Saturday, June 22, 2013

Breaking: CFI’s Ron Lindsay apologizes to extraterrestrial representatives

By Reporter X

Center for Inquiry’s CEO Ron Lindsay apologized to the extraterrestrial community for his conduct during the Women in Secularism 2 conference.

In a message transmitted to representatives of the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science at Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, Lindsay apologized in a statement similar to the one posted on CFI’s web page.  CFI’s affiliate organization, The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, represents Earth’s skeptical movement, along with the recently promoted Skepchick Network.

During the conference, Lindsay’s conduct offended many participants and alien observers.  During his opening speech, he did not welcome the paying attendees.  Instead, he accused them using the concept of “privilege” to silence men.  After the speech, he engaged in an Internet flame war with Rebecca Watson.  At one point, he accused her of being from an “alternate universe”, and similar to a North Korean propagandist. Some observers claim that Lindsay did not attend the speeches and panel discussions.  They also say he skipped a fundraising dinner during the conference.

Lindsay’s conduct sparked protests at most of Earth’s UFO bases.  Alien feminists and gender rights supporters demanded Lindsay’s resignation, and some demanded the removal of CSI as an ambassador organization.  Some felt they had been mislead into believe that CFI supported gender equality, and opposed the harassment of feminist activists.

Many of the protests became violent, resulting in close to 1000 deaths.  Most of the causalities occurred at China’s Xi27 base when officials activated the self-destruct device in response to an anti-CSI march.  In the US, 60 aliens were killed at Area 51 when riot police opened fire on protestors.  All the incidences are under investigation.

In his remarks to the IAAS, Lindsay added, “Since May, too many lives have been lost as the result of my conduct.  I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused and for the lives that have been taken away.  This will haunt me for the rest of my life.”

Sources within CSI say that Lindsay has issued a a directive allowing CSI ambassadors to work with Skepchick’s ambassadors.

“The skeptical movement might be divided,” said one source, “but Ron is right.  Both groups need to work together so we can cover up the existence of aliens, and promote skepticism among our constitutes. We may have different leaders, but we are working towards the same cause.”

Though no official statement has been released, contacts within IAAS say they feel that Lindsay’s apologies are a promising start to easing tensions between CFI and the interstellar community.  The sources also said that IAAS will demand that the New World Order cease their violent crackdown of protests at Earth’s UFO bases.

Sources within CFI also confirm that Lindsay personally apologized to CFI’s regional branch leaders.

“Ron doesn’t like to apologize.”  Said one branch official, who asked not to be identified.  “So while outsiders aren’t going to like his apology, we’re just impressed that he apologized at all.”

Alien feminist groups have yet to comment on Lindsay’s apology, but one alien Men’s Rights group announced they were canceling their fundraiser for CSI.

“We are sadden to learn that Lindsay has lost his male appendage.” Read the Society for Interstellar Men's Rights' press release.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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