Saturday, April 13, 2013

Bolingbrook bar almost cancels Full Contact Gospel Ministry fundraiser

Bolingbrook bar Hitch’s almost ended a fundraiser for Full Contact Gospel Church one hour after it started.  The owner, Al X. Krane, announced that patrons were welcome to stay in the bar, but he would keep all their money.
“I didn’t know you guys embraced violence.”  Said Krane.  “I thought you guys were Christians who liked to touch people a lot.”

Minister Lenny Z. Hopson protested.  “We told you what we were all about.  We gave you our literature.”  Hobson then held up one of their flyers.  “What part of ‘We’ll kick your ass for Jesus’ didn’t you understand?”

Hopson explained that for the past 20 years, he has combined mixed martial arts and Bible Study to preach the word of God to Bolingbrook’s residents.  

“We only fight to test our strength and show the power of faith to the unfaithed.  Once we impress them with our skills, we tell them the good news!”

Hopson added that the fundraiser was to create a kids MMA camp where children could improve their physical and spiritual health.

Krane pointed to all the pictures of Christopher Hitchens on the wall.

“This bar is a tribute to Christopher Hitchens, may his memory live on.  I am a member of the Church of Christopher Hitchens, he who was waterboarded to prove it was torture.  He who taught that religion poisons everything.  I just realized that you are trying to poison our children, and the MMA community.  I can’t tell you how many great fights have been ruined because someone had to praise God, instead of their trainers!”

A supporter yelled, “Hitchens is still dead.  Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice by dying and coming back from the dead!”

“If he came back, then it wasn’t a sacrifice at all.  More like a bad weekend.”  Countered Krane.

“You may mock the Bible, but can you mock this?”  The supporter then tore a phone book in half.

“How can you explain this without invoking the power of Jesus?”

“It’s a trick.”  Replied Krane.

Hopson then asked to challenge Krane’s best bouncer in an honor duel.  As the bouncer stepped in the room, Hopson said, “‘Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.’ Matthew 10:34!”

Before there was any violence, Mayor Roger Claar stepped into the room, and pulled Krane aside.  After a short, heated conversation, Krane walked back to Hopson.

“Roger has a good point.  We shouldn't discriminate because of a customer's beliefs or lack of beliefs.  Besides, you’re not Muslims.  You can have the money, but this is the last time I’m helping you with a fundraiser.”

Claar added, “Don’t make me regret this.  Both of you!”

After the fundraiser, Hopson said he has forgiven Krane, but vowed to fight on.

“This is an example of the religious discrimation that Christians face everyday.  This would never happen to an atheist group like Camp Quest!”

When called, Claar answered his phone and said, “You know, The Babbler has annoyed me for years, but I take comfort in this one fact.  At the end of the day, I have a $500,000 campaign fund, and you don’t!”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to alien cruise company: You will pay for the damage you caused
George Hrab to perform first concert at Clow UFO Base
Thunderf00t spotted in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: