Sunday, June 30, 2013

Clow UFO Base has busiest week ever

Alien craft on approach to Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

The week of 6/23/13 was the busiest week ever for Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“There were people who questioned the wisdom of keeping a UFO Base in the Chicago area.”  Said Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar.  “After this week, I don’t hear their questions.”

Though the officials would not disclose the exact number of arrivals departures, New World Order liaison Jeff Wagg confirmed that the number was close to 5000.

“The NWO is impressed with the professionalism of the staff of Clow UFO Base.”  Said Wagg.  “Even North America’s rural bases would have problems handling this traffic influx.  Clow handled the sudden influx with surprisingly few problems.”

Claar blamed the influx on “a convergence of historic events that just happened to affect the Chicago area.

The influx started, according to sources, the day after the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup.  Many wanted to get a good spot in line for the Cup’s July 4th visit to Clow UFO Base.  Others wanted to apply for Chicago flyover passes for the victory parade.

“We’re very pleased that over a 100 cloaked alien craft were present at the parade, and not one of them appeared on television!”  Said Wagg.  “It also helped that the Chicago Sun-Times fired their photography staff.  Cell phone cameras are no match for interstellar cloaks.”

Added Interstellar Sports Rules Association commissioner Blagk, “Hockey is amazing.  It must take great mental concentration to follow a fast moving slab of plastic.  Even your greatest players succumb to violent urges when playing this game.  Your Blackhawks are shining examples of mentally and physically superior athletes!”

Clow officials also reported a surge in passes to fly over the Chicago Pride Parade.

Gulk Dokock, one such applicant from Kepler 66, said it was important to celebrate this year’s event.  

“It is a sign of progress that your larger political unit will recognize the gay marriages of some of its small political subdivisions.”  Said Dokock, who added, “Chicago has the best parade of real humans showing of their real sexuality.  San Francisco is full too many humans who think they are aliens.  We like watching real humans, like the ones in Chicago.”

Some visitors made last minutes plans following an announced boycott of UFO Bases in the Southern United States.  The boycott was announced following the US Supreme Court’s overturning section 4 of the Voting Rights Act.

Said one anonymous boycotter, “I like visiting your rural woods and swamps, but the fact is, if your Southern governments hate fellow humans because of the color of their skin, then what would they think of us?”

More alien craft diverted to Clow when spread of Area 51’s life support systems breaking down during a record setting heat wave.

“Earth is excessively hot, but this heat wave was too much.”  Said Ploblur, a scientist from Pluto.  “At Clow, you can visit the local water park, or take a subway to Chicago’s beaches.  The Chicago area has just the right amount of oppressive heat.  Only people from Venus would want to visit Area 51 right now.”

Other former Area 51 visitors, who asked not to be identified, claim that Area 51 has very little regard for the safety of its residents.

“The staff there as an autopsy fetish!”  Said one anonymous source.  “They see the heat wave as an opportunity to get more dead bodies.  I don’t want to end up on their cutting table with my remains displayed on your Fox TV!”

Area 51 officials could not be reached for comment.

Claar expects Clow’s traffic to return to normal levels in two weeks.

“We’re expecting more visitors for our All American Celebration on July 4.”  Said Claar.  “We hope many of these visitors will go to the Bolingbrook Golf Club to experience the only real way to watch fireworks.  Why watch in the air, when they can enjoy an all you can eat buffet, food pavilions, and free concerts?  If you’re going to travel light years to visit Bolingbrook you don’t want to miss this chance to meet and greet our residents!”

Also in The Babbler:

Troll attacks Chicago Skeptics members
Obama fires cooling ray at Chicago
Alex Jones is a NWO agent!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Mayor Claar rejects emerald ash borers’ ‘terms of surrender’

Bolingbrook’s residents or Chicagoland’s trees?  That’s the ultimatum from Bolingbrook’s emerald ash borer colony.

According to eyewitnesses who just happened to be by Mayor Roger Claar’s home, a man under the borer’s influence presented the list of demands to Claar.  The witnesses say the “terms of surrender” require Bolingbrook’s residents to be injected with larvae.  The larvae will then take control of the host, removing all of its freewill and independent thought.  In return, the borers will stop infesting Chicago’s ash trees.

“You want to turn my residents into zombies?”  Asked Claar.

“We prefer to think of it as relieving humans of their thinking problem.”  Replied the infected man.

The man added that it would be a win-win situation.  The borers would gain hands and the knowledge of Bolingbrook’s residents.  Bolingbrook’s residents wouldn’t be bothered by thinking. Neighboring suburbs would save thousands of dollars in tree removal costs.  Claar would be spared from becoming a host.

Claar, according to the eyewitnesses, made three phone calls then asked the man to follow him.  They walked a few blocks to the nearest infested tree.  A few minutes later, two police cars and a portable tree shredder arrived.  Two officers restrained the man, while a city contractor handed Claar a chainsaw.  Claar started the chainsaw and cut down the tree.  

“This is what I think of your terms of surrender!”  Yelled Claar.  “Even if it costs my village millions of dollars, I will purge your colony!  Your grubs will not turn my voters into slaves, and I’ll be damned if World War Z starts in my village!”

The man was then taken to Adventist Bolingbrook Hospital where doctors are trying to safely remove beetle larvae from the man’s brain.

When called for a comment, Claar’s receptionist replied that he was on a teleconference call with all of Bolingbrook’s surviving former mayors, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Now that we’re all together, I just have one question.  Who came up with the (expletive deleted) idea to plant 13,000 ash trees in our public parkways?”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents warned to look out for falling moon rocks this week
Aliens celebrate Ron Lindsay’s apology
Mole people spotted in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/27/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Breaking: CFI’s Ron Lindsay apologizes to extraterrestrial representatives

By Reporter X

Center for Inquiry’s CEO Ron Lindsay apologized to the extraterrestrial community for his conduct during the Women in Secularism 2 conference.

In a message transmitted to representatives of the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science at Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, Lindsay apologized in a statement similar to the one posted on CFI’s web page.  CFI’s affiliate organization, The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, represents Earth’s skeptical movement, along with the recently promoted Skepchick Network.

During the conference, Lindsay’s conduct offended many participants and alien observers.  During his opening speech, he did not welcome the paying attendees.  Instead, he accused them using the concept of “privilege” to silence men.  After the speech, he engaged in an Internet flame war with Rebecca Watson.  At one point, he accused her of being from an “alternate universe”, and similar to a North Korean propagandist. Some observers claim that Lindsay did not attend the speeches and panel discussions.  They also say he skipped a fundraising dinner during the conference.

Lindsay’s conduct sparked protests at most of Earth’s UFO bases.  Alien feminists and gender rights supporters demanded Lindsay’s resignation, and some demanded the removal of CSI as an ambassador organization.  Some felt they had been mislead into believe that CFI supported gender equality, and opposed the harassment of feminist activists.

Many of the protests became violent, resulting in close to 1000 deaths.  Most of the causalities occurred at China’s Xi27 base when officials activated the self-destruct device in response to an anti-CSI march.  In the US, 60 aliens were killed at Area 51 when riot police opened fire on protestors.  All the incidences are under investigation.

In his remarks to the IAAS, Lindsay added, “Since May, too many lives have been lost as the result of my conduct.  I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused and for the lives that have been taken away.  This will haunt me for the rest of my life.”

Sources within CSI say that Lindsay has issued a a directive allowing CSI ambassadors to work with Skepchick’s ambassadors.

“The skeptical movement might be divided,” said one source, “but Ron is right.  Both groups need to work together so we can cover up the existence of aliens, and promote skepticism among our constitutes. We may have different leaders, but we are working towards the same cause.”

Though no official statement has been released, contacts within IAAS say they feel that Lindsay’s apologies are a promising start to easing tensions between CFI and the interstellar community.  The sources also said that IAAS will demand that the New World Order cease their violent crackdown of protests at Earth’s UFO bases.

Sources within CFI also confirm that Lindsay personally apologized to CFI’s regional branch leaders.

“Ron doesn’t like to apologize.”  Said one branch official, who asked not to be identified.  “So while outsiders aren’t going to like his apology, we’re just impressed that he apologized at all.”

Alien feminist groups have yet to comment on Lindsay’s apology, but one alien Men’s Rights group announced they were canceling their fundraiser for CSI.

“We are sadden to learn that Lindsay has lost his male appendage.” Read the Society for Interstellar Men's Rights' press release.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Web Exclusive: Skepchick Network upgraded to interstellar skeptical ambassador organization

By Reporter X

The Skepchick Network, founded by controversial skeptic Rebecca Watson, and The Center for Skeptical Inquiry will now represent the skeptical movement to the Interstellar community.

The Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science announced the decision following an emergency meeting at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Skepchick will represent the feminist faction of the skeptical movement.  CSI, and it’s parent organization, The Center for Inquiry, will represent the “true skeptics”/antifeminism faction.  This is the first time Earth’s skeptical movement has been represented by two different organizations at the same time.

“It is our opinion that your so-called ‘deep rifts’ will not be resolved within the next 500 years.”  Said IAAS president Glo Po’got.  “We can no longer pretend that one organization represents the majority of skeptics.  Instead we will coordinate our efforts with the two major organizations on each side of the rift.”

Po’got said the decision was reached following a statement released by CFI’s board of directors regarding their controversial “Women in Secularism Conference.”  Leading up to the conference, secular antifeminists flooded the event’s Twitter hashtags with attacks aginst the conference, and its speakers.  One even tried to get the Westboro Baptist Church to protest the event.  During the opening of the conference, CFI’s CEO Ron Lindsay  opened the event, not by welcoming the attendees, but instead accusing them of using the theory of “privilege” to silence men.  After his speech, Lindsay then spent the rest of the conference engaged in an Internet Flame War with Watson.  

In response, CFI’s board of directors expressed it’s “unhappiness” that the event was controversial.  

Angered by CFI’s lack of an apology, Watson announced a boycott of CFI, and author Greta Christina severed almost all ties to CFI.

Said Po’got, “It is sad to see your movement divided again, but like a severed bock fish to a gloop, we will work together to teach humanity to understand science and embrace critical thinking.

Watson, who was also at the press conference, announced that Skepchick would have consulates every UFO base on Earth.  

“We have some awesome people read to staff these posts.”  Said Watson.  “Our staff will represent the diversity of humanity.”  Watson also announced that she was planning on adding a ninth blog to her network, Skepchick Milky Way.

“Milky, if I can call it that, will bring together the best extraterrestrial bloggers to teach high security clearance skeptics how to overcome it’s privilege and embrace universal social justice.”

She concluded by saying that one of her first acts would be to restore PZ Myers’s Alpha 1 Security Clearance.

A spokesperson from CSI stated that they were happy to keep their ambassador organization status, and promised to work with Skepchick, “As long as Ron doesn’t find out about it.”

A spokesperson for the New World Order, which manages Earth’s UFO bases, promised to secure both organizations consulates.  Harassment from either side, she added, would not be tolerated.

“Operative Jeff Wagg said that the future of skepticism is factionalism.  While we wish it wasn’t true, the NWO will make sure that all skeptical factions can coexist peacefully at our facilities.”

Po’Got concluded the press conference by saying that more skeptical organizations could be granted ambassador status in the future, including the James Randi Education Foundation.

“If they pay off their debt, and can show up they can make regular payments in the future, we will consider reinstating them as an ambassador organization.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Chicagoans outraged over ‘I feel safe in Chicago’ petition

Chicago resident Jacob Parkerson says he has never been mugged or murdered in Chicago. Now he’s circulating a petition to have “real Chicagoans” stand up to the “professional victims” he says are harming Chicago’s reputation.

“I can’t enjoy the weekend without media whining about someone getting shot.”  Said Parkerson.  “If crime is such a problem in Chicago, how come I’ve never been a victim?”

In his petition, he asks Chicagoans to stand up to the “liberal media” and “union thugs” who he feels perpetuate the myth that Chicago has a crime problem.  

“Unions want the city to hire more police officers.”  Said Parkerson.  “The liberal media wants sensational stories they can use to sell more ads.  So of course they’re in this coverup together.  Any true skeptic can see that!”

Parkerson won’t say how many people have signed his online petition, but did say, “it is a lot!”

David Z. Teller, a Chicagoan living in the Washington Park Neighborhood, accuses “union thugs” of paying poor residents and tourists to be “crime victims.” 

“What probably happens is that some union guy walks up to someone and says, ‘we’ll pay your medical bills if you let us shoot you.’  The guy says, sure, he gets shot, and presto.  Fame and free medical care!  If people were really being shot, you think I’d hear more gun shots.  I don’t.  I wish people would follow true skepticism, and stand up to the professional victims.”

Parkerson complains that he receives hundreds of e-mails from “professional complainers” who say they’ve been victims of crime.

“They’re stories just don’t add up.”  Said Parkerson.  “So I think they’re just looking for the mayor to give them more money.  I mean come on.  They really expect us to believe that crime will suddenly increase if schools are closed?  Of course not.  More students will just be crowded into the same building, that’s all.  That should lead to less crime as more people get to know each other.  I’m sure Steven Pinker would agree with me.”

Parkerson also denied that some of signers of his petition were gang members.

“Gangs don’t exist.”  Said Parkerson.  “Everyone knows that the only crime groups in Chicago were the mob.  Since I’ve never been the victim of a crime, I know they’re long gone.  A true skeptic would recognize that!”

Drake, one of the alleged gang members on the petition, refused to talk about his “group affiliations” but insisted that he always feels safe in his neighborhood.

“All you have to do is wear the right colors, flash the right signs, and know the right people, and you’ll be perfectly safe.  People just don’t like me because my politics are different from theirs.”  

Drake blamed the “crime myth” on over zealous “union members.”

“They bribe the government into making so many laws that they make everyone a criminal.  Heck, they even turned true skeptic Brian Dunning into a criminal for taking money from eBay.  How messed up is that?”

A spokesperson for Chicago Police Department laughed at Parkerson’s claim, and invited this reporter to examine court records.

“Sure, the majority of residents won’t be murdered or be the victim of a crime.”  Said the spokesperson.  “That doesn’t change the fact that some people are the victims of crimes.  We have physical evidence for the crimes.  We have eyewitnesses.  We have confessions in some cases.  No one is saying that Chicago is in a state of anarchy.  We’re saying that how a city treats its crime victims, and protects its residents is a reflection on that city.  Sure we may be overwhelmed right now, but that is no excuse for anyone, true skeptic or not, to ignore the problem.”

An “acting official” for Chicago Skeptics denied any involvement in the petition, and said that none of their members call themselves “true skeptics.”

“We understand that people can look at the same thing rationally, and come to different conclusions.  As long as base your arguments on facts, they you’re a skeptic.”

Parkerson will submit his petition to the mayor, “When I feel we have enough signatures.”

As of this writing, the Babbler’s phone lines are jammed with phone calls for Chicago neighborhood watches, anti crime activists, and crime victims, disputing Parkerson’s claims.

Also in The Babbler:

Google denies Glass will turn users into slaves
Chicago Zombies announce shamble-a-thon
Northern Will County Water Commission considers importing ice from Pluto
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/21/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Anti-psychic Kitty Speaks: Save Cosmoquest and look up at the stars!

Anti-psychic kitty is the world’s most skeptical animal on Earth, and a Center for Skeptical Inquiry Fellow.  He is jointly cared for by The Babbler, and CSI.  The views expressed in the column are not necessarily those of The Babbler.

For thousands of years, humans and smart cats looked up to the stars in awe.  Humans wondered what they were, and how they fit into the grand scheme of the universe.  Cats had a good idea of how they fit, but were still curious about the stars above.

Fortunately, humans discovered astronomy, and started learning the answers to the deep questions of the universe.  Unfortunately, the US government’s budget sequester threatens science education in the United States.  Many programs will be suspended, including Cosmoquest, which is run by famed skeptic Dr. Pamela Gay.

Cosmoquest not only provides educational materials for science classrooms, and produces the 365 days of Astronomy Podcast, they also run three crowd-sourced projects.  Through Cosmoquest, you can help NASA map Mercury, The Moon, and the asteroid Vesta.  Why leave astronomy to just the astronomers when you can help out too?

To keep Cosmoquest up and running, they will be holding a 32 hour online hang-out-athon on June 15.  Their goal is to raise $200,000. Now I know I should be skeptical, but I really want them to succeed, and to keep teaching us about the wonders of the universe.  Phil Plait will be on to help them out.  Maybe you can help out too?  Skeptics, instead of talking about science at The Amazing Meeting, consider donating your $400 to an actual science education program!

After helping out Cosmoquest, you might want to look at the stars, but don’t want to deal with all the light pollution in the Chicago area.  Women Thinking Inc. can help!  They’re hosting a skeptics under the stars campout from July 26 through July 28 in Delevan, WI.  It is $125 for two nights, or $100 for just Saturday night.  Saturday night will include a tour of Yerkes Observatory, and dinner.  Nicole Gugliucci, the Noisy Astronomer, will cohost the event.  If you ask nicely, she might answer your questions about black holes.

We all like to look up at the stars and wonder.  These two events can help you catch up on what we’ve learned so far.  I can’t go to the campout, but maybe I’ll catch you at the hangout!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Web exclusive: Clow UFO Base hosts Women in Secularism 2.1 conference

By Reporter X

Approximately 10,000 humans and aliens attended the Women in Secularism 2.1 conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  It was the second largest conference ever hosted by Clow.

“Any skeptical conference that doesn’t end in a riot is a good one.”  Said Bolingbrook Mayor and Clow UFO Base Administrator Roger Claar.

WiS 2.1 was organized following the controversial Women in Secularism 2 conference held in May 2013.  Attendees accused Center for Inquiry CEO Ron Lindsay of being condescending towards them in his opening remarks.  Some speakers say his remarks overshadowed the conference, offended feminists, and emboldened Men’s Rights Activists to step up harassment their harassment of some of the invited speakers.

Extraterrestrial allies of Earth’s secular feminist movement turned their anger towards the CFI affiliated group, Committee for Skeptical Inquiry.  CSI is the liaison organization between Earth’s skeptical movement and the Interstellar Community.  Extraterrestrials staged protests around CSI consulates around the world.  While some were peaceful, many devolved into riots.  After a riot at Area 51 resulted in 56 deaths, The New World Order and CSI met with the leading interstellar feminist and gender rights groups.  CSI then agreed to “re-host” Women in Secularism 2 at Clow UFO base.

“Unlike the first one,” Said an anonymous CSI source, “this one was easier to organize.  We already knew who the speakers were, and the NWO was taking care of all expenses and ‘arrangements.’  We knew that we’d have a large audience of aliens, so making money was no problem.  All but one of the speakers wanted a second chance to get the conference right.  Still, we were quite nervous.  We couldn’t afford to mess this up a second time.”

To many, that meant the introduction speech had to be perfect.  Melody Hensley, Executive director of CFI-DC and organizer of the previous WIS conferences, approached the podium in front of a nervous audience.  After hesitating for a few moments, she said, “Gathered sentient beings!  The Center for Skeptical Inquiry welcomes you to Women in Secularism 2.1!”

The audience replied with a 10 minute standing ovation.

Many of the speakers and panelists publicly praised the improvements from last month’s conference.  During her presentation, Ophelia Benson, columnist and blogger, looked at the Interstellar Internet feed, and remarked, “I must say, it is so nice to look at this screen and not be faced with a deluge of hate filled tweets.  I see some tweets disagreeing with me, but they’re civil.  Believe it or not, I like civil!”

“Me too!”  Exclaimed Stephanie Zvan, blogger and associate president of Minnesota Atheists.

A man who previously attended WiS 2, agreed that this conference had improved.

“I’m visually impaired.”  Said the man, who asked not to be identified.  “Last month, they didn’t know what to do with me.  This month, when I checked in, someone gave me an implant, and I suddenly had perfect vision.  Now that’s accommodation!”

Barry Karr, director of CSI, attended the conference, but did not address the audience.  Eyewitnesses say he did speak with Lindsay over a communication device during a break.

“Hello?”  He said.  “Ron, I can barely hear you.  There must be a cosmic ray storm going on outside.  What did you say?  Don’t cancel the conference?  OK, I won’t.  I’m sorry, I can’t make out what you're yelling.  I’m going to hang up now.  Maybe we can talk after the board of directors meeting next weekend?”

Only one security incident was reported.  A female extraterrestrial was projecting a holographic image of a naked old man, with the face of a men’s rights activist crudely inserted into the image.  She was asked to turn off the image, and she complied.

“We don’t want to stoop to their level.”  Said a CSI volunteer to the woman.

As a CFI board member, R. Elisabeth Cornwell decided not to attend this conference to avoid a possible conflict of interest at the next board meeting.  Instead, CFI’s feline fellow, Cassie, addressed the audience with the help of a translation device.  She spoke on the topic of, “Who Speaks for Feminism?”

“As I have shown,” Said Cassie, “groups and leaders will come and go.  Sometimes there will be many leaders to choose from.  Yet even the most charismatic leader is powerless without an active organization.  These organizations require members to work for them, and to give them money.  When you choose an organization to support, you are voting on the direction of the feminism.  You don’t work for them.  They work for you.  So who speaks for Feminism?  You do.  Young or old, gendered or not, you are the only voice that matters!  So speak up, and don’t let anyone intimidate you.”

Many attendees praised the speakers and organizers for putting on a conference with such short notice.

“I have traveled across galaxy.” Said Gi Douk of the Warden Confederation.  “I have seen giant blue stars explode and planets being born.  This.  This conference is the most awe inspiring event I have ever seen.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Bolingbrook’s Weredeer Awareness Program receiving data from the NSA?

Is the National Security Agency providing cell phone, computer and tracking data to Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs?  Sources say department is using this information about every Bolingbrook resident to track the local weredeer population.

While the Department of Paranormal Affairs denies the allegation, anonymous sources within the department claim they the NSA provides them with every resident’s cell phone records, and Internet messages.  The NSA also provides the department with computer tools to categorize this intelligence

Said John, who asked that we not use his last name, “This is a valuable tool in our efforts to protect Bolingbrook from possible weredeer attacks.  Sure you can whine about your rights, but how would you feel if you’re out hunting deer, and suddenly one of them starts shooting back at you?  We also want to make sure people can shop at The Promenade and never experience the horror of seeing a weredeer in war deer from.”

According to the sources, weredeer can be targeted for surveillance because they not recognized as voting residents of Bolingbrook.  After threatened attacks by the Weredeer Liberation Front in 2009, Bolingbrook began working on WAP to anticipate and prevent weredeer attacks.  

“It was tough at first.”  Said Steve, another source within the department.  “We thought we’d have to issue a covert bond to cover the expense of installing more hidden cameras.  Fortunately someone from the NSA mentioned to (Mayor Roger Claar) that they were already tracking our residents.  Then it was just a matter of buying the computers capable of handing the information for our purposes.

According to John, Bolingbrook does not actively monitor the information as it arrives.  Instead, they enter a query for a known weredeer, then start tracking the people that weredeer has contacted then track the people those others have contacted as well.

“You do end up with everyone’s information if you go at it long enough.”  Said John.  “Hey, either you give up your privacy, or you run the risk of getting by attacked by a weredeer.”

WAP supporters claim that the program has prevented “countless” attacks against Bolingbrook.  They also note that since weredeer can only mate with deer or humans, many male weredeer will enter consensual relationships, then leave once their female partner is pregnant.  WAP, they say, allows Bolingbrook to collect child support payments from them.

Critics, like former Jaycee June X Parker, say the program stigmatizes weredeer who want to be constructive residents of Bolingbrook.

“You’re not protecting Bolingbrook residents by taking away their privacy.  You’re taking away their privacy and angering the local weredeer.”

Parker adds, that the weredeer who attack humans live among Will County’s deer population.  They don’t use cell phones or computers, according to her.  

She also worries that the information about human residents could fall into the hands of Claar or the police.

Steve denied that this information is given directly to other government officials.  He did concede that Claar and police officers have been in the room while searches are being conducted.

“They’re not looking directly at the screen.”  Said Steve.  “But they might overhear an employee reading out loud.”

John says that this is not the only paranormal project the NSA shares information with.

“I’ve heard that Chicago Red Squad has their own program to track cell phone zombies.  So really, its nothing to be concerned about.  We all just want our residents to feel sedure.”

When asked to comment, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel said, “I’ve got enough votes on the city council to impose an annoying tabloid tax on you!  Don’t (expletive deleted) with me!”

Claar denied the existence of WAP and added, “Don’t drag me into this NSA story!”

Also in The Babbler:

Congratulations to the class of 2013!
Soviets fire cooling ray at Chicago
Chicago stop mad geologist from fracking Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/13/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Secular Student Alliance infiltrates Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

In what some are calling the greatest security breach in Clow UFO Base history, two University of Chicago students entered the Bolingbrook facility.

“We are conducting a thorough investigation into this 4 hour negative security event.”  Said Dave Parker, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “The infiltrators have been cleared, and I can confirm that they are not in a state of terminal living.”

According to various anonymous sources, two female college students, identified as Sue and Becca, made they way into one of the restricted entrances from Clow Airport to the base.  The women, according to a guard, who did not want her name used, were wearing atheist themed T-shirts, and buttons.

“We’re from the Secular Student Alliance.”  Said Beth, almost giggling.  “We’re here for the tour.”

Said the guard, “I checked the schedule, and I didn’t see any schedule tours.  Then I punched in ‘Secular Student Alliance.’  It didn’t come up on my list of approved groups.”

Before the guard could give one of the scripted responses, a vice-administrator of Clow walk into the room.  

“What group are you with again?”  Ask the vice-administrator.

“Secular Student Alliance.”  Replied Beth.

“I’m sorry.  There must be some kind of mistake on our end.”

The vice-administrator then entered his override code, and printed out two visitor passes.  He then used his communicator to ask the Interstellar Relations Office to provide the students with a Level 10 tour.

Said the guard, “I thought something was up when both women gasped.  Couldn’t override my superior though.”

According to their tour guide, who asked not to be identified, the students were taken on the most extensive tour allowed for civilian supporters.  The tour included stops at the space traffic control center, and short talks with alien ambassadors.

“I was really pleased with Becca.”  Said the tour guide.  “She seemed sad when we started the tour, but you should have seen how she lit up when I showed her our quantum hyper-computers.  She asked how long it would be before they would be made available to humans.  I told her that it would be within her lifetime.  She was really happy.  Then she was really impressed with non-carbon based lifeforms she met.  I just got the feeling that I was inspiring her to look ahead to the future.  That made me feel good.”

Beth, according to the tour guide, “Kept asking lots of questions, and making suggestions on everything from inventions to Earth-Martian Colonies relations.  Some of her ideas had already been tried, but she had a few good suggestions.  I was glad I was able to make a positive impression on the next generation of skeptics/atheists who will cover up the existence of extraterrestrials.”

After a short UFO flight around Chicago, with a detour to the far side of the moon, the students met Mayor Roger Claar.  Claar, after welcoming the students, asked, “So, what does the Secular Student Alliance want to discuss?”

The two students looked at each other, according to an eyewitness, who added that both students looked confused.

Finally, Beth said, “There’s an SSA staff member named Sarah Moglia, who is really awesome, but very sick.  Human science can’t cure her, but maybe our interstellar friends could, if we asked them nicely.”

As Beth and Becca described Moglia’s condition, Claar, picked up a coffee cup, and walked out of the room.  Five minutes later, he returned.

“Why are you really here?”  He sternly asked.  “This time tell the truth.”

Becca replied that they heard about the Cavalcade of Planes at Clow Airport.  They thought, since they were also avid Babbler readers, they would try to find the UFO Base.

“We didn’t really think this was real.”  Said Becca.  “We thought we’d get a lot of funny looks, and then we’d blog about the experience.  We didn’t expect to find a base, and we’re really sorry if we got you in trouble.”

Claar glared at the two students and then left the room.  Thirty minutes later, Jeff Wagg, Clow’s liaison to The New World Order entered the room.

“I just want to let both of you know that I’ve taken care of everything.  Let me escort both of you out of here.”

The students were both relieved, and promised to attend more Chicago Skeptics events.

As Wagg escorted the students into an exit chamber, he promised to “look into Sarah’s situation.”

Once in the chamber, the students’ memories were altered, so they would instead remember getting an extensive tour of the airport.  Both students were then given free airplane tickets to attend both SSA conferences this year.  They happily returned to Chicago.

When this reporter tried to contact Claar, his receptionist said he was on the phone, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Ron, I don’t care what you think of their views.  When a group of people give you money, and are willing to give you more money, you shut up and listen to them!”

When this reporter located both students at a coffee shop near the University of Chicago, they both denied visiting Bolingbrook.

Said Beth, “Ooh!  Becca, this man is from The Babbler!  I wonder if I can use my new DSM-5 book to diagnose him?”

Becca, not looking up from her laptop screen, replied, “You know Kate, Miri, and Chana don’t like it when you talk to believers like that.”

“Oh you know psychology is only my minor.”  Replied Beth.  “My real major is business.”

Becca nodded.  “At least you have a chance at a job when you graduate.  The journalism market is terrible.  I had no choice but to enroll at Northwestern’s graduate journalism program.  Maybe by the time I get my Master’s, they’ll figure out a way to pay bloggers a living wage.”

A young man then walked over to Becca’s table.

“Hello!”  He nervously said.  Becca did not look up.  “I just want to say that your blog has changed my life, and opened my eyes to many things.  You are the most awesome blogger in Chicago!  Thank you for showing me that I am not alone in world full of believing sheep!  I comment on every post you write! My handle is learningcisman!”

“Thank you.”  Becca blankly said, still not looking up from her screen.

The man pulled out a notebook, opened it, and set it down next to Becca.

“Can I have your autograph?”

Her eyes still locked on the screen, she picked up a pen next to her laptop, felt for the notebook, then signed it without looking at the page.

The man grinned as he picked up the notebook.

“Thank you!”  He replied.  “Oh, if you ever need another partner, you know how to e-mail me!”

“OK.”  Becca replied, still not looking up from her screen.

About a minute later, she stopped typing, and looked into the crowd.

“I see you @elevatormra!” She yelled.

A young man with an untrimmed beard jumped up from his table and put on a fedora hat.  

“You’re a (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) and a feminist who deserves to be (expletive deleted)!”

The man stormed out of the cafe.  Seconds later, he opened the front door and yelled, “By the way, I am not a hater!  I just think you’re destroying the secular movement and crushing men with your oppressive blog posts and tweets!  That doesn’t mean I hate you!”

He then left the cafe.

Becca shook her head and turned her attention back to the screen.

“I like having an audience, but I hate being an Internet celebrity.” Said Becca.

Also in The Babbler:

Mutant ticks threaten local pets
Bolingbrook man committed after seeing Patch redesign
Obama to remove citizen’s limbs?
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/5/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.