Sunday, June 16, 2013

Chicagoans outraged over ‘I feel safe in Chicago’ petition

Chicago resident Jacob Parkerson says he has never been mugged or murdered in Chicago. Now he’s circulating a petition to have “real Chicagoans” stand up to the “professional victims” he says are harming Chicago’s reputation.

“I can’t enjoy the weekend without media whining about someone getting shot.”  Said Parkerson.  “If crime is such a problem in Chicago, how come I’ve never been a victim?”

In his petition, he asks Chicagoans to stand up to the “liberal media” and “union thugs” who he feels perpetuate the myth that Chicago has a crime problem.  

“Unions want the city to hire more police officers.”  Said Parkerson.  “The liberal media wants sensational stories they can use to sell more ads.  So of course they’re in this coverup together.  Any true skeptic can see that!”

Parkerson won’t say how many people have signed his online petition, but did say, “it is a lot!”

David Z. Teller, a Chicagoan living in the Washington Park Neighborhood, accuses “union thugs” of paying poor residents and tourists to be “crime victims.” 

“What probably happens is that some union guy walks up to someone and says, ‘we’ll pay your medical bills if you let us shoot you.’  The guy says, sure, he gets shot, and presto.  Fame and free medical care!  If people were really being shot, you think I’d hear more gun shots.  I don’t.  I wish people would follow true skepticism, and stand up to the professional victims.”

Parkerson complains that he receives hundreds of e-mails from “professional complainers” who say they’ve been victims of crime.

“They’re stories just don’t add up.”  Said Parkerson.  “So I think they’re just looking for the mayor to give them more money.  I mean come on.  They really expect us to believe that crime will suddenly increase if schools are closed?  Of course not.  More students will just be crowded into the same building, that’s all.  That should lead to less crime as more people get to know each other.  I’m sure Steven Pinker would agree with me.”

Parkerson also denied that some of signers of his petition were gang members.

“Gangs don’t exist.”  Said Parkerson.  “Everyone knows that the only crime groups in Chicago were the mob.  Since I’ve never been the victim of a crime, I know they’re long gone.  A true skeptic would recognize that!”

Drake, one of the alleged gang members on the petition, refused to talk about his “group affiliations” but insisted that he always feels safe in his neighborhood.

“All you have to do is wear the right colors, flash the right signs, and know the right people, and you’ll be perfectly safe.  People just don’t like me because my politics are different from theirs.”  

Drake blamed the “crime myth” on over zealous “union members.”

“They bribe the government into making so many laws that they make everyone a criminal.  Heck, they even turned true skeptic Brian Dunning into a criminal for taking money from eBay.  How messed up is that?”

A spokesperson for Chicago Police Department laughed at Parkerson’s claim, and invited this reporter to examine court records.

“Sure, the majority of residents won’t be murdered or be the victim of a crime.”  Said the spokesperson.  “That doesn’t change the fact that some people are the victims of crimes.  We have physical evidence for the crimes.  We have eyewitnesses.  We have confessions in some cases.  No one is saying that Chicago is in a state of anarchy.  We’re saying that how a city treats its crime victims, and protects its residents is a reflection on that city.  Sure we may be overwhelmed right now, but that is no excuse for anyone, true skeptic or not, to ignore the problem.”

An “acting official” for Chicago Skeptics denied any involvement in the petition, and said that none of their members call themselves “true skeptics.”

“We understand that people can look at the same thing rationally, and come to different conclusions.  As long as base your arguments on facts, they you’re a skeptic.”

Parkerson will submit his petition to the mayor, “When I feel we have enough signatures.”

As of this writing, the Babbler’s phone lines are jammed with phone calls for Chicago neighborhood watches, anti crime activists, and crime victims, disputing Parkerson’s claims.

Also in The Babbler:

Google denies Glass will turn users into slaves
Chicago Zombies announce shamble-a-thon
Northern Will County Water Commission considers importing ice from Pluto
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/21/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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