Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Web exclusive: Clow UFO Base hosts Women in Secularism 2.1 conference

By Reporter X

Approximately 10,000 humans and aliens attended the Women in Secularism 2.1 conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  It was the second largest conference ever hosted by Clow.

“Any skeptical conference that doesn’t end in a riot is a good one.”  Said Bolingbrook Mayor and Clow UFO Base Administrator Roger Claar.

WiS 2.1 was organized following the controversial Women in Secularism 2 conference held in May 2013.  Attendees accused Center for Inquiry CEO Ron Lindsay of being condescending towards them in his opening remarks.  Some speakers say his remarks overshadowed the conference, offended feminists, and emboldened Men’s Rights Activists to step up harassment their harassment of some of the invited speakers.

Extraterrestrial allies of Earth’s secular feminist movement turned their anger towards the CFI affiliated group, Committee for Skeptical Inquiry.  CSI is the liaison organization between Earth’s skeptical movement and the Interstellar Community.  Extraterrestrials staged protests around CSI consulates around the world.  While some were peaceful, many devolved into riots.  After a riot at Area 51 resulted in 56 deaths, The New World Order and CSI met with the leading interstellar feminist and gender rights groups.  CSI then agreed to “re-host” Women in Secularism 2 at Clow UFO base.

“Unlike the first one,” Said an anonymous CSI source, “this one was easier to organize.  We already knew who the speakers were, and the NWO was taking care of all expenses and ‘arrangements.’  We knew that we’d have a large audience of aliens, so making money was no problem.  All but one of the speakers wanted a second chance to get the conference right.  Still, we were quite nervous.  We couldn’t afford to mess this up a second time.”

To many, that meant the introduction speech had to be perfect.  Melody Hensley, Executive director of CFI-DC and organizer of the previous WIS conferences, approached the podium in front of a nervous audience.  After hesitating for a few moments, she said, “Gathered sentient beings!  The Center for Skeptical Inquiry welcomes you to Women in Secularism 2.1!”

The audience replied with a 10 minute standing ovation.

Many of the speakers and panelists publicly praised the improvements from last month’s conference.  During her presentation, Ophelia Benson, columnist and blogger, looked at the Interstellar Internet feed, and remarked, “I must say, it is so nice to look at this screen and not be faced with a deluge of hate filled tweets.  I see some tweets disagreeing with me, but they’re civil.  Believe it or not, I like civil!”

“Me too!”  Exclaimed Stephanie Zvan, blogger and associate president of Minnesota Atheists.

A man who previously attended WiS 2, agreed that this conference had improved.

“I’m visually impaired.”  Said the man, who asked not to be identified.  “Last month, they didn’t know what to do with me.  This month, when I checked in, someone gave me an implant, and I suddenly had perfect vision.  Now that’s accommodation!”

Barry Karr, director of CSI, attended the conference, but did not address the audience.  Eyewitnesses say he did speak with Lindsay over a communication device during a break.

“Hello?”  He said.  “Ron, I can barely hear you.  There must be a cosmic ray storm going on outside.  What did you say?  Don’t cancel the conference?  OK, I won’t.  I’m sorry, I can’t make out what you're yelling.  I’m going to hang up now.  Maybe we can talk after the board of directors meeting next weekend?”

Only one security incident was reported.  A female extraterrestrial was projecting a holographic image of a naked old man, with the face of a men’s rights activist crudely inserted into the image.  She was asked to turn off the image, and she complied.

“We don’t want to stoop to their level.”  Said a CSI volunteer to the woman.

As a CFI board member, R. Elisabeth Cornwell decided not to attend this conference to avoid a possible conflict of interest at the next board meeting.  Instead, CFI’s feline fellow, Cassie, addressed the audience with the help of a translation device.  She spoke on the topic of, “Who Speaks for Feminism?”

“As I have shown,” Said Cassie, “groups and leaders will come and go.  Sometimes there will be many leaders to choose from.  Yet even the most charismatic leader is powerless without an active organization.  These organizations require members to work for them, and to give them money.  When you choose an organization to support, you are voting on the direction of the feminism.  You don’t work for them.  They work for you.  So who speaks for Feminism?  You do.  Young or old, gendered or not, you are the only voice that matters!  So speak up, and don’t let anyone intimidate you.”

Many attendees praised the speakers and organizers for putting on a conference with such short notice.

“I have traveled across galaxy.” Said Gi Douk of the Warden Confederation.  “I have seen giant blue stars explode and planets being born.  This.  This conference is the most awe inspiring event I have ever seen.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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