Sunday, May 19, 2013

Clow UFO Base security breaks up riot outside CSI consulate

By Reporter X

What started a peaceful protest outside the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry consulate office at Clow UFO base turned into a riot.  Clow officials confirm that 150 extraterrestrials, and 25 humans were injured.  There are no confirmed numbers of arrests, but it is believed to be in the hundreds.  

“This is a (expletive deleted) interstellar port, not a college town!”  Exclaimed Bolingbrook Mayor and Head Administrator Roger Claar.  “We cannot have a riot every time someone in skeptic movement says something offensive!”

The initially peaceful protest on Saturday was over remarks delivered by Center for Inquiry’s President and CEO Ronald Lindsay at Women in Secularism 2 conference. In the talk, he accused feminists of labeling female dissenters “fake feminists” and “sister punishers.”  He also accused feminists of using the theory of “privilege” to silence men.

“Shut up, because you’re a man and you cannot possibly know what it’s like to experience x, y, and z, and anything you say is bound to be mistaken in some way, but, of course, you’re too blinded by your privilege even to realize that.”  Said Lindsay, describing how he feels some feminists talk to men.

In response to the remarks, the Clow branch of Women in Interstellar Secularism and Clow Skeptics organized a protest the next day in front of the CSI consulate office.  CSI is affiliated with CFI and is the only skeptical group authorized to communicate with aliens, and coordinate the coverup alien visitations.  

“Ron remarks are the worst examples of mansplaining I have seen in this section of the galaxy!”  Exclaimed Lei Docu, co-facilitator of WIIS.  “Human secular women are being bulled, threatened, and intimidated into silence, and Ron thinks it is oppressive to ask a man to be quiet for a little bit to listen to a women?  Is it really mission drift to listen to a woman who isn’t insulting Rebecca Watson?  Is it really silencing if a man has to be quiet for a few seconds?  Is it oppressive if his views about women are challenged?”

Du Clout, a member of Clow Skeptics, accused Lindsay of violating the “Open Letter to the Skeptical Community.”

“The agreement clearly states that if you have a disagreement with another secular person, you try to work it out in person.  When Rebecca Watson called Ron’s speech odd, he could have asked to meet with her and talk it out.  Did he do that?  No!  He started a twitter and blog war with her! Even though she was no more than a few yards away!  How can we expect any CFI affiliated group to honor their treaty obligations, when they can’t even follow a simple letter they signed?”

The tense protest outside the closed office turned violent when an unnamed protestor tried to burn her CSI membership card.

“They don’t care about what I have to say!”  Yelled the protestor.  “I’m just a number to them!  They want me to put in a human woman suit so I can improve the male to female ratio at their conventions.  Never again!”

A Clow security guard fired a stun gun at the extraterrestrial female.  An unknown number of aliens with telekinetic powers attacked the guards.  Both sides then started attacking each other.

Scientist Claudia Zepher, not her real name, was one of the injured.  

“One minute I’m pushing a cart by the protest.  Then next thing I know I’m being knocked over by screaming visitors.  I managed to get up, but when I reached the cart, a flash grenade when off.  Let me tell you, it is scary to be blind in the middle of a riot.”

After several minutes, Clow officials restored order.  No death have been reported, but the consulate’s main window was broken.

Barry Karr, Director of CSI, released a statement denouncing the attack and urged calm.

“As I wrote in Skepchick, under my own free will, I denounce the hate directed at women in the secular community.  CSI will also continue to enforce the policy on hostile conduct at all of our events. We are committed to promoting critical thinking skills among humans and covering up all alien visitations.  CSI is committed to preparing humanity for its eventually introduction to the interstellar community by stamping out superstition and promoting scientific thinking.”

When reached for comment, Lindsay said he was too busy, “Fending off an invasion from an alternate universe” and hung up.  

When called, CFI Communications Director said he was in a hurry to catch his plane home.

“It’s no fun having one of your blog posts called out by your boss.  I hope I still have a job when I get home.”

Also in The Babbler:

Zombies attack Michigan Ave
Valley View Teacher’s contract excludes alien teachers
Claar denies plans to run for governor
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/21/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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