Sunday, May 26, 2013

Secret commission vows to create “Toyota-style Government” in Bolingbrook

Is the Village of Bolingbrook using Toyota’s “lean” techniques to become more efficient?  Sources with connections with relatives within Village Hall claim there is a secret commission tasked with creating a “leaner” government.
According to John, an alleged member of the commission, “We were really honored when (Mayor Roger Claar) said last Tuesday that Village Hall is so efficient, the trustees don’t need to vote no on any resolution.”

John also says that the “Toyota Commission” recommended merging Bolingbrook’s police and fire departments.  A recommendation that Claar accepted.

“We started by asking why we needed a separate fire and police department.  Every time we got an answer, we kept asking why.  Finally, both department officials broke down, and finally said, ‘We give up!  Go ahead and merge us!’  Never underestimate the power of why!”

Jessica, another alleged member of the “Toyota Commission”, says despite the commission’s successes, they has been some resistance to their plans.

“One time, a member told Roger that the Trustee position is an example of Muda in the government.  He asked what it meant.  When we told him Muda meant waste, he described that member using an unpleasant word for human waste.”

Jessica says the committee still feels the Trustee position offers no value to governing Bolingbrook.

“It’s expensive to hold an election, that, at best, will appoint people who will just agree with Roger.  Now that’s the best case.  It can be worse.  A resident opposed to Roger might be under the mistaken impression that it is OK to run for Trustee.  Then Roger’s supporters have to take time out of their busy schedule to challenge the nominating petitions.  If there is a problem with the petitions, Roger has to take time out of his busy schedule to hear the challenges.  If the candidate survives the challenge, then Roger has to take time out of his schedule to write a letter to his supporters urging them not to vote for the rouge candidate.  Come on!  That just screams Muda.”

Jessica added that she hopes the village doesn’t return to the “dark ages” when opposing trustees were elected to the village board.

“Can you imagine how much time was wasted with all the debates between Mayor Bob Bailey and trustee Edward Rosenthal?  Then when Ed was elected mayor, there was so much Muda generated between Roger and him.  Where would Bolingbrook be now if the village had just appointed Roger mayor in the 1970s?”

The commission says that removing the Trustee position is a long term goal that will require the state of Illinois to change its laws governing municipalities.  

Still, according to John, the Toyota Commission and Claar do agree on the “Future State” of Bolingbrook.

“We want a future state where the Mayor is able to pull what he wants from the village government and the government replies without overburdening any of its employees.  It will take lots of kaizen events to pull it off, but we believe it is possible!”

The next event, according to Joan, involves media coverage of government activities.

“For example, sometimes there are no reporters at Village Board meetings.  Some times there are way too many.  We’re working on a plan to establish a media pool.  The village will designate one or more reporters to cover all meetings, and they will be granted exclusive interviews with village officials.  Other media outlets can then use the pool reporters’ stories.  Kind of like how Bolingbrook Patch gets some of their stories from other newspapers.”

When asked to comment, Claar denied the existence of the Toyota Commission.

“Why don’t you write about all the brave men and women in the military who sacrificed their lives so Bolingbrook’s residents could elect me to an eighth term as mayor?”

Also in The Babbler:

Godless activists donate money to Moore, OK tornado victims
Time travelers spotted at wedding of Chicago Skeptics' president
Richard Dawkins “comments” on Northwestern student’s blog
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/29/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Clow UFO Base security breaks up riot outside CSI consulate

By Reporter X

What started a peaceful protest outside the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry consulate office at Clow UFO base turned into a riot.  Clow officials confirm that 150 extraterrestrials, and 25 humans were injured.  There are no confirmed numbers of arrests, but it is believed to be in the hundreds.  

“This is a (expletive deleted) interstellar port, not a college town!”  Exclaimed Bolingbrook Mayor and Head Administrator Roger Claar.  “We cannot have a riot every time someone in skeptic movement says something offensive!”

The initially peaceful protest on Saturday was over remarks delivered by Center for Inquiry’s President and CEO Ronald Lindsay at Women in Secularism 2 conference. In the talk, he accused feminists of labeling female dissenters “fake feminists” and “sister punishers.”  He also accused feminists of using the theory of “privilege” to silence men.

“Shut up, because you’re a man and you cannot possibly know what it’s like to experience x, y, and z, and anything you say is bound to be mistaken in some way, but, of course, you’re too blinded by your privilege even to realize that.”  Said Lindsay, describing how he feels some feminists talk to men.

In response to the remarks, the Clow branch of Women in Interstellar Secularism and Clow Skeptics organized a protest the next day in front of the CSI consulate office.  CSI is affiliated with CFI and is the only skeptical group authorized to communicate with aliens, and coordinate the coverup alien visitations.  

“Ron remarks are the worst examples of mansplaining I have seen in this section of the galaxy!”  Exclaimed Lei Docu, co-facilitator of WIIS.  “Human secular women are being bulled, threatened, and intimidated into silence, and Ron thinks it is oppressive to ask a man to be quiet for a little bit to listen to a women?  Is it really mission drift to listen to a woman who isn’t insulting Rebecca Watson?  Is it really silencing if a man has to be quiet for a few seconds?  Is it oppressive if his views about women are challenged?”

Du Clout, a member of Clow Skeptics, accused Lindsay of violating the “Open Letter to the Skeptical Community.”

“The agreement clearly states that if you have a disagreement with another secular person, you try to work it out in person.  When Rebecca Watson called Ron’s speech odd, he could have asked to meet with her and talk it out.  Did he do that?  No!  He started a twitter and blog war with her! Even though she was no more than a few yards away!  How can we expect any CFI affiliated group to honor their treaty obligations, when they can’t even follow a simple letter they signed?”

The tense protest outside the closed office turned violent when an unnamed protestor tried to burn her CSI membership card.

“They don’t care about what I have to say!”  Yelled the protestor.  “I’m just a number to them!  They want me to put in a human woman suit so I can improve the male to female ratio at their conventions.  Never again!”

A Clow security guard fired a stun gun at the extraterrestrial female.  An unknown number of aliens with telekinetic powers attacked the guards.  Both sides then started attacking each other.

Scientist Claudia Zepher, not her real name, was one of the injured.  

“One minute I’m pushing a cart by the protest.  Then next thing I know I’m being knocked over by screaming visitors.  I managed to get up, but when I reached the cart, a flash grenade when off.  Let me tell you, it is scary to be blind in the middle of a riot.”

After several minutes, Clow officials restored order.  No death have been reported, but the consulate’s main window was broken.

Barry Karr, Director of CSI, released a statement denouncing the attack and urged calm.

“As I wrote in Skepchick, under my own free will, I denounce the hate directed at women in the secular community.  CSI will also continue to enforce the policy on hostile conduct at all of our events. We are committed to promoting critical thinking skills among humans and covering up all alien visitations.  CSI is committed to preparing humanity for its eventually introduction to the interstellar community by stamping out superstition and promoting scientific thinking.”

When reached for comment, Lindsay said he was too busy, “Fending off an invasion from an alternate universe” and hung up.  

When called, CFI Communications Director said he was in a hurry to catch his plane home.

“It’s no fun having one of your blog posts called out by your boss.  I hope I still have a job when I get home.”

Also in The Babbler:

Zombies attack Michigan Ave
Valley View Teacher’s contract excludes alien teachers
Claar denies plans to run for governor
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/21/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Clow UFO Base scientists return alternate DJ Grothe to his home universe

Is this a D.J. Grothe from another universe.
(Image similar to one taken by Ingrid Laas.)

By Reporter X

Sources at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base confirm an individual from a parallel universe was recovered, and returned to his universe.  The sources also confirm that the man was that universe’s version of the James Randi Educational Foundation president D.J. Grothe.

“We don’t get too many visitors from our neighboring universes.”  Said one anonymous source.    “Most of them can’t support life, and the ones that can, don’t have civilizations that are aware of other universes.  In our universe, The Martian Colonies have the technology to visit other universes, but they rarely use it because it consumes too much power.”

Fortunately, The Colonists were will to assist Clow’s scientists in returning Grothe to his own universe.  Though the actual explanation requires knowing advanced hyper dimensional physics, in simple terms, there was field of energy keeping the alternate Grothe in our universe.  Scientists were able to nullify the field, and the laws of the multiverse returned Grothe to his home universe.

During the debriefing interview, a clean shaven Grothe explained how he arrived in our universe.  According to Grothe, a man who claimed to have the power to send others to a different universe applied for the Million Dollar Challenge.  For his test, he had to move Grothe into another universe, and then return him.

“There was bright flash.”  Said Grothe according to the interview transcript.  “When I could see again, I saw that I was on the outskirts of a small midwestern suburb.  I figured he had the power of teleportation, not necessarily the power to travel between universes.”

Grothe then tried to call the JREF’s office but, to his shock, the number was disconnected.  He then tried to call his partner, and, again, the number was disconnected.  Confused, Grothe then tried to call Jeff Wagg.  “When answered, and started yelling at me, I thought something was really wrong.  When he said that he left the JREF a long time ago, that’s when I started to think that maybe I was in another universe.  Of course, I could be having a dream influenced by the claimant.”

When Grothe found out he was in Oswego, IL, he tried to call Clow UFO Base, and identified himself as the president of JREF, the skeptic movement’s ambassador organization to the Interstellar Community.  To his horror, the receptionist told the JREF was no longer a recognized organization, and to wait for “recovery.”

“At this point, I was starting to think that maybe there was extraordinary evidence that I was in the wrong universe.”

The Men in Blue picked up Grothe and brought him to Clow UFO Base.

At the debriefing, Grothe said that his universe was similar to ours, but with some notable differences.  The JREF still works with extraterrestrials to promote skepticism to humanity.  The JREF is still located in Fort Lauderdale, and DJ lives there with his partner.  Wagg is the vice president of the JREF.  Most striking, noted Grothe, while our universe's skeptical movement has a deep rift over issues of sexism, the rift was mostly healed in his universe.

“In my world, the rift started to heal at the end of the TAM 9 diversity panel.”  Said Grothe.  “That’s when I said that the JREF needed to focus on traditional skepticism, but  I would help the panelists start their own organization to bring critical thinking skills into the ‘social justice’ movement.  If things worked out, then maybe I could give them space at future TAMs.”

Grothe said that after speaking with Rebecca Watson, he slightly modified the TAM anti-harassment policy so there would be an announcement at the start of TAM to let attendees know to contact a TAM Ambassador if they have any problems.

Rebecca loves TAM, and she wants to make it better.  We agreed that most attendees were good people, but as we were growing, there was a greater risk of bad apples getting in. We disagree on speakers flirting with attendees, but I have asked them to think twice before hitting on any attendees.”

Grothe did offer advice to the new group, but no money.  “I told them to change the name from Atheism+ to Social Justice+.  The old name might confuse some people into thinking they were trying to redefine atheism.”

For his TAM 2013, he expected very few problems.  “I’m looking forward to Penn and Teller’s Bacon and Doughnut Party, as well as the Marian Call concert sponsored by Skepchick and Freethought Blogs.”

Grothe had no advice for our Grothe.  “Right now, I’m going back to a world where skeptics have proved the existence of the paranormal.  It is going cause an upheaval in our community, but the JREF should be OK.  We’ll make a fortune telling the world how we made the discovery.”

As for the psychic, Grothe said he wasn’t planning to award him the million dollar prize.

“The terms specifically stated he had to teleport me to the other universe, and then bring me back.  He only brought me to the new universe.  So technically he failed the test, but did prove he has some powers.”

This universe’s Grothe could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Martian Death Flu cases appear in Chicago
Chicago fears summer zombie outbreak
Astroid residents protest Earth’s mining plans
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/16/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Officials: Anti-vaccination alien terrorists may infiltrate AutismOne conference

By Reporter X

Chicago area covert officials are concerned that anti-vaccination alien terrorists may attempt to infiltrate the AutismOne conference May 22-26. 

The sources say the anti-vaccination terrorist group, KukPu'K has at least three cell operating in the Chicago area.  The cells, according to the sources, promote anti-vaccination propaganda, and encourage parents to either not vaccinate their children, or embrace an ineffective vaccine schedule.  Once humanity has lost herd immunity from common illnesses, they unleash a pandemic that will wipe out humans.  Their goal, according to the group’s publicists, is to eradicate stupidity from the universe.  Any civilization that abandons their vaccination programs, they argue, deserves extinction.  

KukPu'K claims responsibility for the destruction of 45 civilizations.

“While we have no evidence of direct contact between AutismOne organizers and KukPu'K,” Said Operative 8 of the New World Order, “we do know that KukPu'K has funneled money to the conference.”

The officials feel that KukPu'K will send in operatives to the conference to “radicalize” attendees.

“Even when you show some of the attendees that Andrew Wakefield ran a fraudulent study back his claim that vaccines cause autism, they’ll still believe him.”  Said Operative 6 of the New World Order.  

Operative 6 added, “The AutismOne web site also tries to tie in Noam Chomsky with their cause.  Now Noam is no friend of the NWO, but even he realizes the importance of vaccines.  Heck, he slams us for not doing enough to get more people vaccinated.  These are the type of people KukPu'K likes to target.”

NWO’s Men in Black, together will Clow UFO bases’s Men in Blue, will be on site to ensure that no unauthorized aliens are at AutismOne.  They stressed that legitimate anti-vaccination supporters will not be targeted.  However, anyone found to be working directly with KukPu'K will be framed for crimes against humanity.

When asked to comment, a woman, who claims to have friends with ties to AutismOne, accused the NWO of trying to frame her organization.  She said AutismOne is only looking for answers that “they” have suppressed.

“Having a child suffer from Autism is the worst experience for a parent.  It is so bad that we will do anything to cure them.  Including giving them bleach enemas, and homeopathy!  I don’t believe in vaccines, but if I did I still wouldn’t give them to my children because I can’t say with 100% certainty that they don’t cause autism.  You can’t even trust the Wall Street Journal on this issue!  I don’t care what they want me to do!  I’ll take my chances because a child is better dead than autistic!  

Also in The Babbler:

Godless students raise money for Secular Student Alliance
Bigfoot shoots back at Oswego hunter
PZ Myers loses access to Clow UFO base after quitting the skeptical movement
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/9/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.