Sunday, June 9, 2013

Bolingbrook’s Weredeer Awareness Program receiving data from the NSA?

Is the National Security Agency providing cell phone, computer and tracking data to Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs?  Sources say department is using this information about every Bolingbrook resident to track the local weredeer population.

While the Department of Paranormal Affairs denies the allegation, anonymous sources within the department claim they the NSA provides them with every resident’s cell phone records, and Internet messages.  The NSA also provides the department with computer tools to categorize this intelligence

Said John, who asked that we not use his last name, “This is a valuable tool in our efforts to protect Bolingbrook from possible weredeer attacks.  Sure you can whine about your rights, but how would you feel if you’re out hunting deer, and suddenly one of them starts shooting back at you?  We also want to make sure people can shop at The Promenade and never experience the horror of seeing a weredeer in war deer from.”

According to the sources, weredeer can be targeted for surveillance because they not recognized as voting residents of Bolingbrook.  After threatened attacks by the Weredeer Liberation Front in 2009, Bolingbrook began working on WAP to anticipate and prevent weredeer attacks.  

“It was tough at first.”  Said Steve, another source within the department.  “We thought we’d have to issue a covert bond to cover the expense of installing more hidden cameras.  Fortunately someone from the NSA mentioned to (Mayor Roger Claar) that they were already tracking our residents.  Then it was just a matter of buying the computers capable of handing the information for our purposes.

According to John, Bolingbrook does not actively monitor the information as it arrives.  Instead, they enter a query for a known weredeer, then start tracking the people that weredeer has contacted then track the people those others have contacted as well.

“You do end up with everyone’s information if you go at it long enough.”  Said John.  “Hey, either you give up your privacy, or you run the risk of getting by attacked by a weredeer.”

WAP supporters claim that the program has prevented “countless” attacks against Bolingbrook.  They also note that since weredeer can only mate with deer or humans, many male weredeer will enter consensual relationships, then leave once their female partner is pregnant.  WAP, they say, allows Bolingbrook to collect child support payments from them.

Critics, like former Jaycee June X Parker, say the program stigmatizes weredeer who want to be constructive residents of Bolingbrook.

“You’re not protecting Bolingbrook residents by taking away their privacy.  You’re taking away their privacy and angering the local weredeer.”

Parker adds, that the weredeer who attack humans live among Will County’s deer population.  They don’t use cell phones or computers, according to her.  

She also worries that the information about human residents could fall into the hands of Claar or the police.

Steve denied that this information is given directly to other government officials.  He did concede that Claar and police officers have been in the room while searches are being conducted.

“They’re not looking directly at the screen.”  Said Steve.  “But they might overhear an employee reading out loud.”

John says that this is not the only paranormal project the NSA shares information with.

“I’ve heard that Chicago Red Squad has their own program to track cell phone zombies.  So really, its nothing to be concerned about.  We all just want our residents to feel sedure.”

When asked to comment, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel said, “I’ve got enough votes on the city council to impose an annoying tabloid tax on you!  Don’t (expletive deleted) with me!”

Claar denied the existence of WAP and added, “Don’t drag me into this NSA story!”

Also in The Babbler:

Congratulations to the class of 2013!
Soviets fire cooling ray at Chicago
Chicago stop mad geologist from fracking Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/13/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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