Sunday, June 30, 2013

Clow UFO Base has busiest week ever

Alien craft on approach to Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

The week of 6/23/13 was the busiest week ever for Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“There were people who questioned the wisdom of keeping a UFO Base in the Chicago area.”  Said Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar.  “After this week, I don’t hear their questions.”

Though the officials would not disclose the exact number of arrivals departures, New World Order liaison Jeff Wagg confirmed that the number was close to 5000.

“The NWO is impressed with the professionalism of the staff of Clow UFO Base.”  Said Wagg.  “Even North America’s rural bases would have problems handling this traffic influx.  Clow handled the sudden influx with surprisingly few problems.”

Claar blamed the influx on “a convergence of historic events that just happened to affect the Chicago area.

The influx started, according to sources, the day after the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup.  Many wanted to get a good spot in line for the Cup’s July 4th visit to Clow UFO Base.  Others wanted to apply for Chicago flyover passes for the victory parade.

“We’re very pleased that over a 100 cloaked alien craft were present at the parade, and not one of them appeared on television!”  Said Wagg.  “It also helped that the Chicago Sun-Times fired their photography staff.  Cell phone cameras are no match for interstellar cloaks.”

Added Interstellar Sports Rules Association commissioner Blagk, “Hockey is amazing.  It must take great mental concentration to follow a fast moving slab of plastic.  Even your greatest players succumb to violent urges when playing this game.  Your Blackhawks are shining examples of mentally and physically superior athletes!”

Clow officials also reported a surge in passes to fly over the Chicago Pride Parade.

Gulk Dokock, one such applicant from Kepler 66, said it was important to celebrate this year’s event.  

“It is a sign of progress that your larger political unit will recognize the gay marriages of some of its small political subdivisions.”  Said Dokock, who added, “Chicago has the best parade of real humans showing of their real sexuality.  San Francisco is full too many humans who think they are aliens.  We like watching real humans, like the ones in Chicago.”

Some visitors made last minutes plans following an announced boycott of UFO Bases in the Southern United States.  The boycott was announced following the US Supreme Court’s overturning section 4 of the Voting Rights Act.

Said one anonymous boycotter, “I like visiting your rural woods and swamps, but the fact is, if your Southern governments hate fellow humans because of the color of their skin, then what would they think of us?”

More alien craft diverted to Clow when spread of Area 51’s life support systems breaking down during a record setting heat wave.

“Earth is excessively hot, but this heat wave was too much.”  Said Ploblur, a scientist from Pluto.  “At Clow, you can visit the local water park, or take a subway to Chicago’s beaches.  The Chicago area has just the right amount of oppressive heat.  Only people from Venus would want to visit Area 51 right now.”

Other former Area 51 visitors, who asked not to be identified, claim that Area 51 has very little regard for the safety of its residents.

“The staff there as an autopsy fetish!”  Said one anonymous source.  “They see the heat wave as an opportunity to get more dead bodies.  I don’t want to end up on their cutting table with my remains displayed on your Fox TV!”

Area 51 officials could not be reached for comment.

Claar expects Clow’s traffic to return to normal levels in two weeks.

“We’re expecting more visitors for our All American Celebration on July 4.”  Said Claar.  “We hope many of these visitors will go to the Bolingbrook Golf Club to experience the only real way to watch fireworks.  Why watch in the air, when they can enjoy an all you can eat buffet, food pavilions, and free concerts?  If you’re going to travel light years to visit Bolingbrook you don’t want to miss this chance to meet and greet our residents!”

Also in The Babbler:

Troll attacks Chicago Skeptics members
Obama fires cooling ray at Chicago
Alex Jones is a NWO agent!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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