Sunday, June 2, 2013

Secular Student Alliance infiltrates Clow UFO Base


By Reporter X

In what some are calling the greatest security breach in Clow UFO Base history, two University of Chicago students entered the Bolingbrook facility.

“We are conducting a thorough investigation into this 4 hour negative security event.”  Said Dave Parker, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “The infiltrators have been cleared, and I can confirm that they are not in a state of terminal living.”

According to various anonymous sources, two female college students, identified as Sue and Becca, made they way into one of the restricted entrances from Clow Airport to the base.  The women, according to a guard, who did not want her name used, were wearing atheist themed T-shirts, and buttons.

“We’re from the Secular Student Alliance.”  Said Beth, almost giggling.  “We’re here for the tour.”

Said the guard, “I checked the schedule, and I didn’t see any schedule tours.  Then I punched in ‘Secular Student Alliance.’  It didn’t come up on my list of approved groups.”

Before the guard could give one of the scripted responses, a vice-administrator of Clow walk into the room.  

“What group are you with again?”  Ask the vice-administrator.

“Secular Student Alliance.”  Replied Beth.

“I’m sorry.  There must be some kind of mistake on our end.”

The vice-administrator then entered his override code, and printed out two visitor passes.  He then used his communicator to ask the Interstellar Relations Office to provide the students with a Level 10 tour.

Said the guard, “I thought something was up when both women gasped.  Couldn’t override my superior though.”

According to their tour guide, who asked not to be identified, the students were taken on the most extensive tour allowed for civilian supporters.  The tour included stops at the space traffic control center, and short talks with alien ambassadors.

“I was really pleased with Becca.”  Said the tour guide.  “She seemed sad when we started the tour, but you should have seen how she lit up when I showed her our quantum hyper-computers.  She asked how long it would be before they would be made available to humans.  I told her that it would be within her lifetime.  She was really happy.  Then she was really impressed with non-carbon based lifeforms she met.  I just got the feeling that I was inspiring her to look ahead to the future.  That made me feel good.”

Beth, according to the tour guide, “Kept asking lots of questions, and making suggestions on everything from inventions to Earth-Martian Colonies relations.  Some of her ideas had already been tried, but she had a few good suggestions.  I was glad I was able to make a positive impression on the next generation of skeptics/atheists who will cover up the existence of extraterrestrials.”

After a short UFO flight around Chicago, with a detour to the far side of the moon, the students met Mayor Roger Claar.  Claar, after welcoming the students, asked, “So, what does the Secular Student Alliance want to discuss?”

The two students looked at each other, according to an eyewitness, who added that both students looked confused.

Finally, Beth said, “There’s an SSA staff member named Sarah Moglia, who is really awesome, but very sick.  Human science can’t cure her, but maybe our interstellar friends could, if we asked them nicely.”

As Beth and Becca described Moglia’s condition, Claar, picked up a coffee cup, and walked out of the room.  Five minutes later, he returned.

“Why are you really here?”  He sternly asked.  “This time tell the truth.”

Becca replied that they heard about the Cavalcade of Planes at Clow Airport.  They thought, since they were also avid Babbler readers, they would try to find the UFO Base.

“We didn’t really think this was real.”  Said Becca.  “We thought we’d get a lot of funny looks, and then we’d blog about the experience.  We didn’t expect to find a base, and we’re really sorry if we got you in trouble.”

Claar glared at the two students and then left the room.  Thirty minutes later, Jeff Wagg, Clow’s liaison to The New World Order entered the room.

“I just want to let both of you know that I’ve taken care of everything.  Let me escort both of you out of here.”

The students were both relieved, and promised to attend more Chicago Skeptics events.

As Wagg escorted the students into an exit chamber, he promised to “look into Sarah’s situation.”

Once in the chamber, the students’ memories were altered, so they would instead remember getting an extensive tour of the airport.  Both students were then given free airplane tickets to attend both SSA conferences this year.  They happily returned to Chicago.

When this reporter tried to contact Claar, his receptionist said he was on the phone, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Ron, I don’t care what you think of their views.  When a group of people give you money, and are willing to give you more money, you shut up and listen to them!”

When this reporter located both students at a coffee shop near the University of Chicago, they both denied visiting Bolingbrook.

Said Beth, “Ooh!  Becca, this man is from The Babbler!  I wonder if I can use my new DSM-5 book to diagnose him?”

Becca, not looking up from her laptop screen, replied, “You know Kate, Miri, and Chana don’t like it when you talk to believers like that.”

“Oh you know psychology is only my minor.”  Replied Beth.  “My real major is business.”

Becca nodded.  “At least you have a chance at a job when you graduate.  The journalism market is terrible.  I had no choice but to enroll at Northwestern’s graduate journalism program.  Maybe by the time I get my Master’s, they’ll figure out a way to pay bloggers a living wage.”

A young man then walked over to Becca’s table.

“Hello!”  He nervously said.  Becca did not look up.  “I just want to say that your blog has changed my life, and opened my eyes to many things.  You are the most awesome blogger in Chicago!  Thank you for showing me that I am not alone in world full of believing sheep!  I comment on every post you write! My handle is learningcisman!”

“Thank you.”  Becca blankly said, still not looking up from her screen.

The man pulled out a notebook, opened it, and set it down next to Becca.

“Can I have your autograph?”

Her eyes still locked on the screen, she picked up a pen next to her laptop, felt for the notebook, then signed it without looking at the page.

The man grinned as he picked up the notebook.

“Thank you!”  He replied.  “Oh, if you ever need another partner, you know how to e-mail me!”

“OK.”  Becca replied, still not looking up from her screen.

About a minute later, she stopped typing, and looked into the crowd.

“I see you @elevatormra!” She yelled.

A young man with an untrimmed beard jumped up from his table and put on a fedora hat.  

“You’re a (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) and a feminist who deserves to be (expletive deleted)!”

The man stormed out of the cafe.  Seconds later, he opened the front door and yelled, “By the way, I am not a hater!  I just think you’re destroying the secular movement and crushing men with your oppressive blog posts and tweets!  That doesn’t mean I hate you!”

He then left the cafe.

Becca shook her head and turned her attention back to the screen.

“I like having an audience, but I hate being an Internet celebrity.” Said Becca.

Also in The Babbler:

Mutant ticks threaten local pets
Bolingbrook man committed after seeing Patch redesign
Obama to remove citizen’s limbs?
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/5/13


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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