Sunday, June 23, 2013

Mayor Claar rejects emerald ash borers’ ‘terms of surrender’

Bolingbrook’s residents or Chicagoland’s trees?  That’s the ultimatum from Bolingbrook’s emerald ash borer colony.

According to eyewitnesses who just happened to be by Mayor Roger Claar’s home, a man under the borer’s influence presented the list of demands to Claar.  The witnesses say the “terms of surrender” require Bolingbrook’s residents to be injected with larvae.  The larvae will then take control of the host, removing all of its freewill and independent thought.  In return, the borers will stop infesting Chicago’s ash trees.

“You want to turn my residents into zombies?”  Asked Claar.

“We prefer to think of it as relieving humans of their thinking problem.”  Replied the infected man.

The man added that it would be a win-win situation.  The borers would gain hands and the knowledge of Bolingbrook’s residents.  Bolingbrook’s residents wouldn’t be bothered by thinking. Neighboring suburbs would save thousands of dollars in tree removal costs.  Claar would be spared from becoming a host.

Claar, according to the eyewitnesses, made three phone calls then asked the man to follow him.  They walked a few blocks to the nearest infested tree.  A few minutes later, two police cars and a portable tree shredder arrived.  Two officers restrained the man, while a city contractor handed Claar a chainsaw.  Claar started the chainsaw and cut down the tree.  

“This is what I think of your terms of surrender!”  Yelled Claar.  “Even if it costs my village millions of dollars, I will purge your colony!  Your grubs will not turn my voters into slaves, and I’ll be damned if World War Z starts in my village!”

The man was then taken to Adventist Bolingbrook Hospital where doctors are trying to safely remove beetle larvae from the man’s brain.

When called for a comment, Claar’s receptionist replied that he was on a teleconference call with all of Bolingbrook’s surviving former mayors, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Now that we’re all together, I just have one question.  Who came up with the (expletive deleted) idea to plant 13,000 ash trees in our public parkways?”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents warned to look out for falling moon rocks this week
Aliens celebrate Ron Lindsay’s apology
Mole people spotted in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/27/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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