Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Manchester Mumbler: Ghost of Margaret Thatcher attacks Richard Dawkins

Note: Due to our webmaster being away on his honeymoon, our UK sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler, has provided us with this story to post online.

According to anonymous sources, the ghost of Margaret Thatcher attacked famed atheist Richard Dawkins.

“Richard has some bruises and scratches.”  Said a friend of a close friend of Dawkins.  “Nothing is broken, and he’ll be OK.  She did quite smashing job on him, but he still maintains his doubts about the existence of ghosts and God.”

A former servant at the Dawkins estate described the attack.  

“I was cleaning the downstairs dining room, when I heard pounding on the ceiling.  I thought Mr. Dawkins doing late night work.  Then I heard a female moaning.  Then he moaned.  Or screamed.  It was a terrible sound.  Anyway, it turned into pounding and screaming.  I knew right then that he had finally gone too far and offended the spirits of the netherworld.  So I ran away before God, the Devil, or whatever could destroy the estate.”

Another servant provided a more detailed account of the attack.  According to the unnamed servant, who happened to be outside the Dawkins’s bedroom door, the ghost of Thatcher appeared at the foot of his bed.  She told him that ghosts and god were real and commanded him to be her voice to the world of the living.

Dawkins would have none it.

“The laws of physics say ghosts are impossible.”  Said the groggy professor.  “I am obviously suffering from a case of sleep paralysis complicated by watching too many news reports about your death.”

“You see me with your own eyes!”  Howled Thatcher.  “You haven’t had any training in the paranormal.  How can you doubt my existence?”

Dawkins groaned.  “Oh come on.  Just like I don’t need a degree in Leprechaun studies to know they’re a myth, or a doctorate in theology to know that God is a delusion, I know you’re a product of my imagination.”

“I now have great power now, and I command you to spread my message to my living subjects.”

Dawkins coughed.  “Get over yourself.  Sure you broke the trade unions, and lead a successful war against a Catholic country.  Which, incidentally, will be an inspiration for our eventual war against Islam.  I admire you for the last part, but you’re dead now.  You don’t exist anymore.  Even if you really are a ghost, you don’t belong here.  Go hang out with Winston Churchill and your friend Ronald Reagan in the ruins of British Industry. The dead should rest, while the living still have important business to attend to.”

Thatcher howled.  “Serve me!”

“I’m sorry, I have more important work to do.  What should I say to the Muslim females of the world?  ‘Dear Muslimah.  Quit whining about genial mutilation.  Can’t you see that I have to attend to the Iron Hag?’”

The servant claimed that he heard loud noises from the room, and ran away.

Another servant, who asked not to be named, said she ran into the bedroom after the noises stopped.  According to her, she saw Dawkins on top of a broken bed.  His wife had just run into the bathroom.

“If the tabloids ask,” Said Dawkins. “Tell them I was attacked by the ghost of the Iron Lady.  That should distract them.”

When reached for comment, Dawkins denied the accounts, and accused The Mumber of trying to sensationalize his purchase of a new bed.

“I am not a man to trifle with.”  Said Dawkins.  “Just ask Rebecca Watson what happened when she tried to destroy me.  My army of Internet followers are still hounding her!  The truth is, after writing several best sellers, staring in films, giving public lectures, and single-handedly causing an upsurge in atheism, I have earned the privilege of being able to say anything I want, without consequence!  In fact, I could say that Americans should stop shooting each other, and start shooting Islamists.  Nothing would happen to me.  Not that would say such a dreadful thing, but I could!”

Also in The Manchester Mumbler:

Rescue crews help Underworld end a song
Alien bodyguards to protect sceptic Hayley Stevens
LibDems to change name to “King Maker Party”
God to smite Manchester on 15/4/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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