic Park is cursed
Village warns residents not to participate in “Hug a vampire day”
Claar vows to ban atheist churches in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/25/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Web Exclusive: Religion and skepticism debate a highlight of FTBcon Interstellar at Clow UFO Base

The first day of the Freethought Blogs Conscience Interstellar convention ended with charged debate over whether a scientific skeptic could also believe in a God or higher being.  Both sides made their case before a standing room only audience at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

Controversial blogger and biologist PZ Myers argued that religion and skepticism are incompatible.

“The skeptical movement argues that extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.”  Said Myers.  “Yet, if you claim that all of reality was created by a single being.  That this being can instantly assert its will anywhere in the universe, and it has specific rules that it wants humans to follow, suddenly that claim is immune to skepticism.  Why the double standard?”

New World Order representative Jeff Wagg argued that skepticism and religion could coexist.

“By all means question the specific claims.”  Said Wagg.  “But you can’t specifically test for God, depending on how you define God.  If you can’t test it, then it becomes a matter of personal belief, not skepticism.”

Jol Kados of the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science said that spreading scientific knowledge is all Skepticism should be focused on.

“Some humans turn away from science because they are afraid of losing their beliefs.  If we can’t get all of humanity to embrace science, (the IAAS) will have to abandon humanity and seal off your solar system.  I am wiling to tolerate a little prayer in order save humanity from this fate.”

Naz Ga from Sirius decried the IAAS covert approach to educating humanity, and said Earth must face the truth.

“My ethical system teaches us to be skeptical of our own existence.  If cannot be sure of our own existence, then we are even less sure of the existence of a universal being.  This is the position humans need to grow into.  We need to end humanity’s childhood and have them embrace interstellar adulthood.  The sooner the human skeptic movement does this, the better!

Many alien audience member enjoyed the 3 hour debate.  Though emotions ran high during the question and answer session, there were no arrests or acts of harassment reported.

Said one alien, who asked to remain anonymous, “Every civilization has its own answer to the question of skepticism and religion.  So I don’t think there really is a right answer.  I just like to listen to other species coming up with their own answers.”

The first day of the convention, sponsored by Freethought Blogs, Skepchick, and The New World Order, also featured many speeches and panel discussions about interstellar social justice movements, and what humanity could learn from them.

Another highlight from the first day came during a speech by Biodork blogger Brianne Bilyeu.  During her defense of human reproductive rights, Bilyeu created her own lifeforms on stage using simulated abiogenesis.

“Some people say that I should let these creature live, even if they could escape and destroy all native life on Earth.”

She then shocked the audience by tossing the sealed containers with the microbs into a fusion reactor.

“I say they’re my creation.  My choice.”

FtBCon Interstellar will conclude tomorrow with a speech by the president of Interstellar Atheists.  It will then be followed by FtBCon, an online conference that will be open to the human public.  It will run from July 19 to July 21.  Both conferences focus “on social justice, technology, and the future of the freethought movement.”  More information about the public convention is available at 

Clow officials stress that FtBCon is one of many religious themed interstellar conventions hosted at the base, and not an endorsement of administrators' beliefs.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Inside Bolingbrook’s evolutionary psychology house

(Note: Many names were changed in exchange for access to the house.  This article also mentions a special type of electronic drug.)

Pete tumbles out of his unkempt bed and onto a carpet that he can’t recall vacuuming. He weakly crawls towards his charging station, fixated on an iPad with a picture of Steven Pinker on the cover.  When he reaches the iPad, he roughly opens the cover, then fumbles to call up a bookmarked page.  When the page is loaded, he struggles to focus.  Seconds later, he is immersed in the page.  He relaxes as the words seem to be injected into his brain.  Suddenly he tenses up.  His eyes roll into his skull and his body convulses.  Seconds, lets out a large moan of pleasure, then collapses.  After a few heavy breaths, Pete slowly starts to stand up.

“There’s nothing like a hit of evolutionary psychology to start off your day!”  Exclaimed Pete.

Pete owns what he calls Bolingbrook’s first evolutionary psychology House.  Visitors come to his home at all hours to read “evo psych” web sites and e-books in a ‘supportive environment.”

Evolutionary psychology is new branch of psychology that studies the origins of human behavior.  Supporters believe that since the brain evolved, therefore human behaviors evolved and were naturally selected.  Many focus on human behavior from 10,000 years ago to explain modern day behaviors.  Critic charge evolutionary psychology is beset with poor research and fraud.  Some contend that the human brain is “plastic” or adaptable within a life time, and this can account for modern human behavior.  Some supporters counter that critics of evolutionary psychology have a hidden feminist agenda, and are anti-science.

Pete asked Tim and Blake to demonstrate the scientific value of evolutionary psychology.

Tim said, “The data clearly shows that women aren’t promiscuous because of the high cost of pregnancy.  Men have almost no cost in pregnancy, so men will be promiscuous.

Pete smiles, then, after reading a short blog post, exhaled, and said, “That’s very good.”  He then pointed to Blake.

Blake replied, “It is hard to tell when a woman is ovulating.  Men like to care for their offspring.  Therefore, it is in a woman’s best interest to be promiscuous so that her partners cannot be certain the child is theirs, and will want to help raise the child, just in case.”

Pete smiled again.  After a long "download," he exclaimed, “That’s excellent, Blake!  See, evolutionary psychology can explain anything!”

Besides the scientific value of “evo psych,” many visitors to the house have their own, more personal reasons for “hitting” the blogs.

“I used to feel like an outcast.”  Said Donald.  “When I had my first hit, it was like opening the doors of skeptical perception.  I realized that the feminists were covering up my evolutionary based masculanity!  I wasn’t a geek any more. I was Neo, transcending the bounds of our evolutionary past, and embracing the transhumanist future!”

In contrast, Jake offered a simpler reason.  “I hate Rebecca Watson.  So when I found out she hates evo psych, I had to try it out.  My first hit was like...mind...blown!  I didn’t know how wrong she was until I started taking these hits.”

The Bolingbrook police department says that what occurs in the house is technically legal.  They are consulting with biologists, however.

Said an anonymous source, “We can’t do anything about it.  We can warn residents that most biologists recommend keeping evolution and psychology separate because combining the two can be unpredictable.”

Still, some neighbors have complaints about the many visitors to the house.  While many of them complain about the noise, some find the personal meetings with the visitors disturbing.

Janice, a long time neighbor, described the time a man with bloodshot eyes stumbled towards her.

“He smelled so bad, that I just wanted him to walk away.  Instead, he held up his filthy tablet and said, “Did you know that ovulating lap dancers get the most tips?  You should try it the next time you’re ovulating!’  I didn’t know what to say.  Fortunately, he staggered way.  It’s people like him, that make me glad I can carry a concealed weapon!”

Trevor, another neighbor, describes how he stopped one visitor from talking to his seven year old daughter.

“I didn’t like the way he was looking at her. I was afraid he was going to offer her a ride.  You know what those people are like.  Anyway, I yelled at him to get way.  He said my daughter was pretty.  I said that he’d better not touch her.  I’ll never forget it.  He said, “Don’t worry.  Though it would be easy, I won’t aggressively mate with your daughter.  I’ll wait until she’s 12 and then woo her with Darwinian approved pickup lines!’  I grabbed my daughter and told him to get out of my sight.  He said, ‘I know you want to protect your genetic offspring, but let me assure you that my genius genes will only improve your bloodline.  I know I have smarter genes than you because I’m thinner!’  I won’t tell you what I did next.”

Pete concedes that there have been problems.  He blames them on the fact that evolutionary psychology is a “New Science.”

“After some people take a few hits, the urge is to take it as far as they can go.  My job is to make sure they don’t go too far.  In a sense, to be a guide.”

In the crowded living room, he noticed a man excessively laughing at his iPad.  Pete walked over to him, then looked at this screen.  Pete gently touched the man’s screen.

“You need to lay off the R. Elisabeth Cornwell.”  Pete calmly said.

“But--But she agrees with me!”  Replied the man.

“You need to switch to Richard Dawkins for a bit.  A few hits will get your focus back on the science.”  

The man offered little resistance, as Pete took his iPad.  Pete carefully typed in a new URL, then handed the iPad back to the man.  The man let out a pleasured sigh as he became absorbed in Dawkins's words.

Pete started to talk when several crashing sounds echoed through the house.  The groggy guests looked up from their devices, as screamed “No!  No!  No!  No!”

Seconds later, a large man with blond hair and wearing a pirate outfit, charged out from the hallway.  The other guest slowly rolled out of the way.  The pirate shoved a man out of a wooden chair then picked it up.  He raised the chair over his head.

“Shut up!  Shut up!  Shut up!”  The pirate screamed.

Wide eyed, the pirate then started smashing the chair on the floor.  The guests tried to move faster to get away from the enraged pirate.

“I said shut up you racist, reverse racist, Abbie Smith loving, Rebecca Watson (Expletive Delete), sexist, misandrist, privileged, liberty hating, injustice loving, free-speech hating, freeze peaching, freethought blogging, Slymepitting bully!”

The chair shattered and the pirate collapsed to the floor in tears.  Pete ran into the hallway as the pirate sobbed uncontrollably.  The other guests stared at the pirate with fear in their eyes.

Several seconds later, Pet returned, holding two computer notepads.  He ran up to the pirate, and then kneeled in front of him, holding up the two devices.

“How could you be so foolish?”  Screamed Pete.  “You mixed your Ed Clint with Greg Laden!”

“I couldn’t help myself.”  Cried the Pirate.  “I wanted more.  They both believe in evolutionary psychology.  So I thought it would be OK!”

“You can’t do that.  You have to think of the interactions before you mix blogs!”

“Now my brain filled with misogynistic and misandristic thoughts, and they’re arguing with each other!  It won’t stop.  I hate my brain!”

Pete entered a new URL in one of the devices.

“Listen to me.  I said listen to me.  Don’t hate your brain.  You’re just suffering from a bad case of cognitive dissonance.”

He showed the screen to the pirate.

“You need to read some Barbara Drescher to even you out.  Try it.”

The pirate grabbed the device and started staring at the screen.  Seconds later, he started repeating the phrase, “I’m OK.  They’re insane.  Freethought Blogs Bullies.”

Pete stood up and brushed himself off.

“Don’t let this discourage your readers.”  He said.  “With responsible usage, you can achieve better living through evolutionary psychology.”

Also in The Babbler:

Atheist group “monitors” The Babbler
Uncloaked UFO spotted over Bolingbrook
Alien forces Derrick Rose to play in the season opener
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Web Exclusive: Aliens arrested for abducting former NBA player!

Photo taken by Scott Mecum.

An alien crew from HD 189733J turned themselves over to authorities after being accused of abducting former NBA player Baron Davis.

The crew’s lawyer, Gu Kaygoat, said that the crew surrendered at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after receiving assurances that they would not be tortured.

“Your Mayor Roger Claar is a wise and just human male.  Thanks to his bold decisions, my clients will be able to focus on answering these outrageous charges made by investigators at Area 51.”

According to the New York Daily Post, Davis claims he was abducted near Las Vegas while driving to Los Angeles.  He accused the crew of conducting experiments on him before releasing him in California.  

“Dude, they were poking me on my nose and (expletive deleted).”  Said Davis.

Kaygoat says the crew was in the area at the time of Davis’s alleged abduction, but denies the crew performed any illegal acts.

“My clients did not violate the ban on abducting currently famous humans, nor do they perform probing experiments on any famous humans.  My clients only use noninvasive examination devices.  If my clients had abducted a famous human, they would not have poked at its nose or any orifice.  We look forward to a fair investigation that will clear my clients!”

Kaygoat also warned all aliens to stay away from Area 51.  

“That place is a death trap!  They will look for any excuse to kill their visitors, or purposely ignore safety violations.  Area 51 is only looking for new bodies to cut up!”

New World Order representative Jeff Wagg would not comment on the charges against the alien crew, but did confirm that they would not experience “enhanced interrogation” while at Clow UFO Base.  He did say that Davis was cooperating with the Men in Black to cover up the event.

“While it was regrettable that Baron Davis choose to talk about his experience on a podcast, he was kind enough to recant his story on Twitter.  This will be reflected in his final judgement.”

Wagg says investigators are examining the crew’s equipment, including its mind wiping devices.

While Wagg would not comment on the specific case, he did say that unauthorized abductions of famous people could be punishable by death, depending on how badly the crew botched the mind wipe.

“This isn’t the 1960s.  We can no longer write off abductions as a bad drug trip.  That’s why we take these cases very seriously.”

Wagg also refused to comment on Kaygoat’s charges against Area 51.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Babbler infiltrates Skepchickcon

Skepchickcon is the “skeptical track” of panels and events hosted at the Convergence Fantasy/Science Fiction convention in the Twin Cities. For years, it has been rumored that Skepchickcon, hosted by Skepchick and Freethought Blogs, includes secret events, some involving extraterrestrials.  At this year’s convention, held this weekend, The Babbler became the first publication to infiltrate Skepchickcon.  Below are the stories our team uncovered.

Safe sex takes on new meaning at extraterrestrial sex panel discussion

By Reporter X

Having sex with an alien is more likely to lead to injury than a human/alien hybrid, according to Skepchickcon’s “Alien Sex and you” panel.

The panel, consisting of Alpha Centauri scientist Glop Nigot, PZ Myers, Andromeda explorer Togo Laka, and moderated by Skepchick Heina, said that aliens and humans are genetically incompatible with humans, and, in many cases, physically incompatible.

“Evolution has created millions of reproductive strategies across the universe.”  Said Myers.  “Some species only have one gender, some have several.  Heck there are many species whose biology isn’t based on DNA.  For science fiction writers to promise humans that they can have children with extraterrestrials is irresponsible!”

Laka tried to tell a joke about the time he tried to secretly implant an alien embryo into a human woman, but Heina stopped him with a glare.

“We don’t tell those kind of jokes here.  I’m sure you could find an audience at TAM that would appreciate your attempt a humor.”  

Nigot also warned the mixed alien and human audience about the dangers of having sex with certain species.

“For some beings, the male appendage is designed to remove the womb and place it in a carrier gender.  That would be an unpleasant experience for a human female.  On the other grasper, there is a species whose female organs are designed to enter a male’s body and remove the sperm for him.”

Many human males in the audience winced at this comment.

Myers also warned that human sex could kill some alien species.

“If you’re not careful, you might crush your partner.  Especially if they’re from a low gravity planet.  Plus our body fluids are poison to some species.  What we consider a French Kiss, is, to some species, like pouring acid down someone’s throat.”

Heina stressed during the panel discussion the importance of getting consent from your partner, alien or human.

“Please check your privilege before engaging in an intimate act, and keep in mind that your advance technology also creates a very large power difference.  Though I personally don’t care for extraterrestrial sex, I do want everyone who does to have fun, and not feel like they’re being coerced.”

Laka tried to tell a joke about confusing a human woman saying no for another species' mating ritual.  Heina stopped him with another glare.

“I promise to stop acting like a male appendage.”  Said Laka.

“Now that’s kind of funny.”  Replied Heina.